Seriously Canada, happy Canada Day!

I don't know aboot you, but I'd like to rake some leaves eh. 

Lightening fast TV reviews

 Lil' Steven plays a mobster once again.  This time he's a mobster who rats out his buddies to the FBI and he gets put into the witness protection program.  He chooses to go to Lillehammer, Norway.  Once there he gets involved with shady deals, Norwegian babes, and he runs afoul of a couple of Norwegian cops.

The best thing I can say about this fish out of water show is that the Norwegians who are in it are very good.  The Americans, not so much.  I recommend it only for the Norwegians and their beautiful country.

A well known Shakespeare festival goes through ups and downs and it's casts and crews go through many interpersonal dramas.  It's funny at times, poignant at others.  I liked the first series very much, the second was okay, and the third looks promising.

My favorite characters are Geoffrey, Richard, the ball busting American female exec in the first series, Anna, Oliver, Kate from the first series, Nahum, Sophie, Cyril, Frank, and Darren.  My least favorite character is Ellen, in fact I detest her.  I make it a point to root for older characters, especially older female characters, but I really can't stand Ellen.

I recommend this series highly for the story, the acting, the gentle comedy, the takes on Shakespeare, and the Canadian-ness of it all.  It's very well done and if you're a recovering theatre nerd like I am, then you'll like it even more.

A Monkey book report

Unlike a lot of my countrymen and women, I am curious about Canada, our neighbor to the north, and I want to read and learn more about it. So a few weeks back I picked up this book at a local used book store:
It came out in the late 1980's and it's references to the old USSR made me laugh, as did the passages about the old Brian Mulroney government. Alas, those two things were about all I enjoyed about this book.

The author clearly thinks he's a wit, perhaps on par with his late countryman Oscar Wilde. Sadly however, when it comes to witty writing he's got more in common with Oscar Gamble in the last stages of his major league baseball career. Mr. Brook stakes out his literary ground clearly and early in every chapter that I read and he refuses to budge off that ground. He begins his Canadian journey in Newfoundland, which he finds endearingly odd and he never lets us forget it. Then it's a quick jaunt off to the other maritime provinces, which according to Mr. Brook consist of Nova Scotia and Cape Breton Island. He finds the people and landscape of those two places to be endearingly odd. Next up he saunters off to Quebec where he finds the Francophone population to be, wait for it, wait for it, endearingly odd. But it gets better in Quebec, he finds the people, the cities, and the landscape to also be stiff and boring too! By the time he hit Toronto, which he found just boring, which was almost refreshing for a change, I had had enough.

Having skipped over Prince Edward Island all together and seeing as how the very British Mr. Brook found most everyone in Canada to be endearingly odd or boring, I didn't want to see what he thought of the prairie region, the Rocky Mountain region, the northern territories, or British Columbia. I had a feeling he'd find them odd, boring, and not British.

Avoid this book. It stinks. There are better travel books about Canada out there, I know because I read one of them, Theatre of Fish by John Gimlette, and I'll keep searching them out. Seriously though, avoid this book like the plague.

Dear Canadian friends,

You know I love all of you and you know how much I love and revere your fine country. However, not all of your countrymen are cool or friend worthy. In fact, some Canadians are insufferable asswipes.

• Those Canadians who claim to be morally superior to us here in the USA, asswipes.
• Canadians who think they are clever and funny by comparing the people of Quebec to us here in the USA to illustrate how dumb we all are, asswipes.
• Canadians who constantly and persistently try to chat me up on Facebook, even after I tell them I do not want to chat, asswipes.
• Canadians who refuse to acknowledge that they too are Americans by virtue of the fact that they live on the American continent, asswipes.

Unlike the Canadian jerk who I just blocked on Facebook, I won't judge all of you fine people by one by example. Well, two if I include your insipid Prime Minister.

I still love you all and I love your fine country. And one day if the shit keeps rising like it is here in the USA, I may just move north to live with you. However, I'll be sure to stay the hell away from that idiot Bruce Hallet. And Stephen Harper.

Sincerely,
Dr. Monkey

A Monkey Movie Review

While at the soon to be bankrupt Blockbuster store yesterday I noticed that the sequel to Trailer Park Boys: The Movie was out. I was going to rent it but then I remembered I hadn't seen the first Trailer Park Boys film. So I rented it instead.
And I'm happy to report I feckin' loved it.

For those who are not familiar with the Trailer Park Boys, the whole thing started out as a short film about a couple of lowlife Canadian trailer park dwellers. Then it grew into a successful TV series and finally it's become a motion picture franchise.

