What's new at Franklin Woods Community Hospital?

Hello!  It's Alan Levine here.  You remember me don't you?  I'm the new CEO of Mountain States Health Alliance and I'm here to tell you about all the new things going on at one of our hospitals, Franklin Woods.  We're bursting with pride over the great stuff that we've got going on, and we want to share it all with you, our future patients.

First up, we've put up signs in every room so folks know what goes on there.  So there'll be no more walking in on an operation in progress or opening a door to a closet and seeing an orderly getting fingerbanged by an x-ray technician.

Our second big announcement is that we hired a negro.  And we let him touch white women as long as they are clothed.

We bought some more of these tube-y thingies. I'm not sure what they're for or why we have to have them, but we sure as heck have them!

Due to popular demand we're bringing back 'Surprise injection Saturday.'  When you least expect it on a Saturday all patients and some visitors will get injected with either a new unapproved medication or something that's recently expired.

 Nurses are now allowed to wear silly looking hats on any day of the week they want.  Silly hats aren't just for casual Fridays any more.

We've invested in a fleet of state of the art wheelchairs.  Doesn't that chair look comfy?  I could take a nap in that thing!

And last but not least, we're once again the only hospital in the USA certified to treat witchcraft!  That's right, if your loved one is suffering with witchiness, bring 'em on in and we'll dunk 'em, exorcise 'em, and burn the witchcraft out of them.  Praise Jesus!

So, with all those great things going on, why would you go anywhere else?  Seriously, suck it Wellmont, Franklin Woods rules!

And now here's a message from new Mountain States Health Alliance CEO Alan Levine

Hello Johnson City!  Hello Mountain States Health Alliance employees!  I'm Alan Levine the new CEO of Mountain States.  I'm real excited to be your new boss and I'm real proud of my track record at all the other places I worked at before, places such as Piney Knob Trailer Park, Tallahassee Animal Hospital, 7-11, and Jeb Bush's Mowing and Landscaping.  I'm looking forward to taking over up there in Johnson City and my first priority is gonna be hiring new workers to replace all the staff what quit or went to work for other hospitals in the past year.

I'm serious about bringing in only the best qualified people.  So if you are reading this and need a job and can answer yes to any of the following questions, then you need to give me a call ASAP.  Ready? Good.

• Have you been recently released from prison, jail, or a competing hospital's psych ward?
• Can you tie your own shoes?
• Do you know your way around Johnson City?
• Can you find a way to blame patients for every problem in our hospitals?
• Do you have any easily communicable diseases?
• Can you take blood pressure and tell people that the doctor will be 'right with them'?
• Have you had any specialized veterinary training?
• Does this look infected to you?
• How many times have you seen Deliverance?
• Have any idea what an iPod is?
• Is it safe to leave shellfish in the back seat of my '75 Gremlin over the weekend?
• Do you speak Pig Latin or any other foreign languages?
• Ever been to a cockfight?

I'm serious y'all, we need some employees who can help us turn a big profit in the age of Obamacare.  Our black market organ business isn't going to last forever.  And I'm sure the feds won't turn a blind eye to our moonshine making business at Franklin Woods for much longer.  So we need employees who think outside of the box and who can help us make more money.  

If you hear of any, give my name and tell them I'll give them a call or I'll hit 'em up on that Twitbook.  Okay, thanks for listening, I gotta finish packing and shit.  I'll see y'all in a few months.  Go Vols!