Thursday, December 9, 2010

'Mommy and Daddy Are Divorced' (Remixed Dr. Monkey style)

Additional text by me, Dr. Monkey.

Not too long ago mommy and daddy were arguing all the time. Daddy said mommy was drinking enough bourbon to float a battleship. And mommy said that perhaps she wouldn't drink so much if she hadn't caught daddy going balls deep in his secretary those four times.

However, I'm pretty sure that daddy slept around because mommy had lousy fashion sense, heck fire, just look at her awful hair cut and that hideous necklace she's got on. And I think mommy drinks so much because I wet the bed and don't do so well in school.

So one day mommy and daddy decided to get a divorce. Which meant that they wouldn't live together anymore and that I'd have to split my time between them. And at first that made me sad.
So I milked it for all it was worth. I made mommy feel guilty and she bought me all kinds of cool toys to get over her guilt and I made daddy feel so guilty about abandoning us for his secretary that he went out and bought me some kick ass clothes.

Who among you does not dig those striped overalls I'm wearing? And you can't see it in that picture but I'm totally wearing crotchless Underoos, the kind I know Father O'Malley at our local Roman Catholic church likes his favorite altar boys to wear.

Anyhoo, mommy began to smoke pot after daddy left and her new vice opened up a new hobby for her, she began making ceramic bongs which she sold to tourists and to backsliding Baptists. She didn't tell daddy about her new source of income and I also kept my mouth shut about it after she agreed to split the profits 50/50 with me.

A few of our neighbors began to suspect things might be up at mommy's house what with all the cars coming and going at all hours of the day and night, so I took to hosing them down when I caught them snooping.

And sometimes they'd catch me and beat the snot out of me...the dirty snooping bastards.


After a while I got sick of mommy double dating Jack Daniels and George Dickel all the time and I got sick of her increasingly threatening looking pot supplier boyfriends so I ran away to live with daddy and his secretary who was now his new wife. Things there weren't great because daddy was still a cad who slept around. But even with that I wanted to be just like him.

So when his secretary wife called him a pussy hound, I became one too.
She was not amused by my joke.

So one day when she was at work with daddy I burnt their house down. Sure, I got into all kinds of trouble and I got sent off to juvenile prison and I have to go to psychotherapy most every day to deal with my parental issues, but in the long run I came out way ahead because I got shed of two crazy parents, a controlling step mother, and best of all
I got to keep my sweet striped overalls.

So guess what motherfuckers? I win,
I totally win.

5 comments:

lahru said...

You sir are one twisted individual.

Wings said...

Definitely closer to the truth, right?

Dr. MVM said...

I'll take your comment as a compliment lahru.

gmb said...

Oh, Dr. Monkey, could Iahru's comment be taken any other way? Of course not. In a word: fabulous.

Estancia De La Ding Dong said...

This was totally fucking awesome !

I love to see creativity running rampant.