"I'm using it as a food source. When I put shredded pages in with my casseroles, it helps me stretch my food dollar farther."
"I'm using it as a science textbook to disprove the theory of evolution. Oooo, hang on, I just had an idea for a play about a moody Dane who lives in a castle called Elsinore...get me a typewriter quick! Or better yet a laptop that's connected to the internet."
"I'm using it to justify my hatred of government that helps poor people. And for my all consuming hatred of blacks, gays, Jews, Muslims, people from Ottawa, Iowa, France, and for people who like crab Rangoon. Yeah, you betcha, don't cha know."
"I'm using it to scare the hell out of these kids who I will then take to my van one at a time in order to 'comfort' them. It's a trick I learned in that pedophile book I got off Amazon dot com the other day."
"I'm using it for self defense baby. All these crazy crackers runnin' around with guns will cap a motherfuckin' social justice Jesus if they can. I'm only coming back so many times before I say to hell with it you know. Y'all want to keep on killin' me, I'll eventually say "Fuck it," and I'll pick up and move to a nice little planet near the Horsehead Nebula where they appreciate a motherfuckin' savior.