Don't I look like a guy who knows his way around the business end of some horse lovin'? Sure I do. And I'd like to put my years of experience to work for you. If you follow my tips for loving your animal, then you'll be happy as a clam while you're shitting in high cotton, if you know what I mean. Feel free to print this post off and take it to the barn with you on your next date night!1) Don't be afraid of foreplay. Horses are just like humans, they want to be touched and have their pretty hair brushed. They also like you to talk to them softly and they dig the swinging sounds of Chuck Mangione as well. So do all of that stuff when you want your horse to come across with the lurve.
2) Horses like foot play too. So go nuts with the hoof worship. 
3) Don't be afraid to try new things with your horse. Today's equine loves variety. But they don't like you to quote long passages from Equus to them while you're making sweet sweet love, they find the themes and motifs of that play dated and trite.
Now that you've mastered horse love, why limit yourself? If your horse partner is amenable, then branch your love out of more of God's creatures. And while you're at it, get your friends to join you!Sheep like threesomes, so get your drinkin' buddies to join you and your favorite lil' ram for a circle jerk.
Chickens are often ignored in the animal love arena but they need some hot lovin' too! I suggest you take them out for a walk to tire them out before you try to make the beast with two backs with them. Trust me, you want your chicken really tired before you start getting it on with them. A beak in the wrong place or a claw at the wrong time can ruin the mood, if you see what I'm saying.
And finally, pigs are seriously into S & M. They dig the punishment and degradation.
Don't be afraid of what the liberal media says, God put animals here for our use and Jesus gets mad if we don't enjoy them. So, do what I do and get busy with your farm buddies!(This post was paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect John Bush McCain.)
6 comments:
I don't know where you find your pictures, but the circle jerk of the sheep is disturbing (and hysterical). And everyone knows you can't walk a chicken if you tie up one of its legs!!
Barbara
I feel a little over educated now... And maybe a little dirty.
And speaking of McCain, he's having a rally up in Phoenix today. His special guest is Sarah Palin. Need I say more. I live in Tucson, the only rational city in the state. Good ole Arizona. The legislature just passed a bill to allow firearms in any establishment, including bars. We're cutting the funding for lower income families with kids (for health insurance), cutting the funding for seniors, but considering a bill to allow Payday loan leeches to keep on fleecing the poor, even though the Voters of this state just voted to kick them out. You all come back now, hear. Aloha
I hear you with the Equus, most of my horse partners respond better to EE Cummings.
Eeeww, TMI on this asshat.
I watched this guy on Rachel Maddow's show. She was awesome as usual.
This guy left me feeling like I needed to take a shower...a real egomaniacal creep.
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