Monday, February 24, 2014

The Monkey Muck Guide to Caring for Your Baby

Always choose babies that have a good head to body ratio and that weigh less than 10 pounds.  Fatter babies will eat you out of house and home and large headed babies may be evil geniuses in their infancy.

 Yes, it's fun to poke babies in the eye but their tender eye sockets may not be able to take too much of it, so keep those pokes to a minimum, unless their reaction to being poked is really funny.

Be careful about what liquids you squeeze into a baby's rectum.  Orange juice, for example may be a bit too acidic, so stick with things like maple syrup or chocolate sauce.

Some babies can and will attack you.  Be on your guard and don't be afraid to bite them to make them stop their bloodthirsty attacks if you have to.
Babies can and will give the 'evil eye' that will cause your crops to wither and die or your mule to develop a gimpy leg.  It's best to keep babies blindfolded until they begin walking.

 Babies are huge fans of flavored milk, so be sure to eat lots of foods with strong flavors.

Delinquent children make great baby sitters, as do troubled loners, disaffected drifters, and diseased carnies.  Avoid teenage girls due to their high cootie infestation, same thing with those with degrees in English and Christian studies.
Babies can and will nibble on themselves.  They may even eat a whole appendage before you can stop them.  Don't worry though, they'll grow those appendages back, just like they do when they lose their baby teeth.

1 comment:

intelliwench said...

These tips come 23 years too late for me, but I will pass them on for future generations.