Impressions of Oscar

Here's some scattershot thoughts about last night's Oscars:

• Jon Stewart did a fine job with little time to prepare. The guy is a pro and he handled a pressure packed gig with grace. His political jokes were great but his best moment was bringing that gal from Once back out so she could thank people for her award.
• It was nice to see the Bourne movies get tossed a few bones. I'm not usually crazy for action films but this series I like, as do many many many other people. They never were serious contenders for the headline awards but they'll now be known as Oscar winners from now on.
• It's amazing what one can do in a Hefty brand trash bag. I thought Tilda Swinton pulled wearing a trash bag off pretty well. She could still use a tan though.
• Katherine Hegel is one beautiful woman but I can't get past her slagging Knocked Up. Maybe if she had turned it down when she read it the first time and maybe if she hadn't taken a shit load of money to be in it, then I wouldn't hold it against her. But she did make it, she did get paid for it, and she did benefit from the mostly good reviews, but now she wants to slag it? Bullshit honey. You made that bed, now lie in it. You don't see Helen Mirren running away from Caligula after all these years do you?
• I didn't like any of the nominated songs. I was glad that a song from Once won. It was nice to see the Disney machine lose.
• Kerry Russell needs to eat a sandwich and not toss it back up later. She looks like she has matchsticks for arms.
• Suck it up JD, Atonement didn't win much. It's okay, life will go on.
• Laura Linney is one real purty woman. I could see myself stalking her if Sparky ever dumped me.
• I'd rather get knifed in the kidney with a rusty can lid than watch Regis Philbin do anything on TV. His one saving grace is he's not Billy Bush.
• I'd rather not see Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones wax poetic over their Oscar wins. To be honest, I'd rather not see them at all because I think they are disgusting. He's disgusting for dropping his old wife like a rock for a young woman and she's disgusting for having a husband and a kid who are both in diapers. I get queasy at the thought of them in the sack together. Eww.
• I'm still pissed the Academy never recognized the passing of Adrienne Shelley. They snubbed her in last years montage of the dead and they did the same thing this year. Entertainment Weekly did the same thing. It must be a bitch if you die in November or December because you get ignored by everyone in the industry.
• Speaking of montages, I'm officially montaged out for the year.
• John Travolta looked like hell on the half shell. He looked like one of those skeevy porn actors in the twilight of their careers. All I can think when I see him now is that he believes in some stupid space alien bull shit religion.
• Helen Mirren looked hotter than most of the younger women in the audience.
• Someone please tell James Macavoy to take a fucking shave. And Viggo Mortensen too. But not the Coen brothers, somehow they make scruff work for them.
• Overall the show was kind of blah. I know it's because they only had a week or so to prepare, so considering that it was a monumental feat. But still, Jon Stewart couldn't carry it all by himself.

Now that I've seen which films won, I'll get off my butt and see some of them. I hope all your favorites won tonight and if they didn't then just be grateful that "comedian" Dane Cook wasn't nominated for anything.