He loves it when a plan comes together

Hello America, Rick Santorum here. As many of you know I hate marriage equality and I said just the other day that I'd die on the hill of this battle. That's right I'd rather die than see homosexuals get married to one another. However, I don't mind if they marry people of the opposite sex, I'm cool with that. After all, Marcus Bachmann did it and look at his marriage.

Hahahahaha, but seriously folks, I really, really, REALLY hate gay marriage. And I especially hate the ones they performed already. They need to be broken up and I've come up with a plan to do just that. In fact, my plan will end all gay marriages in the USA.

My plan is simple, it's ingenious, and it's fool proof. My plan is this: we send in secretly not gay men to have sex with one of married gays in a married gay couple. This will piss off the other partner and they'll dump and divorce the cheating gay. I believe in my plan and my hatred of gay marriage is such that I am willing to go in and have gay sex with as many gay marrieds as it takes to break up the gay marriages that swept this nation. I know that I can't be having all the sex that breaks up these marriages, so I have enlisted some of my friends, Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Sen. Lindsay Graham, Donald Rumsfeld, and that black minister in Atlanta who digs the younger dudes, and we're all going to go about breaking up gay marriages all across the states where it's permitted. It's going to be dangerous, hot, and sweaty work so we've all been working out and taking Viagra by the fistful. We're serious about this and with the help of Jesus Christ, we'll whip these gays and we'll nip this gay marriage thing in the bud.

And don't worry, when the lesbians see what kind of cock we're slinging, then they'll all convert and become the man loving sex machines God intended them to be, because you know just as well as I do that those women are only having sex with women because they haven't ridden the right cock yet.

So that's my plan and I'm stickin' to it. Now, where are my chaps? I need to show off my dimpled ass so I can begin the seduction of the married gays!

Good news for all you Christians

Hey all you Christians, okay you Jews can take heart too but since Rick Santorum is such a good Christian this news is directed mainly at his fellow Jesus lovers, it turns out that hundreds of years of Christian practice is now wrong and out dated! It turns out, according to that theological giant Rick Santorum anyway, that you no longer have to live your faith through the week. You guys can just go worship on Sunday and the rest of the week your off on your own to do whatever you please! Your religion is only for Sunday and not the rest of the week!

"What? You mean Daddy is going to be home more now that he got his ass whipped in the PA Senate race? Waaaaaahhhhhh!"

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How do I come by this good news for you modern Christians? Well, it's simple really. During this new holy week for Reich wing conservatives, or as you and I know it, Islammo-Fascism week, Ricky boy has finally come out and said just what his problem with Islam is, he says it's not a religion that you just practice on a Sunday and that it's a religion that it's adherents must live their lives around. He says it's not just something to do on a Sunday, presumably like his brand of Christianity, and that it's a violent religion that seeks to gain new members by proselytizing and by sometimes violent means.

"Holy crap, I'm gonna have to start spending quality time with the man people around this country hate?"

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I'm not sure about you but I'm pretty floored by all those revelations from the Rickster. I seem to recall a certain religion that has a long history of proselytizing and forcing people to convert at the point of a sword or a gun and that has had no problem with using many of the same tactics and practices that Muslims have used. I seem to recall a faith that demands that everyone in the world bow down to it and forsake all others, just like Islam calls for. I could be wrong but maybe this is a case of God's kettle calling Jesus's pot black.

"You'd cry too if your father said such stupid things."

Correct me if I'm wrong here but aren't good Christians supposed to go forth every Sunday from their churches and do good works and spread the gospel of Jesus Christ? And are they not commanded to live a Christlike life all week long and put their faith to work in their homes, neighborhoods, and communities? Well, yeah, and you know what? That's the same things Muslims are commanded to do by their holy book. But according to Santorum it's a bad thing when Muslims do it because they're not Jesus lovers like him. So once again it's only Christians who are allowed to practice their religion and to hell with the rest of you non Jesus lovers. Well except for maybe the Jews, and the sacred underwear clad Mormons, and maybe the Sikhs, and okay you Buddhists can practice your religion too but keep it down, and you Hindus can do what you like as long as you don't steal any of the good Christians away from Jesus.

So that leaves who not able to freely practice their religion? Oh yeah , now I remember, it's the dark skinned Muslims who want to kill all of us freedom loving god fearing Jesus humping white folks.

You know what? Why anyone takes anything this idiot says seriously is beyond me. Never forget he's the guy who says it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it only takes a man and a woman who are married in the eyes of his god and of course that wife had better not work, no sir, she'd better stay home and raise those kids according to the Bible that he believes in. And this was the guy who said that homosexuality leads inevitably to bestiality. And he also said that if he got beat in the PA Senate race then all hell would break lose and the terrorists would win and they'd come over here and impregnate his creepy crying daughter, okay maybe I'm stretching it a bit on that last point but you get the idea. Thank goodness the fine people of PA had the right idea and that they voted his ass out of office. Unfortunately for the rest of us now this asshat has plenty of time to be the face of hatred in this idiotic and intellectually bankrupt affair called Islammo-Fascism week. Hang on I just realized that if anyone would recognize a fellow fascist it would be Ricky and his BFF Norman Podhoretz because those Reich wingers can smell their fellow travelers a mile off.