Tuesday, August 20, 2013

And now here's a message from new Mountain States Health Alliance CEO Alan Levine

Hello Johnson City!  Hello Mountain States Health Alliance employees!  I'm Alan Levine the new CEO of Mountain States.  I'm real excited to be your new boss and I'm real proud of my track record at all the other places I worked at before, places such as Piney Knob Trailer Park, Tallahassee Animal Hospital, 7-11, and Jeb Bush's Mowing and Landscaping.  I'm looking forward to taking over up there in Johnson City and my first priority is gonna be hiring new workers to replace all the staff what quit or went to work for other hospitals in the past year.

I'm serious about bringing in only the best qualified people.  So if you are reading this and need a job and can answer yes to any of the following questions, then you need to give me a call ASAP.  Ready? Good.
  • Have you been recently released from prison, jail, or a competing hospital's psych ward?
  • Can you tie your own shoes?
  • Do you know your way around Johnson City?
  • Can you find a way to blame patients for every problem in our hospitals?
  • Do you have any easily communicable diseases?
  • Can you take blood pressure and tell people that the doctor will be 'right with them'?
  • Have you had any specialized veterinary training?
  • Does this look infected to you?
  • How many times have you seen Deliverance?
  • Have any idea what an iPod is?
  • Is it safe to leave shellfish in the back seat of my '75 Gremlin over the weekend?
  • Do you speak Pig Latin or any other foreign languages?
  • Ever been to a cockfight?
I'm serious y'all, we need some employees who can help us turn a big profit in the age of Obamacare.  Our black market organ business isn't going to last forever.  And I'm sure the feds won't turn a blind eye to our moonshine making business at Franklin Woods for much longer.  So we need employees who think outside of the box and who can help us make more money.  

If you hear of any, give my name and tell them I'll give them a call or I'll hit 'em up on that Twitbook.  Okay, thanks for listening, I gotta finish packing and shit.  I'll see y'all in a few months.  Go Vols!

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