Hey black folks and Baptists, what's pissing you off these days?

"Nobody really 'gets' performance art anymore.  That shit pisses me off.  Also, it's cold in here."

"I asked my woman for a little head and this is what she gave me.  That's pissing me off."

"We object to the gratuitous use of Negroes in this blog post.  We feel like we white people should be the butt of the jokes, japes, and jibes presented herein."

"We were pissed about Obama and what he's done to our country, but then we smoked a big fat joint and now we don't give a shit.  Hey, you got any tortilla chips or fruit pies on you?"

"Union thugs and mailmen who sleep in the noon day sun."

"I'm pissed off over how those atheists are only being 'decent' people because they want us Baptists to think they're good folks.  Once they lure us in to believing that kind of thing, BAM, they're going to load us persecuted Christians into box cars and ship us off to get gay married to some Communists.  It's a disgrace!"

"We're pissed that our fancy TV remote stopped working and now we can't watch Matlock or that nice Paula Deen.  We're reduced to talking to one another in between bouts of giving and receiving mind numbing amounts of oral sex."

"I'm wearing shorts made out of chains, so you tell me, what do you think I'm pissed off about?"

"Police brutality, police banality, and police bestiality."

"Dia-beetus."

A holiday reminder...

Female trouble

"So that's where Jesus wants our husbands to put it?  I'll bet it hurts a lot less if it goes in there, so yeah, that makes sense."

The Southern Baptist Guide to Eradicating Workplace Gayness

If you suspect a co-worker of being gay you must first pray for him or her and if that doesn't work, you haven't prayed hard enough, so pray some more.  If it doesn't work after a week of praying, then you must check his or her mouth for Satan.  Take their face in your hand and probe inside their mouth for evidence of the Dark One's presence. They will scream, squirm, and claim your're assaulting them, but tell them in a loud voice so they and everyone else can hear, "I am doing this because I love you and I want you to come to Jesus Christ."  You can do anything you like as long as you say you're doing it out of love and concern for their mortal soul.

If you see Lucifer in their mouth, then clamp yours down on theirs and suck him out of that oral cavity.  Use your tongue to root the devil out of that gay mouth.  Do it.  They will thank you later.

If your previously gay co-worker faints after you sucked The Blighted One, aka the gayness, out of them, then you must administer first aid.  It's your Christian duty.  First drag them off to a secluded area where no unbelievers, females, underage tots, atheists, Communists, or Methodists can see what you're about to do.

You must strip off their shirt and begin massaging them, use scented oils if you have to, God loves it when we anoint people with oil.

After the massage, give them a tattoo in the shape of your hands which will be a forever reminder of the love you showed for them when you eradicated the gay from them.

Once you finished the tattoo, drive to their home and if they have any children spank the gay out of them.  Don't let anyone stop you.  Remember, Jesus doesn't recognize gay marriage so if they have a gay partner who they are warping children with, you must eradicate the gay from them after you have spanked the gay from all children in the house.  

If your co-worker lapses back into the gay lifestyle after you've helped them, then the only loving thing you can do for them is to burn their house down.  

Try to make sure no one is in it when you set it ablaze for Jesus.  

And remember, do all this in the name of Jesus because we've prayed about it, and we're pretty sure Jesus is okay with it.  And he's also okay with you fucking your hot secretary or a cheerleader from time to time, hell, you're only human after all.

Amen!

The 1956 Baptist Student Association from East TN State would like to remind you that...

...unless you suck it up and become Baptists like they are, then you're going to hell. And that goes double for liberals and folks who think it's okay for two dudes to kiss and get married.