Interviewed by a Bee

No, not by that kind of bee,

by Freida Bee.

Question 1: When you were seventeen years old, Monkey Boy, assuming I was not the ten year-old I likely was, where would you have taken me on a date?

I would have probably taken you to The Patio which was a drive-in in Lee County. We would have dined on burgers and fries. After dinner we would have smoked a joint and rode to Red's, which was the only place I could have bought beer or Boone's Farm wine. With our buzz on we would have gone bowling or back to the family farm on Wallen's creek where I would have made a clumsy move to kiss you which you would have rebuffed thus sending me into a tailspin of no confidence over girls and dating for years to come. Of course I would have bragged to all my friends the next day that you and I totally "did it." Yes, I was an ass back then. Well, to be honest I'm still an ass today, but a different kind of ass.

Question 2: If you had a time capsule thingy, what 10 items (besides your Crunky and canned meats) would you store in there for future generations to find so they could get a glimpse of the man who made sweet Monkey Muck?

1) An empty pack of Marlboro Lights. I was a smoker for years but when I had my heart attack I quit them cold turkey. I had a pack and a half a day habit but I just stopped when they put that stent in me, so I'd put the empty pack in to prove quitting without supporting the big pharma companies can be done.

2) My Xbox. When I can't sleep or when it's cold and windy or too hot to go outside I play EA Sports baseball, 2004 edition, Outlaw Golf 2, Outlaw Tennis, and Destroy All Humans! Though not all at the same time mind you.

3) My copy of Even Cowgirls Get the Blues and a copy of Slaughterhouse 5.

4) All my Elvis Costello and Nick Lowe CD's but no CD player.

5) A polo shirt.

6) My soft cotton khaki pants.

7) My globe.

8) My copies of International Socialist Review.

9) A can of Black Cherry Cherish organic soda.

10) A package of Newman's Own organic chocolate creme cookies.

Question 3: ¿Why should I give you my vote for President, Señor Mono?

Because I am the only candidate with a plan to put America back on track. I invite you to look at my posts about health care (I favor universal single payer not for profit health care for all.), about immigration (I support opening all borders everywhere so anyone can live and work where they choose.), and about how we can end the war and end terrorism forever (See "Damn that was some good shit" in the side bar and you'll find the piece to which I refer.). My blogger opponents offer nothing but snide snark and crudely written fanciful diatribes against me.

And you should vote for me because I will let you and Annie Sprinkle hang out in the White House any time you want, provided I am around to hang with you that is.

Question 4: Dr. Monkey von Muckerweinerschtein, how would you summarize your blog in a limerick?

There once was a blog written by a male Monkey,

and the subject matter was, at times, a bit funky.

He tried to give you some laughs

while pointing out some Presidential gaffes,

and offering you a bite of his Crunky.

Question 5: If you wrote an autobiography, what would the title be and how would the last paragraph read?

Compassion and Contempt: The Two Sides of a Modern Monkey

"I can't say I always tried my best or that I treated everyone good at all times but I can say I've had a hell of a ride and hell of a lot of laughs. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn't change a thing except I wouldn't have gone to see First Blood so many times."

Thanks for asking such great questions Ms. Bee. It was a treat answering them. I apologize for taking so long in answering them.

If you'd like to be interviewed by me let me know in the comments section.

Oh, and Ms. Bee, forgive my tardiness in getting that thing to you in the mail, I promise it will go out this week.