Some of you may be wondering asking yourselves, "Just who the heck is this Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein I've been reading for so many months now?" Well, I can't reveal all the simian secrets about me, but I will tell that I'm the guy who:
- makes faces at little kids in check out lines.
- offers to introduce your teens to members of the opposite sex even if they don't want said introduction. And I give them bad dating advice too. I also love to embarrass your kids, especially if they are teenagers.
- pulls your kids hair gently or taps them on the shoulder when no one is looking and then I walk past you like I am as innocent and pure as the driven snow.
- buys one of those big paper shamrocks for Jerry's kids and signs it 'Albert Speer' or 'Hugh Gorgan.'
- goes to bookstores and moves copies of the Bible and the Koran to the religious fiction section.
- stares at men, women, and children who have mullets.
- loves to say in a loud voice, "Oh sweet Jesus, not a code 7! Run for your lives everyone!" after I hear someone in a grocery store say over the loudspeaker, "Code 7 on register 2."
- old people used to pat on the head and give coins to because I was such a sweet looking little boy.
I fear that I may have said too much, so that's all I will divulge now.
19 comments:
Oh Monkey!
Please come over to my house and make 12's life a living hell with your unwelcome introductions and unwanted dating advice!
Please! I beg of you!
enc-I'm on my way.
When you were an adolescent monkey, did you call stores and ask if they had Prince Albert in a can?
My teens have been sufficiently traumatized by my facebook page, but when that begins to wear off I'll be calling for your services.
I wrote a paper on Albert Speer in 9th grade. Thought I'd let you know.
So you're that guy?
Mullets are amusing...
PLEASE come torment the 16 year old!!! She deserves it after her response to the speeding ticket, 59 in a 45, was, "Oh my boyfriend is just buying me a fuzz-buster for Christmas."
sigh
Don't reveal much more, Monkey, or the government will be after you.
I take pictures of mullets in hopes they can be featured at mullets galor dot com.
I wish I had a teen for you to torment. Sigh. Welp. My niece just has 5 more years 'til teenhood, maybe you can give her advice then.
Making faces at kids in the checkout line is one of my favorites, too. I'm not ashamed when the parents and cashier catch me, either.
Oh, you're that guy I hate! And I used to think I liked you.
Don't forget, you also like to make the Baby Jeebus cry.
Yep, you ARE the guy my mom warned me about. No wonder I like you!
Jane Goodall
Dr. Monkey.
Of course.
Now it all makes sense!
That settles it.
We are related.
You're the fun uncle. I bet you always sit at the kids' table, too.
Hell, it's worth the dollar to write those names! Don't forget Connie Lingus and Phil Latio.
Don't forget Hugh Jass!
Post a Comment