Creationist Museum opens today!!!!

Welcome to the Creationist Museum of Scientific Thinking and Bait Shop here in Petersburg Kentucky.We are proud to finally open our doors and show you the story of creation that the evolutionists, secular pagans, and the left wing media do not want you to see. Please give a big hand to your host for the tour, Kirk Cameron!
Thanks everyone, it's totally awesome to be here. Ya'll know I am fresh off my highly successful "Proving That Creationism is Real Due to the Design of the Banana" tour and my roles in the blockbuster "Left Behind" series, copies of which can be bought in the museum gift shop. Just to make sure you remember what to look for, because we throw an awful lot of creationism at you here in the museum and because I need the money since my career is in the toilet, I'll show what the DVDs look like:If you haven't seen them yet, they are totally awesome, just like God and his son Jesus are!! Now as ya'll can see the museum here is a pretty big place and it would be hard for me to cover all this with you by myself, so please give it up for my co-host Patty Heaton!Wow, thanks everyone, what a great round of applause for me. I really deserve it too since I am so into Jesus and since everyone in Hollywood and New York hates me. This is a totally awesome place and I am super proud to be here. And ladies, it's not such a bad thing being up here with a hot hunk like Kirk. He's no Jesus,
but he's still pretty darn cute. Aww thanks Patty, you are not so bad yourself, or so they tell me since I don't look at you, or any woman besides my wife, with lust in my heart. My wife is the only woman in the world who gives me Growing Pains below the belt, if you catch my drift.

Well anyway enough about that. Lets get on with the tour! Now as all of your good Christians know Noah took two of every animal on the Ark. But what the Darwin lovers do not tell you is that he also took the dinosaurs on the ark.
Now if they don't want you to know about that what else are they hiding from you? Maybe they don't want you to know the truth that only good Christians like me and Patty know.




You bet Kirk, the Democrats, the secular humanists, the transvestites, the Jews, they don't want you to know who else Noah brought with him on the ark. Like for instance did you know Lassie was on the ark?

And Wookies too.

And the Wild Things from that Sendak book that I refuse to let my children read because it's not Jesus approved. Who else was on the ark Kirk?

Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. Heck the kids had to have toys on that ol' ship didn't they?

Nancy Reagan was on the ark.

And guess what?

So was her husband Ronald Reagan.
And his wife too, don't forget her Kirk!

I already said she was on there Patty. How about you take a Percocet and relax babe.




Space aliens were on there also.

Cave men too.

Cave men, their funny. Ya know, I was up for the part of one of them GEICO cavemen but I didn't get the part because I love Jesus too much.

I know just how that goes Kirk. I didn't get the part as Cameron Diaz's little sister in that movie I auditioned for because I love Jesus too much. It's discrimination.

Seriously Patty, shut that fat yap and let me get on with what I got to say. Where was I? Oh yeah, now I remember.

Phyllis Schlafly was on the ark too. Or was she on the Mayflower? I can't remember, but you know what I do remember? I remember how awesome this place is and how much I love Jesus.

Ya'll know what? Maybe if we brainwash and lie to enough people we can close down that evolution museum down the street. And then the sign we put up over there last night will stay up forever.

I know it's what Jesus wants. Hey where's everyone going? Come back here, we're not done yet! Come back here! Patty do something!!!

I'll show them my boobs!

Oh God no, Jesus will smite us all for looking at your nay nays. Maybe the world isn't ready for this place after all.