And now, a Presidential news conference on the Pakistan situation

Greetings American people! It is I, Soviet Cosmonaut Guy coming to you live from the Washington DC Ramada Inn where your President for Life Bush is about to answer some questions on the situation in Pakistan. What? He's not here? Where is he?"Hey, ya'll brown kids, look at me. I'm a monkey! Heh, heh, heh."

Excuse me Mr. President, it's time for your news conference.

"Okay, sorry. I was just playing around with them illegal alien's kids. Is Prevez Moosharif ready?"

What, you can't see me? I'm standing right next to you. Sometimes you are an idiot George.

"Watch it Prevez, or I may send your brown Allah worshipping ass to Gitmo. Hahahaha."

Yeah, right, and then who'd be your Asian lap dog? Hahahahaha.

"Fair enough, let's do this and then let's go get hammered."

You got it Georgie.

"Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for showing up. Me and my trained monkey will answer a few questions now. But since I have taken a page from Prevez's playbook and I have imprisoned all the corporate media, I will only take questions from Commie Astronaut Dude and from that gal with the small boobies who has the ragin' heart on."Thanks Mr. President. I'm wondering why when the military junta in Mynamar cracked down you wanted tough sanctions against them, but when your buddy standing next to you did the same thing in his country you did nothing."Ya, see little lady, the thing is we ain't close allies with them godless slant eyed folks in Burma like we is with Prevez here and since we don't give them any money we can get all moral about human rights and shit on them. Since Prevez gets millions of our dollars to fight terror and to house Osama Bin Laden, he can do what he pleases. Our friends can get away with murder but the people we don't like can't do shit."Let me just add to that, if we were in my country now young lady I would put my hand on your head and I would shove your worthless female brain into your chest cavity for asking such an impertinent question. And then you would be hauled off to the mountains that border Pakistan and Afghanistan and you would be married off to a goat herder or to a goat itself.

Please to excuse me sirs, but I have question for President for life Bush.

"Fire away Unibrow Guy."

Da, I will, thank you. You rarely wear hats Mr. Bush, what do you think of people in the Middle East and Asia who do wear head coverings?

"I got nothing against people in funny hats. That dude from Afghanistan cracks me up when he wears his beanie like thingy. I tell him it looks like one of them Jew hats on steroids."
"But them people who wear bed sheets on their heads, frankly, they scare me."
"Well, except for my buddy Osama. I could never be scared of the man who put me in office for a second term. If it hadn't been for him I never would have been able to shove the Patriot Act down ya'll's throats, spy on ya'll, take away ya'll's rights, and subvert the Constitution when ever I damn well please. Heck, I'm not an emotional guy but I'm gonna say something mushy now, Osama, I love you man!"
Hand to Allah, George, I love you too!

I have another question, why are you two in black and white now?

Holy shit! She's a witch! She turned us black and white George, send her to Gitmo! Throw her in a prison cell! Burn her at the stake!

"Steak? Mmmmmm, that reminds me, I'm hungry. Let's go get some lunch Prevez."

Only if you promise to give me millions more in aid so I can keep oppressing my people and subverting the aims of democracy.

"You got a deal buddy!"

There you have it America, that's all the news we're allowed to give you today. Tune in tomorrow for more! Until we meet again, remember, we must wage war to prevent war, we must continue to make the rich richer because only they know how to spend money wisely, and you must continue to give up your rights so that you can be free to do what we tell you to do!