Friday, June 11, 2010

Babies, what's up with them anyway? (A very special Monkey Muck Special Report)

Babies, they're everywhere and you see them all the time. They're in strollers, cribs, cars and trucks, and inside women's bellies.
Just what are they up to?

Turns out they're up to plenty, the little bastards.

They have managed to insinuate themselves in all corners of the globe and into every ethnic group. As you can see from the state of the art illustration from the 1970's babies have been spotted in hardworking yet humble white families and they've turned up in the families of soon to be undocumented American workers as well.
And yes, even families in the tropics and southeast Asia have been known to sport the occasional baby. However it's been proven in study after study that Latvia, Estonia, and Patagonia must import babies due to strict religious and culinary customs.

Babies in the womb of women in most western countries delight in forcing their host mothers into mocking their husbands. The woman in the illustration below is reminding her husband that she'll never ever fit into that tiny night gown again. She didn't want to do it, but the baby inside her made her do it. Some babies also force their host mothers to watch bad television, learn medieval Italian, and to listen to Aldo Nova.
When given half a chance babies will suck the life out of their parents. They begin with the mother.
They wait until their teenage years to work on their fathers. They have also been known to try to wheedle things like gas money, food, and shiny trinkets out of other family members.

Here's two little known baby facts:
Babies born north of the Arctic circle come into the world covered in a downy hairy pelt that is almost as hairy as Robin Williams back.

Babies who were conceived on a beach grow up to be gritty adults.

In conclusion, it looks like babies are here to stay and they won't be happy until we all attend to their every need. The dirty bastards.


Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

They also sit really quietly in their mother's wombs and don't make their presence known so that we can have shows about women who go for a poop and end up having a baby. There was one on Dr Phil today who claimed she didn't know she was pregnant until the baby came. She did seem quite stupid but come on! I eat too many hot pepper rings and my system knows something isn't right.

sunshine said...

I love babies!!
Too bad they have to grow up. :P


Mnmom said...

And sometimes they come in twos!

PENolan said...

Speaking as an Early Childhood Educator who has worked with children under three years for over twenty years, I solidly concur with your observations and analysis. As a group, they are hopelessly wicked. Charming, but wicked. Grown-Ups have to stand fast against their drive to satisfy their every whim or else we wind up with more, more and more people like Liz Cheney, Sarah Palin and her entire brood (Sarah is a BAD, BAD mother)and Bernie Madoff. And Preston Bush - the great-great grand Bush who turned grave robber and stole Geronimo's bones for fetish worship up at Yale.

PENolan said...

On breastfeeding:
Did you see this story over at Swerve Left

It's all about clerics and breastfeeding in Saudi. Grown men - hairy as Robin Williams' back, indeed - are wanting to breastfeed. Some random Saudi bus driver was saying that he had suckled a certain woman and could therefore be in her presence unchaperoned by her guardian male. She didn't have to have her face covered.

Wings said...

Hah - Print this out in pamphlet form and leave in the pregnancy/parenting section of the local book store! :)

DrGoat said...

And don't forget, you need to have as many babies as possible 'cause there's plenty of room, jobs, and resources forever!

XUP said...

Mnmom - and sometimes they come in eights

kirby said...

Heyo! Aldo Nova? I seem to remember a wee little man of the same name running around in white leather boots while trying to play the guitar. Same guy or am I just having a weird flashback?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

That's him Kirby. He's a rock legend in Montreal.

ColeAndJosephine said...

Ha! I just blew my toddlers mind by telling her she used to live in my belly. Hopefully she doesn't try to set up shop again, like the lovely little parasite she is.