"...I've done my time in the kitchen at parties."

It didn't take too awfully long to rouse me from my cookie induced diabetic coma this morning, Sparky said she only spent 45 minutes poking me with that sharp stick and then I got right up. After my morning bowl of oatmeal we went for our morning weekend walk and now I'm in tip top shape to tell you all about the cookie party yesterday, well, "tip top" as a fat bastard who's had a quadruple bypass can be anyway.


As soon as we arrived at Todd and Donna's place Miss Donna put us to work, like she'd done to all the other unsuspecting party guests.

"Hey, those cookies aren't going to bake themselves you know!"

You can't tell it from this photo but the gal on the right, Callie, is 8 months pregnant and Donna forced her to make cookies. The gal on the left, Ann, was forced into dipping five thousand cappuccino cookies into the melted chocolate. For awhile she was in the running for party MVP but when she bolted for the martini bar downstairs after the chocolate ran out she lost many a crucial vote.

"Help me! I think I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome! I need a drink!"

Just like death and taxes are constants in this life, there are a few constants of parties at Todd and Donna's house. And those constants are at every party there must be a bunch of great food (If it was possible I'd have the person who brought the cheese grits children. The curried chicken dish was damn good too. Hell, who am I kidding, everything was great.)

and there must be scores of cute women in attendance, some of whose names I forget every year.
This gal who looks kind of like Laura Linney in this shot, I swear I think I've had lengthy conversations with her before but I'll be damned if I can remember her name. Trust me though, she's really nice and she's great to talk with.These two, forget about it. People told me their names over and over but I somehow managed to forget them just as quick. They're super nice too and I suspect the one on the right made the curried chicken and the cheese grits. The one on the left made drinks. Both of them are super chicks.
That's our friend Tasha in the beret doing the hand jive. The needle on the cuteness meter went so far in the red when she walked in wearing that beret that it broke off. Tasha made it even better when she consented to speak French to us. Merci, Ms. Tasha, merci. The gal looking at the camera is Jessica. She used to work with Donna. She was one of the few women whose name I remembered. She wields a mean frosting bag. The cute woman next to her has a name but it escapes me now. She is alleged to be a whiz in the kitchen and she just started up a small pastry/baking business. Also she and her husband have the cutest 8 month old son in the world. The kid is not only cute as a button, he was also a very good baby, he didn't cry a bit during the party. Well, that's not strictly true, he did start to cry after I held him too long. Babies usually have that reaction to me, so I'm used to it by now.
I'm not allowed to tell you this woman's name but I am allowed to tell you that her initials are S.P.A.R.K.Y.
Here's our friend Cindy cutting some chocolate coconut bar type thingies she made and brought. Cindy is a cool chick who must have been concerned there would not be enough sweets at a cookie party and that's why she brought those bars. This cute woman's name is Sarah. She was telling me that if I take one more photo of her she's going to kick my ass. Since I live on the edge and danger is my middle name, I took another one. Nah nah nah, I dare ya to come after me Sarah. I forgot this gal's name but she was also in the running for party MVP for a bit.

Did I mention that there was a shitload of cookies there as well? I believe there may have been a solid metric ton of cookies by the time all the dust settled.

All these cookies had been made before we got there. I did my best to eat one of each kind because that's how fat bastards like me roll yo.

But unlike me, my friend Brad is no longer fat. Brad is the one in the GENIUS T shirt. He had gastric bypass surgery a few months ago and he's lost 250 lbs so far. By losing all that weight he put 40 or 50 years back on his life. That's our host and my friend Todd standing behind Brad. Todd, Brad, and I were all in the same improv comedy group at one time and yes, Todd licked the back of Brad's head back in those days too.

******

In the end a guy named Randall won the coveted MVP of the party award for all his tireless baking. He cheerfully rolled up a billion little chocolate balls that when cooked became huge round cookies. He then selflessly manned the oven for hours after that. And perhaps best of all he left the stupid jokes to me and Todd. Randall, savor your MVP prize, you deserve it!

*****

All in all everyone had a super time, even the UT fans who were watching UT lose to LSU had a good time, at the annual Todd and Donna Cookie Party. The food and the cookies were great, the booze was good, and the company was fun. Now, your burning question is what do they do with all those cookies? Well, as people leave the party you are told to take a tin and fill it with what ever kind of cookies you like and the rest of the cookies get sent to family members and far flung friends of Todd and Donna.

******

Thanks for having us down for the party Donna. We weren't too much trouble were we?

"Holy crap, have Dr. Monkey and Sparky left yet? No? Shit, get me a martini this big then!"