Ever wonder what happened to Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio?

When the acting roles dried up she took to shagging bears and she hasn't looked back. Boo ya!

J. D. Hayworth's Guide to Bestiality

Hi everybody. I'm J. D. Hayworth, US Senate candidate, radio talk show host, and former guest on Imus in the Morning back before it didn't suck. As many of you know, I made some comments about gay marriage leading to hot man on horse action and the liberal media has mocked me over these comments but honestly, look at me America.
Don't I look like a guy who knows his way around the business end of some horse lovin'? Sure I do. And I'd like to put my years of experience to work for you. If you follow my tips for loving your animal, then you'll be happy as a clam while you're shitting in high cotton, if you know what I mean. Feel free to print this post off and take it to the barn with you on your next date night!

1) Don't be afraid of foreplay. Horses are just like humans, they want to be touched and have their pretty hair brushed. They also like you to talk to them softly and they dig the swinging sounds of Chuck Mangione as well. So do all of that stuff when you want your horse to come across with the lurve.

2) Horses like foot play too. So go nuts with the hoof worship. 3) Don't be afraid to try new things with your horse. Today's equine loves variety. But they don't like you to quote long passages from Equus to them while you're making sweet sweet love, they find the themes and motifs of that play dated and trite.
Now that you've mastered horse love, why limit yourself? If your horse partner is amenable, then branch your love out of more of God's creatures. And while you're at it, get your friends to join you!

Sheep like threesomes, so get your drinkin' buddies to join you and your favorite lil' ram for a circle jerk.
Chickens are often ignored in the animal love arena but they need some hot lovin' too! I suggest you take them out for a walk to tire them out before you try to make the beast with two backs with them. Trust me, you want your chicken really tired before you start getting it on with them. A beak in the wrong place or a claw at the wrong time can ruin the mood, if you see what I'm saying.
And finally, pigs are seriously into S & M. They dig the punishment and degradation.
Don't be afraid of what the liberal media says, God put animals here for our use and Jesus gets mad if we don't enjoy them. So, do what I do and get busy with your farm buddies!

(This post was paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect John Bush McCain.)

Help! I'm trapped in a National Geographic special over here!

We've got four sliding glass doors here at Monkey Central. One on the ground floor in the front and one in the back. We've also got one in the front on the second floor and one in the back. There is a railing in front of the upstairs sliding glass doors.

Some times when it rains really hard, as it did for a bit this morning, squirrels will climb up and perch on the railing in front of the sliding glass door in the room where I do my blogging. I heard the rain this morning and then I heard a thump. I looked over and I saw this through the window:
I did not believe my eyes. It was not one squirrel, it was two.

And they were "gettin' busy."

They were so engrossed in "makin' bacon" that they did not stop when I crept up and took the above picture. After they finished the rain stopped as well and as they scampered off they lit little cigarettes and puffed them happily.