Do Not Want

The boneheads at Charter Cable added some new channels to my cable line up and they switched around some existing channels as well. As with most everything Charter Cable does, these moves and additions suck worse than Sarah Palin's wardrobe before the RNC wasted $150,000 on it.

We already had 4 or 5 religious channels and they went and added something like 7 more. We already had TBN, which shows those ghastly women with pink beehive hairdo's crying about how much they love it when Jesus bones them. We had the INSP network as well, which shows programs like Zola Levitt Presents! and the Why The Jews Are Going To Hell Even Though They Are "The Chosen People" Hour of Power Fun Time Happy Show. The others that were foisted on us I usually just flipped past, as I did with the aforementioned shows unless there was something laugh out loud funny on them. I figured shit, that's enough religious shows for any Christian, Jew, or whoever else isn't a Muslim to watch and enjoy or whatever it is those people do with those inane shows. I figured that surely all those shows would be enough to keep the sheep convinced that their bigoted stone age belief systems were still vital and relevant in today's world.

Oh but was I ever wrong. Charter went and dug up a slew of new, excuse the upcoming pun, wholly shitty religious networks. They found a Catholic network, a Baptist network, a Mennonite network, an Amish network, a network devoted to all things Anglican, the Episcopal channel, a Reform Jewish network, an Orthodox Jewish network, and a network for the one group that is hated only slightly less than Muslims, Jews for Jesus. Flipping past this bloc of salvation I saw brief glimpses of people in leisure suits imploring me to turn my life to Jesus, to Moses, to the Pope, and to someone named Azroth the Blighted One. I saw priests break dancing, rabbi's kvetching, and stand up comics eating things off the pavement to prove that you can love Jesus, Joseph, and Mary and still have fun by gosh by golly.

It sickens me to see all these new god squad channels and it never ceases to amaze me how much convincing these people have to do to themselves that they are right.

In addition to all the new religious channels the geniuses at Charter also added RFD to our line up. Never heard of RFD before? Oh shit, where have you been? Living a full life full of fun while enjoying exciting and interesting cable channels? Well then partner, sit down for a sec and let me tell you all about the RFD network. Listen close because I'm only gonna say this once: IT"S A FUCKING CHANNEL ABOUT RURAL SHIT. Did you get that? Was I too technical? They show programs about farming, riding horses, how to worm barn cats, how to artificially inseminate cattle, and how to masturbate pigs for fun and profit. Oh yeah, and they also show the televised portion of the old racist Don Imus's radio show. They used to show Green Acres on RFD but they had to cancel it because some fucking hick finally figured out the show was making fun of slack jawed yokels like himself.

Thanks a lot Charter for the new channels, and don't misunderstand me you corporate dumbasses, I mean that sarcastically. You fucking fucks better not try to raise my rates after giving us that new slate of shit. In fact, you ought to go ahead and lower my cable TV bill because now there's even more of nothing much worth watching on your cable line up. I swear if it wasn't for Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, The Daily Show, Stephen Colbert, and a few shows on BBC America, IFC, and Sundance, I'd cancel.

Ah, screw it. I've got to wrap this up now, it's almost time for Mormon Mud Wrestling.