Deep in the bowels of the White House #3

Our super secret Monkey Muck microphones and cameras picked up the following meeting a few days ago deep in the bowels of the White House.

Dick Cheney: (as the Veep talks, we hear a sound of a man sucking and slurping along with the sounds of bones snapping) Grrr, is everyone here?

Chertoff: I'm here sir.

Cheney: Thank god for small favors. Hahaha, I said god. I hope one of those evagelicals heard me. They think I'm Satan.

Chertoff: They're not far off sir.

Cheney: Shut it before I snap your neck Jew boy.

Chertoff: Yes...

Cheney: I said SHUT IT! Oh good here come my Senators.

Sen. Vitter: So I slap her ass real hard like and she squeals like a pig.

Sen Lieberman: That's hot, but if you say pig to me once more I'll stick my finger up your ass.

Sen. Vitter: Pig, pig, pig. Hahahaha

Sen Lieberman: Hahahaha, you goy guys kill me.

Cheney: Zip it you two. We got major problems. The Democrats are investigating us left and right, they are also calling for me to lose my funding, and the bloggers are starting to be listened to more and more. Our pals in the media aren't doing their jobs, people are tuning them out. The people are starting to stray, we've got to get them back on our side. They've got to be made to listen and do our bidding once more. Any ideas?

Pres. Bush: I could play dress up again. They fell for it last time.

Cheney: I don't know...

Pres. Bush: I'll change my outfit this time. Hey look, I done changed. I'm Barney Flintstoner now! Yabba dabba boo!

Condi: I'll dress up too! Look at me, I'm Tank Girl!

President Bush: I'm Pope Falwell now! I extra communicate you all of you. Ya'll is all going to hell!

Sen. Lieberman: Hey Pope, pull my finger! Hahahahaha.

Sen. Vitter: Ya'll can sniff my finger! I seen my girlfriend again this morning. Woo hoo that gal has some pungent poo....
Condi: Watch it.

Sen. Vitter: Uhh, sorry Condi. I didn't mean no harm.

Condi: It's okay.

Sen. Vitter: Lemme make it up to you by sleeping with ya. I'm real extra horny like this morning.

Cheney: Calm down you horn dog. (slurrrrrrrrp) Ahhh, I do love human marrow. This is serious. The sheep are defecting and some of them are waking up. We have to get them back in line.

Pres. Bush: Hey look ya'll, I'm all nekkid and I'm fixin' to piss in the plant again!
Cheney: God damn it, get dressed you idiot. (mutters) How much longer do I have to pretend he's really the one in charge?

Pres. Bush: Holy shit, what's Condi got?

Condi: It's my pet bird. His name is Tyrone and he's a hawk, just like me!

Pres. Bush: That bird scares me. I'm closing my eyes so I don't have to see him. And I'll pray to the little tiny microscopic baby Jesus that he don't bite me or nothin'.

Cheney: Damn it people straighten up. Hang on. It just hit me. What makes the sheep fall in line every time? Say it with me people...

Everyone in unison: An unfounded terrorist threat!!!

Lieberman: Yay!

Vitter: Hell to the yeah. I got a terrorist threat in my boxers! Let's all fuck!

Condi: No wonder you're the real President!

Cheney: Okay here's what we do, Bush you go out and tell the sheep that they need to hang on and that progress is being made in Iraq. Tell them that Congress wants to hamstring the generals on the ground and that they don't support the troops. And tell them we ain't changing our war plans one little bit. Chertoff, you just get out there and make something up and you better make it sound good or I'll snap your neck and use your spine for a toothpick. Or better yet, I'll sic Mary on you.

-A few days later-

President Bush: We're makin' progress, turnin' the corner, surging like crazy, staying the course or else the terrorists will be here and they'll gang rape your kids and grandparents and turn us all against the baby Jesus.

Chertoff: I have a feeling that Al Qaeda is going to attack us soon. Maybe tomorrow, maybe yesterday, but definitely soon. I've got a gut feeling that tells me so. And I pray you all believe me or one of the Cheney's will kick my ass.