"I got drunk and fucked a tree stump, so what?"
"Communists make the tastiest snacks. And I know that because I roasted one and made tapas out of him."
"I'd go to church more often if I sobered up in time. And if I wasn't a stone cold atheist."
"Sex tours to Thailand ate up all the profit I made last year, but boy was it fun."
"Middlesboro, KY isn't hell on earth, but it's close."
"My beard is made from the shaved pubes of homeless men that I murdered."
"Someone tell me again what I'm famous for and this time make it something interesting like brain surgeon or trapeze artist."
"If a negro can fart the melody to The Star Spangled Banner, I'll pay him a million dollars and I'll eat my straw boater."
"If you were a stock on the stock exchange, I'd buy you and hold you."
"I'm not interested in openings where I can't stick my penis."
"I want to be known as the father of orgasmic gardening."
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