Some of you may be wondering asking yourselves, "Just who the heck is this Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein I've been reading for so many months now?" Well, I can't reveal all the simian secrets about me, but I will tell that I'm the guy who:
- makes faces at little kids in check out lines.
- offers to introduce your teens to members of the opposite sex even if they don't want said introduction. And I give them bad dating advice too. I also love to embarrass your kids, especially if they are teenagers.
- pulls your kids hair gently or taps them on the shoulder when no one is looking and then I walk past you like I am as innocent and pure as the driven snow.
- buys one of those big paper shamrocks for Jerry's kids and signs it 'Albert Speer' or 'Hugh Gorgan.'
- goes to bookstores and moves copies of the Bible and the Koran to the religious fiction section.
- stares at men, women, and children who have mullets.
- loves to say in a loud voice, "Oh sweet Jesus, not a code 7! Run for your lives everyone!" after I hear someone in a grocery store say over the loudspeaker, "Code 7 on register 2."
- old people used to pat on the head and give coins to because I was such a sweet looking little boy.
I fear that I may have said too much, so that's all I will divulge now.
