Hello, I'm Basil Boddy, concerned citizen and dog owner. I'm here to tell you all about how gay marriage has affected people here in the tar heel state.
The day gay marriage became legal here Presbyterian minister Levon Graham married a cabbage and then he ate it. He's now in prison for killing and eating his spouse.
Women are 33 percent more sassier than they were before the gay could get married. They know they don't have to be nice to men now that they can get married to their girlfriends. And it's now a hate crime to remind them that they can only have babies with men.
Children are performing marriage ceremonies for their dolls. And they're refusing to be spanked.
We've had an influx of people wearing puffy vests and hairy boots who drive Land Rovers and want to eat in fine dining restaurants in to our state.
Cats and other animals are now demanding that they be given nicer places to take a dump and to fornicate with each other.
Straight couples are refusing to get married now because marriage is too gay for them. They're choosing to live in sin and in places like South Carolina.
Asian prostitutes are more uppity and I hear they're charging top dollar for anal sex.
So, as you can see it's been fucking great! Why did we ever wait so long to do all this stuff? North Carolina has never been this much fun!