Hi there all you teens! Twenty three skidoo and all that, wait do the kids still say that kind of stuff? Oh well, who cares, cool slang is timeless. I want to talk to you kids about a subject that is dear to my heart, getting me and Bill back in the White House.
Yes, I'm a little older than I was the last time I ran but so what? I'm not the cool older sister anymore and I can dig it, I'm more like your groovy aunt who let's you talk on the phone with your friends past your usual curfew.
But anyhoo, let's get back to me for a change. The time is right for you to help get me back the power I had in the 1990's. Many of you won't remember me from back then but trust me, I was awesome. And I'll be awesome again and you can tell your friends that on your way to school, the milkshake shop, or to church.
Tell them how hip and on fleek I'll be for the issues that you care about. Issues like getting your parents to lighten up on you, helping get you more student loans, ending the war in Afghanistan before I start another one in Iran and on the West Bank, and many more. But just trust me, your super cool hip auntie. I promise I'll rock the vote and hook you up with some gay marriage or legal medical marijuana or whatever it is you want.
Oh, and don't pay any attention to that Bernie Sanders guy. He's a big liar who can't get you free college or free anything. In fact, he's going to get you killed because he's got no plan on how to deal with the packs of roving rabid dogs that plague our cities and towns.
Just to recap, vote for me, help get me elected, you get free stuff, and Bernie Sanders wants to kill you and sodomize your corpse.