Thursday, September 8, 2011

And now, here's a very special guest post by a disciple of Dr. Keith Ablow

Hello interwebs world, I'm Veranda Shellac and I've been seeing Dr. Keith Ablow on a professional basis for years now. He's like my life coach, so I know him pretty darn well. Liberals, gays, and other smarty pants persons are going after the good doctor for comments he made about that he/she daughter of Sonny Bono. Dr. K, as I call him, said parents shouldn't let their kids watch that he/she on Dancing with The Degenerates on ABC. The thing is interwebs people, Dr. K is correct. And you know what, here's some other things that Dr. K says parents shouldn't let their children do:

  • Mate with one another, unless you live in eastern Kentucky or most of West Virginia.
  • Get chainsaw enemas.
  • Play with fire.
  • Attend college level classes on evolutionary theory.
  • Question anyone who is older than them.
  • Challenge authority.
  • Shave their privates.
  • Wax nostalgic or their shaved privates.
  • Write snarky blog posts about what Dr. Keith Ablow thinks.
  • Compare Dr. Ablow's looks to those of Lex Luthor or that hunky Mr. Clean.
  • Use any web browser other than Firefox 2.0.
  • Indulge in satisfying the cat with a dart when the poor thing is in heat and needing 'it' bad.
  • Drinking shoe polish.
  • Poking Negroes or Tex-Mexicans with sharp sticks.
  • Offer spoiled shellfish for sale.
See internet people? All the stuff on his list is common sense stuff. Stuff any parent knows not to let their kids do anyway. So calm the heck down and watch Dancing with The Soon to Be Has Beens on ABC, just turn the channel when Miss/Mr. Bono comes on and then your kids won't know anything about sex changes, plastic penises, lesbian love making, or fat people. And just to be on the safe side, I'd ask that you turn the channel when that Nancy Grace woman comes on the TV screen, because if your kids see her then they'll think that any old self aggrandizing self important bitch without a shred of decency or morals can be on TV. Honestly, who does that Nancy Grace woman think she is anyway? Dick Cheney?

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