Hey Southern Baptists, what are you doing to stop the gay agenda?

"Going to gloryholes to preach the Gospel, that's all, just preach the Gospel."

"Loudly praying away the gay behavior we constantly see."

"We attend only Christian swinger parties that promise no gay stuff."

"I'm developing a vaccine for the gay."

"Giving lots of mind bending oral sex that keep us from straying."

"We're dressing up in silly costumes and smiting anyone who isn't exactly like us."

"Non stop reading of the Bible to shut ins, heathens, and Methodists."

And here's a special report from the Southern Baptist Men's Committee on Homosexuality in the Boy Scouts of America

A while back we stopped the Boy Scouts from using our churches as a meeting place because they had recently become more accepting of the gay homosex and those who practice it's deviant lifestyle.  Many of you complained that we were being intolerant and reactionary.  So we decided to investigate what's become of the once great non gay God fearing America loving Boy Scouts since we parted ways with them.  Here is a partial list of our findings:

Most all Scout troops now force impressionable young men to play leap frog in the hopes of getting them sexually stimulated by letting their genitals graze each other as they leap over and get leaped over.  Many troops also insist that Scouts now spend most of their time doing squat thrust crotch related exercises in the hopes of building up the size of young penises.

The BSA now mandates that Scouts sleep in this position in case another Scout wishes to engage in anal intercourse with them.  If you refuse the anal intrusion, you are blackballed and then drummed out of the Scouts.

Scouts, especially the ones in New York city and San Francisco, must model their young chiseled bodies for leering gay homosex crazed officials and other Scouts who may be ready to try the gay lifestyle.

'Sensitive' Scouts are now encouraged to do things like make art, share feelings and emotions, and to dress like women.  Non gay manly activities such as shooting, tinkering with motors of all sorts, and fondling animals are now discouraged if not banned all together. 

All sorts of gay homosex touching and wrestling is now a big part of troop meetings.  

Music and songs celebrating the deviant side of life are mandatory.  And the rapping music is encouraged and lauded above all other forms of music.  Christian music is laughed at and spat upon.

Merit badges in ogling, leering, and catcalling gay homosex remarks are now awarded.  Also American flags are cut up into little squares and used for toilet paper.  

And perhaps most troubling of all, smoking of the reefers is encouraged because it makes the gay homosex orgasm more intense and because it makes blasphemy more fun.

So as you can see, everything that we thought was going to happen has happened.  And this proves once again that we Baptists are always right.  So, please join with us while you can before it too late.  Once Jesus comes back, you can't be all up in him unless you're saved and on the Baptist path to salvation. 

The Southern Baptist Guide to Eradicating Workplace Gayness

If you suspect a co-worker of being gay you must first pray for him or her and if that doesn't work, you haven't prayed hard enough, so pray some more.  If it doesn't work after a week of praying, then you must check his or her mouth for Satan.  Take their face in your hand and probe inside their mouth for evidence of the Dark One's presence. They will scream, squirm, and claim your're assaulting them, but tell them in a loud voice so they and everyone else can hear, "I am doing this because I love you and I want you to come to Jesus Christ."  You can do anything you like as long as you say you're doing it out of love and concern for their mortal soul.

If you see Lucifer in their mouth, then clamp yours down on theirs and suck him out of that oral cavity.  Use your tongue to root the devil out of that gay mouth.  Do it.  They will thank you later.

If your previously gay co-worker faints after you sucked The Blighted One, aka the gayness, out of them, then you must administer first aid.  It's your Christian duty.  First drag them off to a secluded area where no unbelievers, females, underage tots, atheists, Communists, or Methodists can see what you're about to do.

You must strip off their shirt and begin massaging them, use scented oils if you have to, God loves it when we anoint people with oil.

After the massage, give them a tattoo in the shape of your hands which will be a forever reminder of the love you showed for them when you eradicated the gay from them.

Once you finished the tattoo, drive to their home and if they have any children spank the gay out of them.  Don't let anyone stop you.  Remember, Jesus doesn't recognize gay marriage so if they have a gay partner who they are warping children with, you must eradicate the gay from them after you have spanked the gay from all children in the house.  

If your co-worker lapses back into the gay lifestyle after you've helped them, then the only loving thing you can do for them is to burn their house down.  

Try to make sure no one is in it when you set it ablaze for Jesus.  

And remember, do all this in the name of Jesus because we've prayed about it, and we're pretty sure Jesus is okay with it.  And he's also okay with you fucking your hot secretary or a cheerleader from time to time, hell, you're only human after all.

Amen!