Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Southern Baptist Guide to Eradicating Workplace Gayness

If you suspect a co-worker of being gay you must first pray for him or her and if that doesn't work, you haven't prayed hard enough, so pray some more.  If it doesn't work after a week of praying, then you must check his or her mouth for Satan.  Take their face in your hand and probe inside their mouth for evidence of the Dark One's presence. They will scream, squirm, and claim your're assaulting them, but tell them in a loud voice so they and everyone else can hear, "I am doing this because I love you and I want you to come to Jesus Christ."  You can do anything you like as long as you say you're doing it out of love and concern for their mortal soul.

If you see Lucifer in their mouth, then clamp yours down on theirs and suck him out of that oral cavity.  Use your tongue to root the devil out of that gay mouth.  Do it.  They will thank you later.

If your previously gay co-worker faints after you sucked The Blighted One, aka the gayness, out of them, then you must administer first aid.  It's your Christian duty.  First drag them off to a secluded area where no unbelievers, females, underage tots, atheists, Communists, or Methodists can see what you're about to do.

You must strip off their shirt and begin massaging them, use scented oils if you have to, God loves it when we anoint people with oil.

After the massage, give them a tattoo in the shape of your hands which will be a forever reminder of the love you showed for them when you eradicated the gay from them.

Once you finished the tattoo, drive to their home and if they have any children spank the gay out of them.  Don't let anyone stop you.  Remember, Jesus doesn't recognize gay marriage so if they have a gay partner who they are warping children with, you must eradicate the gay from them after you have spanked the gay from all children in the house.  

If your co-worker lapses back into the gay lifestyle after you've helped them, then the only loving thing you can do for them is to burn their house down.  
Try to make sure no one is in it when you set it ablaze for Jesus.  

And remember, do all this in the name of Jesus because we've prayed about it, and we're pretty sure Jesus is okay with it.  And he's also okay with you fucking your hot secretary or a cheerleader from time to time, hell, you're only human after all.


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