Tennesseans speak out about the departure of football coach Lane Kiffan from the University of Tennessee

The University of Tennessee lost it's head football coach, Lane Kiffan, the other night when he decided to return to USC as their head coach. This action sent shock-waves across the state and students nearly rioted when they heard the news, mattresses were set a blaze and young college punks got mean and pissy after they got liquored up on campus in Knoxville.

Sensing this was an important occasion I got off my monkey ass and I went out and spoke with some about the events surrounding Kiffan and the college.

Bubba Bledsoe said:
"They's setting shit on fire? Fire? Fire! Fire! FIRE!!!" And then he punched me in the face, tore off his shirt, bit his forearm, and howled at the moon as he ran off into the inky cold night.

Pedro Goldberg said:
"I'm going to weld an effigy of Phil Fulmer having anal sex with Marlon Brando and I'm going to leave it in the middle of Interstate 40." He wept like a baby when I told him Fulmer had been fired years ago.

Nancy Pokenkowski said:
"I've turned my back on football and talking to highly intelligent monkeys." When I pressed her further for a more appropriate comment she called animal control on me.


Frank Murphy offered me $20 if I would squeeze his beard and whisper Latin legal terms to him. I turned him down.

This Moon Pie said:
"Don't stop baby. Eat me. Eat me up baby."

Paul Stanton said:
"I was so bummed out by the news that Kiffan left us high and dry that I couldn't bring myself to have sex with my sister. So I settled for bumping uglies with the chick who hoses down the killing floor at the slaughter house down next to my second cousin twice removed's trailer park. After I got down with her I felt a whole lot better and I went home and I done it with my sister. That'll show that fancy pants asswipe Kiffan what we's all about in east Tennessee."

Melody Mingewater told me:
"I'm so agitated over the whole thing that I can't bear to wear a blouse or a bra. But my arms are getting tired. Would you come and cup my breasts so no one sees my nipples? You don't mind do you?"

But before I could help the poor girl out I was accosted by Gov. Phil Bredesen (D) who told me:
"I blame this whole thing on this state's lack of corporate sponsorship. If we had a fine upstanding corporation like Monsanto running and feeding the rubes at the university in Knoxville then those hicks wouldn't care about football so much. Imagine if Starbucks was running everything over there, or Haliburton. I've tried and tried to get companies like Wal Mart and Valleydale Meats to take over our university system so the state wouldn't have to waste all that money on kids but they won't do it. I can't fucking wait until my term is over and I can go back into the insurance business and make obscene profits while raping poor and idiotic people as I do it. Hey, you wanna go hang out in a strip bar with me Monkey? I'm gonna go get some chick named Tiffany or Sun Drop to give me a hand job and then I'm gonna stiff her on the tip, it'll be kind of like a metaphor for my tenure as governor of this hick state. Oh who am I kidding? It's not 'kind of like a metaphor,' it's an exact metaphor for what I've done in my two terms as governor."

I was going to fling my feces at that rat bastard Bredesen but I sensed he'd like it too much so I walked away and went home.