Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I'm sorry

A little while back I wrote about a Cars song that had a huge effect on me when I was young and when I went back and I re-read that post I came to the conclusion that some of you might have thought I was slagging the entire south when I what I meant to do was to only slag Lee County, VA in the mid and late 1970's.

I've lived down here since 1974 and I consider myself a Southerner now. In an effort to smooth out any feathers I may have ruffled among my Southern readers out there I proudly present this list of things I love about the South:

1. Southern women. My girlfriend was born here.

2. College football. I thought people in the Midwest loved their Big Ten football, but honestly compared to people down here, they seem like pikers. College football is a religion here.

3. The high rate of mullets.
Oh man, what a mullet! It's so classic that I want to touch it.

4. All the coolest bloggers live down here. There's me, D Cup, Blue Gal, Phydeaux, Beth who writes Cup of Coffey, Boxer, Doug from Hey, Jenny Slater. If I missed any others then I'm sorry.

5. One word: Bar B Que!

6. Humidity. I like to sweat my ass off sometimes. No, really I do.

7. The mountains. How great are the mountains? They keep us cool in the summer, the block some bad ass winter storms in the winter, they are alive with all kinds of kick ass plant life in the spring, and they look unbelievable in the fall when the leaves turn.

8. The beach. Especially Atlantic Beach, North Carolina.
Atlantic Beach is Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein approved for sun, fun, and good times! And it's also where we vacation most years.

9. Banana pudding. Mmmmmm, pudding. So who cares if I have to make it with fat free milk? It's just as good without the fat!

10. Sweet tea. Putting sugar in iced tea that is already cold does not a glass of sweet tea make. You must put the sugar in the tea while it is hot so it melts into the tea if you really want true sweet tea.

11. The preponderance of commercials that feature animals who want to be eaten! This company, Valleydale Meats, used to run an ad on TV that showed these three pigs gleefully tossing packages of sausages, bologna, and ham into a shopping cart while they pranced around and sang in a supermarket.
It was horrifying but funny as hell to see them engaging in such happy cannibalism. And if they were stoked about eating each other, then why shouldn't I enjoy eating them as well?

12.. Flea markets. You can find almost anything at flea markets in the South. Look at what I found at one last weekend:

13. Winter is pretty much over by the first week of March. Once in a great while we might get a March snow, but by and large once we clear February, we're home free of winter.

14. TBS. Despite the fact they show god awful TBS made sitcoms and they run that Raymond show with that horrid Republican twat Patricia Heaton, TBS does run some good stuff like Seinfeld reruns, Family Guy reruns, and they do show some good movies late at night.

15. Old barns. I love to see old barns on people's property. The older, the better, especially if they look like they are gonna fall down at any second.

16. Asheville.
It's progressive oasis in an otherwise conservative area. It has a great downtown, some neat street festivals, a bitchin' art house movie theatre, and two of the best restaurants in the world, Thai Basil and the Asian Bistro. Unfortunately it also has a well known shit ass independent bookstore that is located downtown on Haywood street that claims to be progressive and gay and lesbian friendly but who would not stock my novel because they claimed it was "inappropriate" for them. If you know Asheville then you know what store I am talking about, boycott them for claiming to be open minded while they keep my book off their shelves.

That's all I can think of now, but there are many more reasons why I love the South. Seriously, if any of you who do not live here have not visited lately, then come on down!


Beth said...

Love our mountains, hate our humidity.

We're going to Asheville in a month! Any recommendations on a place to stay that's walking distance to the cool gallery/shopping districts?

Jess Wundrun said...

I cannot believe how funny you can be at 12:38 in the morning.

The animal cannibals made me do a spit take w/my coffee.

I hope my monitor can tak

Jess Wundrun said...

oh and I think you forgot authentic apple butter made in enormo copper pots by real hillbillies.

Splotchy said...

That's a nice rundown.

Regarding tea, I like mine unsweetened, but I just love getting asked whether I want it sweetened or unsweetened when I'm down South.

Since you're a Southerner, maybe I can ask you a Southern-hair question. On a road trip with Bubs to New Orleans a couple years ago, we had a meal in Memphis (I can't remember the restaurant's name for the life of me, but Bubs knows it, and it's sort of famous), I spotted a guy in his late 40's with a sweet-looking 1950's perfect pompadour.

I was all excited, thinking I'd see a whole bunch more pompadours on our trip, but sadly, this one was all I saw.

How common is the pompadour?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Beth-There are soem places downtown but I've never stayed in any of them. When we stay over we usually stay in a motel off Tunnel road. It's not that far and when you go downtown you can park in a parking garage and their not too expensive, we usually only pay like a buk or two to park all day on a Saturday or a Sunday.

Jess-I love apple butter you cheesehead.

Splotchy-The pompadour, while still popular in some pockets of the south, has been by and large supplanted by the mullet. Deal with it.

angry ballerina said...

Good man. I was getting ready to send you some hate mail.

Jess Wundrun said...

Hey, at t-ball last night there was a mom (of the my two mommies variety) who had a mulletier mullet than the one pictured here.

If only I had a camera on my cell phone!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

AB-I fear your brand of hate mail.

Jess-Lesbians have great mullets! An by the way, yay! t-ball!

Bubs said...

Splotchy refers to the Blue & White Diner in Tunica, MS. You can still see lots of late Elvis/televangelist style pompadours throughout the south, but at a slightly higher socioeconomic level than the mullet crowd.

Great list about the south! I can't wait to move back down there in a few years--my family is from Kentucky and West Virginia. Thank you for mentioning sweet tea and bbq, and to that list I'd add fried catfish and the popularity of pie: pecan pie, sweet potato pie, chess pie...mmmmmm. Pie. And did I mention fried food? Yeah.

NotSoccer Mom said...

love the sweet tea! although here in CA we usually do unsweetened. but whenever i'm in TX to visit my relatives, i go for the sweetened. and man, do i LOVE the food in TX.

lesbian mullets: rampant!

Phydeaux Speaks said...

MVM: You left out the Laughing Seed Restaurant, in Downtown Asheville (on Wall Street) - best damn vegetarian restaurant ever (and I'm not even a vegetarian)!

beth: Check out these B&B's, most of which are a short stroll from Downtown. If you're not into B&B's, then I would second MVM's recommendation of Tunnel Road lodgings. And if you stop into Woolworth Walk, pay attention to the design of the place (I helped out with the layout and renovation and a good friend of mine owns the place)....

Wow. I should contact the C of C and request compensation for the above promo. And, yes, I live just outside of Asheville.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Bubs-Mmmmm, pie.

Notsoccermom-Demand sweet tea where ever you go!

Phydeaux-I haven't tried the Laughing Seed yet. I could go on about other restaurants over there but atthe two I mentioned I got some of the best meals I have ever had while eating out.

Johnny Yen said...

My parents retired to Knoxville, not too far from Ashville. I didn't know that they were progressive there. Good to know.

I love the beauty of the South, but hate sweetened ice tea, and the fact that they always put sugar in it.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Johnny-Some of us can make sweet tea with out putting too much sugar in it. And of course some of us make plain iced tea as well.

Boxer rebel said...

Ok so now I am officially on the Monkey presidential bandwagon. Not only have you been amazing in your comments on my own wee little blog, but now you mentioned all the things I love about the south, although I may have to add fried catfish and hush puppies to your list. I know the bookstore you mentioned in A'ville, i will now never go there again, i always loved that one, but now that I have more info., no more. And finally as to your suggestion of staying on Tunnel that would be my thought as well, although since I went to UNCA for a bit, my gf when she visited would stay on Merriman at times and that was pretty close to downtown as well.