Greetings fellow Americans. I'm Percy Grant Catwhiskers and I not only went to college and studied to be a doctor, I helped write the replacement for Obamacare. It's not important that I got asked to leave the liberal medical school I was attending, but it is important for you to know that I was never convicted of anything and I don't know how my semen got into those cadavers and that lying ass Mexican bitch's vagina.
Anyway, after I left that high-falutin hoity toity liberal medical school, I was home schooled with Rand Paul, so I'm pretty smart about health care and limited government. And now I want to tell you about some of the features of the law that's going to replace Obamacare.
Prevention figures heavily in our plan, so you'll need to be in shape in order to out run sick people who might have communicable illnesses. Also, be sure to stay in shape enough to outrun people who are being chased by bears, the IRS, girls with cooties, the working poor, Jews, and black people.
You can stay healthy by drinking one to four glasses of baby juice a day in addition to however much Soylent Green you're eating. And remember, drink real 100% baby jiuce, not that baby juice cocktail shit, it's full of sugar, additives, and pancreatic cancers.
Often we can fool our bodies in to warding off sickness. So if you feel a cold, flu, pneumonia, empathy for others, same sex sexual attraction, or phlebitis coming on, then roll up your sleeves and exercise. We suggest lifting heavy objects over and over again, but make sure you lift with your back and not your knees.
Make sure you stay clean because only dirty people who displease Jesus get sick, it's a known fact.
If you have an income of over $150,000, you can see the doctor of your choice. If you make less, well, get off that lazy ass of yours and maybe one day you'll make over $150,000 and you'll be able to afford to go to the doctor of your choice.
Eat right, and by 'right' we mean eat what ever highly processed vitamin enriched foods that corporate America have thoughtfully and cost effectively prepared for you. Seriously, just shut up about organic food and eat the crap the people who contribute to our political action committees make.
Proper oral health is key to staying healthy. Always brush after every meal, before you go to bed, and after every blowjob you're forced to give to your youth minister at your church.
Finally, why not treat your own injuries yourself? After all you know your body better than some fancy doctor who went to a liberal med school does. And you know it better than some Washington DC egghead bureaucrat does. So go ahead, and bind up your own wounds, operate on yourself, and if you have to, seek out help from others via the internet, not all of them are liars or people pretending to be doctors or hot teenage girls who are really into sexy times with older men. Alternative medicine is just as valid as alternative facts, so don't hold back, stop being a little bitch and fix your own god damn self.