This film tells the story of a band of lovable criminals who live in a trailer park in Canada. They drink, smoke pot, screw around, put on cat shows, do jail time, eat shit food, drink more, do some robberies, and cuss. And they cuss some more. The last time I heard this much cursing by Canadians was when Wayne Gretzky signed to play hockey for the NHL team in Los Angeles. Of course the guys have enemies, such as the local cops, the owner of the local strip bar, the guys who do security at the trailer park, and a few of the guards in the jail where they do time, and they make life hell for our anti heroes.

I'm not sure which characters I liked the best but I narrowed it down to Bubbles, the kitty loving nervous wreck who wears Coke bottle bottom glasses, Trinity, the budding young criminal daughter of the leader of the Trailer Park Boys, or shirtless Randy, the sidekick to the head of trailer park security.

All in all it's harmless fun and a laugh out loud comedy. I really liked it and I can see myself quoting lines from it after I watch it a few more times. I'm pretty sure the reason why I liked it so much is because I not only know guys like this, I have guys like this in my family, so the humor is close to home for me. I also liked it that this film is definitely and proudly Canadian. I love that characters like this are universal. And they don't just live in trailers, they live in condos, in apartments, in rented houses, and of course cars.

I'll definitely be seeing the sequel to this film and one day I hope to see the TV version of the Trailer Park Boys.

Thank you Canada

Thanks for a great 21st winter Olympiad Canada. You cats pulled it off nicely and with great aplomb. But to those countrymen and women of yours who were disparaged the games coming to your fine country, I say, "Up yours, eh."

Congratulations on a fine set of games, all those gold medals you finally won on your home soil, and for being such gracious hosts. You folks did it up right. Sochi, Russia will be hard pressed to top your games.

Canada, land of family fun and calisthenics

Who doesn't love vintage tourism ads?

There's no swag like Canadian swag (part 2)

My friend, the incredibly fit, beautiful, and intelligent Deepti sent me this hand made postcard!
The monkey and the bananas are hand drawn and glued to the card. How freakin' cool is that?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love Toronto women! (Especially Deepti and her super cute sisters!)

Methinks thou does protest too much

Calvin is right, octopi are everywhere!

A short list of old people not yet killed by the British and Canadian health care systems

The right wing pro private insurance lobbyists and flacks are claiming that single payer health care will kill old people in the USA. But if that was true wouldn't it also have killed old people in countries that have had government run health care for decades? Sure it would. But somehow the Rolling Stones continue to cheat the government death squads:

So has Canadian funny man Leslie Nielsen:
And this old bird and her husband have evaded government sponsored death for many years now:
Wayne Gretzky still walks the earth:
And finally the Canadian system tried to kill hockey hall of famer Gordie Howe

but he managed to kick it's ass.

What single payer government run health care will really do for the senior citizens of this country is make their lives better since all of them will now have access to quality health care and other medical services.

It's never to early to start planning that Sarnia-Lambton County Ontario dream vacation you've been dreaming about

That's right, even in today's tough economic times it's never to early to start planning that dream trip to Sarnia-Lambton County in Ontario, Canada! In addition to bridges, water, smoke stacks, and rocks, you'll thrill to the the following attraction:

Mmmmm, oily!

Can't you just taste the back bacon now?

The lovely Mi-Tera Motel now promises all in room televisions most likely will work. And 100% of them feature stellar CBC programming!

Who wouldn't want to shop in one of 'Ontario's most attractive stores?'

A trip the the world's last carbon black factory will give the kids something to talk about for years to come.

With all those things to see and do while in Sarnia-Lambton County, you may have a hard time catching your breath! So book your tour today and by the time all the snow melts and the warm temps hit, which should be some time in early July, you and the family will be ready to live it up Ontario style!

(This post was brought to you by the Quebec Ministry of Tourism, who would like to remind you that a trip to Sarnia-Lambton County makes the shittiest place in Quebec look good.)

North America has two assholes

Tory (or for my American readers, conservative right wing) Prime Minister Steven Harper of Canada joined his buddy George W. Bush in the Assholes In Power Hall of Fame today. Harper, the man who became Bush's poodle after Tony Blair stepped down from his position of leadership in Britain, dissolved the Canadian Parliament today so that he would not have to face a no confidence vote which he would have surely lost. When he does finally face being the victim of his own hubris when he loses the upcoming no confidence vote he'll have to call for new elections and hopefully when that happens our friends to the north will kick his party out of power.

I wish we had a political and a health care system like they do in Canada. We'd have gotten rid of Bush and his sanctimonious thieving pack of baying jackals years earlier if we had a system like theirs. And we'd all have free health care too. Imagine that, free doctor's visits and hospital stays and we'd also get to boot out the idiots who took our country to war over nothing and who ran our economy into the ground.

Canada, this is your shining moment, take advantage of it and send those Tories packing.

Benny Hill and I...

...want to wish all my Canadian readers and friends a happy Canada Day, eh!

