Hey, what's up America? Ya'll caught me havin' a snack! Heh, heh, heh, since I don't have me a chef no more I got to eat when and where I can, so ya'll excuse me while I finish up this here snacky thingy. Mmmmm, nom, nom, nom, this is so good! I wish ya'll could have a bite so ya'll could see how good it is. But ya can't, so there. And now I just ate it all up, so you'd be out of luck if ya'll was here, which you ain't any way, so there you go. Some of ya'll be wonderin' what I been up to since I got let out of office. Well, I ain't got no secrets any more so I'll tell ya exactly what ol' 43 has been up to lately.
I been spending quality time with the twins. Well, to be honest I been spending more time with Jenna rather than her sister. Me and Jenna like the same kinds of drinks and Jenna ain't developed Cyclops eye like her sister Not Jenna done went and did. I still love Not Jenna and all but dang her only having one eye in the middle of her face kind of freaks me out. 
I'm enjoying my time with ol' Laura now as well. She's a lot more mellow for some reason since I left office, which is cool. 
I seen my folks a few times since we left DC but it's been kind of weird. Daddy 41 thinks I'm momma and he keeps on hittin' on me. I think he's going senile or something. Speaking of 'or something' I been having bad dreams since I left office. I been dreaming about little brown kids crying and stuff. 
In my dreams they scream and cry 
and some of them is all red in the body in addition to bein' all brown skinned. Some of the kids is missin' arms and legs and heads and have holes in them and they chase after me in my dreams. Laura got worried, well when I say 'worried' I mean she got pissed off at me for waking her up at night with my crying from all the bad dreams and all and she got me an appointment to see a head shrinker.
His name is Dr. Schadenfreude but I just call him Mike 'cuz I like the name, it's all manly and shit. Anyway, I been talking with Mike about my dreams and he says they is the least of my worries. He says I got illusions of grandeur and that I ain't got a gripe on reality. He's right about that last thing, I got no gripes against reality. I love reality, especially reality TV. Me and Jenna watch all them shows like American Idol, Survivor, America's Next Top Food Chef, I Was A Teenage Breast Feeder, Rural Gang Rape Follies, The Adventures of Kiko the Wonder Pony, and our new favorite
Anyways, since we moved from our place in Crawford, which I got to tell you I was happy as a pig in shit to get away from 'cuz damn,
clearing brush gets old after awhile. Same thing with getting my ass bawled out by Cheney and givin' Condi a bikini wax. So what do I do with all that time I got from not clearing brush? Well, ya'll ain't gonna believe it but I done went and learned how to knit and crochet. My specialty is making saucy 1970's style berets for the ladies. I make a bunch of 'em and I been sellin' 'em at the local flea market.
As ya'll can see, the chicks dig 'em. That's all I got time to tell ya'll about now, I got to run. I'm late fer an appointment with Mike. I got to tell him about this dream I had last night where Laura was pulling my teeth out with a pair of rusty pliers while my momma stood beside her and called me a little girl 'cuz I was crying while my teeth was getting pulled. See ya'll later America, 9/11!
