Interview With Rudy

No, not that Rudy.










That Rudy.








Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein: Thanks for chatting with us Rudy.
Rudy: 9/11, you're most welcome, 9/11.
Dr. MVM: How the campaign going?
Rudy: Well much like the fateful day for America, 9/11, it's going well.
Dr. MVM: Things went well for America on 9/11? Did you just say that?
Rudy: Well yeah, I did. 9/11 shot me to national prominence. So I'd say that, yes, 9/11 was a great fateful day for America. 9/11.
Dr. MVM: You've pretty much based your whole campaign on your role as New York City mayor on 9/11.
Rudy: Well as any New Yorker will tell you, New York City is the hub of the known Universe. And since I was mayor, I am the center of that universe. And since 9/11 happened to New York, I am responsible for everything good about 9/11. 9/11.
Dr. MVM: But if we remember our history correctly, before 9/11 you were a pretty polarizing figure who ramrodded your conservative reforms through a skeptical city and that after the first terrorist attack on New York, you did virtually nothing to prevent the next attack. And while we're at it on 9/11 all you did was act like you knew what you were doing when in reality your leadership was wishy washy at best and deadly slow at worst.
Rudy: 9/11, how dare you attack me? I was mayor on 9/11 and I will always be the hero of 9/11. I watched those firemen and police officers carry out the dead and injured all the while the dust and rubble was swirling around me. I might have gotten hit by something while I was watching and giving press conferences and interviews. Your pre 9/11 mindset is a victory for the terrorists.
Dr. MVM: So you seemed to have learned how to respond to critics like your buddy Georgie W. What else have you learned from him?

Rudy: I learned how to do this. Hey monkey, look over there, it's 9/11.

Dr. MVM: What concrete things do you have planned if you become president?

Rudy: I plan to make the Yankees America's team. I will outlaw all other MLB teams and I will move the nation's capital to NYC and I will 9/11 everybody with some nice 9/11.

Dr. MVM: So basically you are as insane as the rest of the Republicans we've interviewed so far.

Rudy: I'm not as bad as Romney, he's a Mormon 9/11. And Gilmore, he's a redneck 9/11. And my fellow Roman Catholic bud Sam Brownback, he's a Kansas 9/11. Did I mention 9/11?

Dr. MVM: Once or twice you might have. How do you plan to reach out to the Democrats and the people who do not support you?

Rudy: Well much like that cold snowy 9/11 morning...

Dr. MVM: Hang on doofus, it was not cold or snowy on 9/11.

Rudy: As the rain fell on that 9/11 morn, I....

Dr. MVM: It was sunny and hot.

Rudy: I was mayor then, remember? Not you. What I say goes. Your facts are those of someone who keeps a pre 9/11 mindset.

Dr. MVM: Your handlers are telling me that someone is here to see you.

Rudy: Probably my beautiful wife. Yep, that's her.

Mrs. Rudy: We met on 9/11.

Rudy: I 9/11 her all night long.

Mrs. Rudy: His 9/11 is huge.

Rudy: Come here baby.

Dr. MVM: Ewww, gross. Get a room you disgusting pigs.

Rudy: 9/11! 9/11!

Mrs. Rudy: Your 9/11 is so happy to see me. Oh 9/11, give me your 9/11 harder.

Rudy: You got it.

Dr. MVM: This is worse than walking in on a bonobo orgy.

Rudy: 9/11!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Rudy: Yes 9/11 baby, 9/11 me.

Rudy: Here it comes.......
DR. MVM: No!!! Stop it you two! Not on my Silverback Gorilla rug! Get off there you damn dirty humans!

Rudy: 9 elevennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

Dr. MVM: My eyes!! My eyes!!!! I've gone blind!!!!!!