"I need it to shoot those sexy little boys who might go and tattle on me."
"I need mine to stop Obamacare in it's tracks. No one is getting socialized medicine at my hospital. I'll stop it with a second amendment remedy if I have to."
"I don't need any guns as long as I have poutine, back bacon, and a hockey puck. But I'll take one anyway, just to protect myself from those god damn stupid gun loving Americans."
"I need my gun because I never know when I'll see a target that needs shooting. And because everybody in America is packing heat."
"Jesus. The answer to this question, and to any other question for that matter, is Jesus."
"American capitalists will soon run out of workers to shoot. I need a gun for when they come over here and start shooting at us and trying to take my borscht burger. All hail Comrade Putin!"
"I need mine to compensate for my tiny penis and because I fear black folks, gay dudes who might try to turn me gay, atheists, women, Gypsies, and anybody else who isn't a white guy with cheesy facial hair."
"I need my gun because it makes me feel safe despite the fact that if I didn't have it no one could get shot with it. And why do you want to know anyways? You some kind of gun hating liberal who wants to take our guns and force us to get gay married to Mexicans? Because I won't stand for that shit...wait...hang on...can I choose the Mexican guy I have to gay marry? Because if I can, then I'm totally cool with you having my gun if I can marry a hot dude, but don't tell my wife I said that shit okay? Fuck man, I'm hammered. I been drinking since noon yesterday and I just smoked some reefer cigarettes that had been soaked in Oxycontin."
"We don't call them guns, we call them spirit shooters! And we need them to shoot unpopular people at pep rallies."