Fart in a bag and make a random boy person breathe it in. If he likes it, he's gay. Measure and record the amount of time he tries to have homogay sex with you and or he cries that he's being oppressed when you force Jesus into his heart.
Give an ax to a liberal kid from a big city and tell him to chop some wood using his bare foot as a brace. When and if he cuts off his foot and he starts bleeding profusely see how long it takes him to pass out after you tell him that the brilliant Republican governor of your state or commonwealth won't allow Obamacare where you live.
Find different flammable objects and see how many will allow you to successfully burn down Unitarian churches, swinger clubs, and abortion clinics.
Get your parents handguns and make liberal kids step on nails. See how long it takes them to develop agonizing diseases such as tetanus, lock jaw, and gangrene. Or just shoot them and tell the libtard media you were just exercising your second amendment freedom.
Nail a horseshoe into a young tree. Years later when the tree has grown pretend to find it and show an evolution believing adult. Ask him if he thinks the tree evolved that way. If he says it did, then shout, "You're a fucking idiot, evolution is a lie from the pit of Satan's anus!" at him. Then get an attorney to sue him for infringing on your religious freedom.
When you get your eyes tested, tell the kindly lady who is administering the test that all you want to see is her boobs. Measure how long it takes her to show her tits to you or how long it takes her to slap you and call you a little sexist pig. Then when you have your data, go on Fox News and tell the world how the feminists are ruining your eye sight.
At night remove all the food from your house except for sugary cereal. When you say your prayers make sure that your parents hear you pray that they'll let you have sugary cereal for breakfast. The next morning run down stairs and show them God has answered your prayers. If they don't believe you, tell child protective services, tell them your parents are gay Communist atheists who aren't fit to raise children and that you want them locked up in a cell in Gitmo right away before they take your High Fructose Corn Syrup infused cereal away from you.
Get a group of Negro children from an inner city school and demand they take the same science tests that are given to you in your private school. If they don't score as well as or better than you did, demand the teachers who are sucking at the public teat and not teaching the Negroes goodly enough be fired. When the libtard media tries to tell you that your experiment is faulty and perhaps racist, make them drink some of your urine until they admit they are the faulty racist ones.
Get some rocks. Throw them at kids who believe in evolution, if they don't evolve mechanisms to defend themselves against the rocks being thrown at them, tell them that evolution is a lie and that Jesus hates lies, liars, and gays.