Unhappiness

What's up Amurica? Ah hear that ya'll didn't like mah speech about the Eyerack war the other night. Ya'll know something? Ya'll ain't the only ones unhappy these days. Ahm pissed off too. Look closer at mah lapel and Ah'll show you somethin'...
Bam! There it is. See? Ahm pissed just like you are!! This Eyerack war thingy was supposed ta be a cake walk but it's gone on a bit longer than Unka Donald Rummy and Unka Dick said it would. But ya'll know me, Ah never leave a fight. Ahm stayin' in Eyerack fer as long as it takes. But that don't mean Ah don't get pissed like ya'll do. Hell, Ahm so ding dang mad now Ah could bite the head off a Mexican. But unlike ya'll Ahm not just mad about one thing. Unlike ya'll mah Ivy League schoolin' made my mind be able to be mad at several things at once. Here's a list of what Ahm mad about these days:

Ahm mad these delicious burritos are not in my belly right now.

Ahm mad Grandpap Al went and shot his fat yap off in his lil' book. Ahm so mad at the old goat that Ah may end up kickin' his scrawny old ass.

Ahm mad Ah cain't go see Sandra Sheskin in concert next week. Ya'll know how much Ah loves me some Hebrew girl rock and Jewish roll.

Don't even think Ahm done yet Amurica, cuz Ah ain't! Ahm also peeved about the followin' stuff:

Ahm mad the real Tom Jnes wasn't in this movie.

Speakin' uh Tom Jones, Ahm mad he doesn't use them hairy arms to pull me to his oily musky scented chest and comfort me in mah times of trouble.Ah want ya'll to look at this man Amurica. Look at him squattin' there by his cement pond. Look at them hairy thighs that would tickle a mans face and them abs that ya'll could grate cheese on. Now that's a man and Ahm mad he ain't mah "special friend."

Oh Tom, give up them girls and Ah'll shake mah groove thang in spandex for ya. Would ya'll look at the "assault weapon" ol' Tom is packin'? Holy god that's one big ol' wanger.

Did I mention the part about the delicious burrito making me mad for not bein' in mah belly? Ah did? Okay then.

Ahm pissed off mad at this stuff too:

Ahm mad this gal took off her top and she had that black box on under it. What's wrong with gals these days? Why cain't they show their boobs like Jenna and her sister The Other One does all the time at home?
See Amurica? It's an epidemic! This 'un's doin' it too! Only she made her lil box a little more colorful than that other gal.

Ahm mad that I cain't take ol' Dolly Parton to Stuckey's.

Oh man, Ah love Stuckey's. Ah could eat mah weight in pecan log rolls.

And ya'll kin buy all kinds of cool ass T shirts there. This 'un is one Ah wear alot. It makes me feel young when Ah wears it.

So there ya go Amurica, that's what Ahm pissed off about. You know what tho? Ah cain't do anything about all that shit so Ahm just gonna suck it up and go on with mah life. 'N' so should you. Ya'll quit whinin' like a little titty baby 'bout the war that ain't never goin' ta be over and ya'll have a snack with me.
Heck Amurica, I might even break out the Jack Daniels if ya'll promise not to drink and drive. How's that grab ya gizzard?