Who's swagging me now?

Pirate Queen, blogger extraordinaire, and Tom Jones's number 1 Canadian fan, Captain Karen is swagging me now! She sent me a petit paquet via par avion! (That's small packet via air mail to you philistines.) And she sent it to me in spite of the fact that I often dress myself in clashing plaids. Case in point, I wore this blue plaid shirt with these green plaid shorts today: Anyhoo, this is what came in my package from north of the border: a travel pack of tissue with a cute monkey on it, a little plush monkey with stretchy rubbery arms, which I can do things like this with. Also in the prize pack was this little toy set: My bad photography skills prevent you from seeing the winged monkeys in the bottom left corner, so you'll have to trust me when I tell you how cool they look. She also sent a bar of super good quality chocolate with a chimp on it but unfortunately since the temps are in the high 70's to low 80's here and the sun is out in full force it was all melty by the time I got it out of the petit paquet. But like all smart commanders of ships that sail the high seas, Capt. Karen planned ahead, she put the candy bar in a little sealed plastic baggy. Said bar and bag are now residing in my freezer and hopefully I'll be able to have a nibble off it soon.

Many thanks to you my nautical liege Captain Karen for being so thoughtful, generous, and sweet. I'll be returning the favor soon.

On a side note, I lived for 45 years on this planet and I never ever got any mail or packages from anyone outside of this country. But now since I've made so many great and kind friends through my blog, I've gotten all kinds of mail and neat gifts from some wonderfully nice and beautiful women in Canada. And to be fair, I've gotten some great fun stuff from swell folks here in the USA too. I always wanted a pen pal from a far away place when I was a kid and now that I have a blog I've got a ton of them.

Different good or different bad?

The people of Nova Scotia asked me to remind you that Nova Scotia is part of North America too.

Turn that frown upside down!

Hey lil Susie, why are you crying honey? Is it because your Congressman betrayed you in not over turning Our Child Hater in Chief's veto of the expansion of the SCHIP bill? Or is it because while you can't have the health care you deserve the big multi national corporations get more and more tax breaks?

Hey lil Amanda, dry those tears sugar booger because one day you will get some health insurance. When? Why when you join the US military and you go off to create more terrorists in the warwithoutendAmen in the Middle East! You get the best battlefield medical care that Uncle Sam has to offer. So just make sure you keep your little body healthy and strong because we're gonna need you to go fight the freedom hatin' Muslims soon.

***************

Or, your mommy and daddy could move your whole family to Canada where they have single payer not for profit health care for all. And Barbara and her family live there too. And so does this nice lady:
You kids stop that crying right this second while I give this nice lady a nice long long long hug. Shush it now, I mean it. Mmmmmmmmm, the nice Canadian lady smells nice, all girly and maple syrupy. Mmmmmmm.

My interview with a Zombie

I recently interviewed Barb over at Bad Tempered Zombie, the name is a misnomer though because she is as nice as the day is long in Alberta in the summer time, and because I like chatting up pretty Canadian women I offered to let her turn the tables and interview me. She sent me such great questions I had to think about them for a day or two. Now, after mulling over her queries I am ready to answer her questions.

Yo, Barb, look me in the eye and ask me that, will ya?

The home of Barbara the Bad Tempered Zombie.

I love Barb and her country too.

1. You are a superhero. What is your name and what are your special powers? Bonus points for a description of your costume.

I'll get no bonus points for this but here is the first photo my blog bud Dr. Zaius, he's also the ape who got me hooked on blogging, photoshopped for me. It was for a post about my card playing days on Yahoo when I played under the moniker of Soviet_Superhero.

Now though, if I had to choose I'd be The Foker, pronounced "Faux-ker." My powers would be flight powered by my bad gas, hence the "F", and I would fight people using my sense of humor, hence the "oker." I'd be a Marvel superhero of course, because all of DC's superheroes suck since they are so hard to kill and so one dimensional. Since I'd be in the Marvel universe the first thing I would do is to make She Hulk my mortal enemy. Why would I do that you may ask? Well, for one thing look at her. Holy shit is she hot or what? It'd be so much fun to wrestle around with her big green self. I think I may have revealed a bit too much about me with my answer to this question, so let's move on.2. I'd love to eat my way around the world. What are the regional delicacies I could sample in your area?

Fried green tomatoes. Yep, it's a real food and not just a chick flick. They taste surprisingly good when fixed correctly. I recently had, though you better not tell my cardiologist, a deep fried green tomato sandwich at a great new restaurant near Asheville, NC, called the Northstar Cafe.

