Friday, October 29, 2010

An open letter to a douchebag

Dear 'Liberal' Douchebag Twat from Wisconsin,

You and I are Facebook friends no more due to the fact that you can't let go of your stereotypes about people here in the south.

You seem to think that the south is the only place in the USA where there are conservatives and radical right wing religious whack jobs. I'm here to inform you that you're an idiot for thinking that. Are there lots and lots of conservatives in the south? You bet. Are there lots and lots in your home state of Wisconsin? You bet. Do we have radical right wing religious whack jobs here in the south? Oh hells yes. Does your state have it's share of radical right wing religious whack jobs? Yes ma'am and you'd see them if you stopped looking down your nose at us. Yo, Madam Douchie, stop bitching about the splinter in our eye and do something about that log in yours.

It's not like Wisconsin cornered the market on liberals after all. Martin Luther King Jr, southern liberal. Al Gore Sr., liberal. Morris Dees, liberal. Jimmy Carter, liberal. Me and most all of my circle of friends here in northeast TN, proud liberals.

Now, I'd like to remind you of some of Wisconsin's most notorious conservatives. Joseph McCarthy, conservative. Tommy Thompson, conservative. Ron Johnson, conservative. Wow, how about that, the biggest conservative bogey man ever, Joe McCarthy, was spawned from your state. The people of your state elected him and he made life hell for left wing people for years and years. Holy shit, Wisconsin is the breeding ground for sleazy conservatives, conservatives whose witch hunts took the lives and careers of thousands of innocent people. Why I bet your grandparents voted for him. So that makes you and your family fucking despicable horrible people. How does it feel to have the blood of all those people McCarthy hounded on your hands Kate? Feels pretty slimey I bet.

And you know what? As long as you're hating on the south, please by all means, feel free to never ever come here. We don't need your sanctimonious type here. Don't ever come here and please stop using all the great things we have today that are or were brought to you by southerners. Don't use air conditioning, which was perfected by a southerner. Don't eat any of the produce that we grow here and ship up to that frozen hell hole of a state you live in. Don't drink any orange juice because they grow those oranges in Florida, a southern state.

But if you do happen to come down here to the south, we'll be nice to you because that's how we roll. We'll do our best to make you feel welcome because of a little thing called 'southern hospitality.' You ever hear of it? Hey, how come I never heard of such a thing as 'northern hospitality'? Oh wait, I know, it's because there no such thing. Yeah, we'll be nice to you. We'll be nice and offer you something to eat, something drink, a place to stay if you need one. And we'll even be nice when you drone on telling us how you do things up north. We'll smile, nod our heads, and be polite as you rudely tell us that we doing something wrong because we're not doing it the way you think we should be doing it. And we'll never tell you that you talk funny, even though you and most everyone up north will tell us that we talk funny when we have the misfortune of visiting your hellishly cold state. Please, don't misunderstand me, when I call your state hellishly cold, I mean it both figuratively and literally.

Finally, if I seem rude, mean, and condescending to you in this open letter, it's because I learned how to be those things in my early years growing up in the north. And don't get me wrong, I'm not tarring all people from Wisconsin with my brush, I'm just painting you with it because you're a closed minded asswipe who needs to be taken down notch. Many notches.

Now goodbye and good riddance.

15 comments:

Megan said...

Whoa. Dude. Chill. Thus spoke California...

Kal said...

As one of those bastards that live in the cold I hope you never get mad at me. Southern Homie don't play dat!

Kim Hambric said...

I'm hoping you feel a bit better after that.

I grew up on the edge of the South (Virginia) and now live on the edge of the North (Pennsylvania, home of the right wing nut Rick Santorum). I feel surrounded by conservatives here in PA. When I visit Virginia, most of the people I know are liberal.

And, yeah, I do appreciate that southern hospitality. And the fact that when I visit, I'm never far off from a damn good pie.

Vic said...

I. LOVE. THIS. POST.
That is all.

southernfemalelawyer said...

Ouch. Do I know this person?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

No SLF, I'm pretty sure you don't.

Mnmom said...

Did she really imply that we have no right-wing nut jobs up here? Ahem: Michelle Bachmann much?

My siblings lived in SC and AL for many years, and I always enjoyed my visits there. I loves me some boiled peanuts!!

But now Monkey - there IS such a thing as Northern Hospitality and you'll experience some when you come to visit someday. My door is always open. But bring your sweater and your long johns!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

So sorry to have used my own personal blog to vent about something that pissed me off Megan. I'll make sure in the future to check with you about the content of my posts.

kirby said...

Well done.

Snad said...

Have at it, Monkey!

Don't forget Jim Sensenbrenner, who would make it illegal to provide ANY aid to ANYONE who MIGHT be an illegal alien.

Does this ex-friend of yours live under house arrest in a 4-block area of Madison near the UW campus? Because that and utter moronic stupidity would be the only two reasons I can think of for her to think there are no conservatives in Wisconsin.

Dr. MVM said...

Not sure where she lives Snad. I'm just glad it's hundreds of miles from me.

Estancia De La Ding Dong said...

Great letter ! I lived in Georgia for 5-years and still have many liberal-minded friends there.

Don't let the knuckleheads out there get you all worked up.

Tom Metzger said...

I love to see so called liberals and so called conservatives wage war on each other. The real answer should be whose on top and who's on the bottom. Ala Class war carried on by the Capitalist elite.Why not rally around a flag that everyone can salute unless you are a plutocrat.Tom Metzger

okjimm said...

//not tarring all people from Wisconsin with my brush,//

Whoa, that's good! frankly I like living in Wisconsington..... and I don't know what pissed you off....but we just elected a goddam TeaBagger senator...so I have to admit that there are worms in the north woods ...who love to crawl out every few years or so. I call 'em "Jack Pine Savages"..... there isn't enough sun here for them to be Red-Necks.

hang in there

Eric said...

They forgot the '-chas' on the end of their 'you bet'.

Not all right wingers are southern, but every southerner is a wait no, that doesn't always work...