Pinto beans and corn bread. Man oh man I'm getting gas just looking at those beans but they taste soooooooo good. Where I went to high school they'd fix a big pot of beans every day for lunch and if you didn't want the regular lunch you could have the beans and cornbread, but most of us future fatties had them in addition to our lunch.
Best of all, banana pudding. It's made of layers of vanilla pudding, the cooked variety is the best but in a pinch you can use instant pudding, 'Nilla Wafers, and bananas. Some people top it with Cool Whip, but I prefer mine like it shows in the picture.
3. Would you rather listen to the Macarena 24/7 for the rest of your life or stick a needle in your eye just once?

As much as I love novelty one hit wonders, I'd have to take the needle. There's a chance I would not go blind and if done right it may not even hurt. On the other hand listening to that song 24/7 would drive me to murder.

4. You are having a dinner party and need to invite one entertainer, one author, and one politician. Who do you invite and why?

Ms. Monroe. She is possibly the most beautiful female entertainer ever and I think she'd be a great dinner guest, think of all the stories she could tell. And I'd love to ask her about Joe DiMaggio and Aurthur Miller.

Homer. This old Greek bastard wrote one of the greatest adventures of all time, The Odyssey. I think it'd be a hoot to see his reaction to our modern world and I'd pop in a DVD of the miniseries they made of his book a few years back just so he could marvel at Gretta Scaachi.

FDR. Our country's second greatest President, come on people Lincoln was first even though he was a damn Republican, but my personal favorite President. He dug us out of the Depression by reaching out and helping all people, not just his rich society buddies. He genuinely cared about all Americans and the rest of the world too. Yes, he had his flaws but his record in office was amazing. And he's the only man to ever be elected 4 times to the Presidency.

5. Describe the best and the worst vacations you have ever taken.

The best vacation I ever took was when the gf and I went to Rehobeth Beach, Delaware one summer. When I told people where we were going they be all like, "Does Delaware have a beach?" We went over the 4th of July week and it was crowded as hell but we'd pack the car with our beach chairs and stuff and drive three miles to a state park beach and there would be plenty of room. I also had one of the best meals out ever in Rehobeth Beach, I forgot the name of the place but it was a Mexican restaurant on the main drag in Rehobeth and everything they served was so good that you wanted to go back and offer to have sex with the chef as a way to thank him or her.

In a side note after I booked our place for the week I found out it was a big gay and lesbian beach destination. Everyday at the state park beach the lesbians would sit on one side of the jetty and the gay guys on the other. My gf and I sat on the lesbian side so I felt like I was an honorary lesbian for a week.

I may write about the worst vacation some other time since I already brought everyone down earlier this week in my post about my sister Linda.

Thanks for the great questions Barb, you rock. I say feck Gordon Lightfoot, you're the greatest living Canadian in my book you Zombie you. However Naomi Klein is right behind you.

If any of you want to be interviewed let me know in the comments.

Babetronic

I know most of you smart and wonderful people who read me also read Barbara's blog but for those of you who don't, you can go read my interview with the Canadian cutie, the Calagary charmer, the adorable Albertan here. And since I am nothing if not fair I consented to be interviewed by her so look for that tomorrow or the next day here on my blog o' terror.

Canadians I love

I caught part of Democracy Now! last night on the radio and the wonderful Amy Goodman was playing a recording of the incredible Naomi Klein speaking about her new book and I got to thinking about all the Canadians I love. Here is a partial list of those folks to the north that rock my world and who I totally love.

1) Barbara from Bad Tempered Zombie.
2) Activist and all around genius Naomi Klein.That's Naomi's new book, it comes out in September. If you haven't read her last one, No Logo, then you're missing out on one of the best books about the ill effects of multi national corporations on our world today.


3) Singer/songwriter Gordon Lightfoot. I know Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald is supposed to be one of the cheesiest songs ever but I love it. I also love Sundown and many other of his great songs.
4) Film maker Deepa Metha.
5) Former Chicago Cubs pitcher Ferguson Jenkins. I'm not a huge Cubs fan but I always thought Fergie was a class act who could hurl that ball like no other.6) Laura Secord. If it's hadn't been for Ms. Secord there might not be a Canada today.
7) Edgy filmmaker David Cronenberg. He directed Videodrome, The History of Violence, and many others.
8) Naomi Klein. I love her so much I had to put her in here twice.
9) Filmmaker Atom Egoyan. The man and his movies rock.
10) The late Margaret Trudeau. She was the coolest sexiest wife of a national leader ever, except for maybe Jackie O and Elizabeth Kucinich.
11) Whoever invented poutine. It's nearly the perfect food as far as I can tell. It's fries with gravy and cheese and whatever else you want to toss on it. Mmmmmm.

Now lets close with the best national anthem in North America, O Canada:

O Canada!

Our home and native land!

True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,

The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

If the rest of you Canadians shape up and start to do right then you might find yourself getting some monkey love from me one day.