Tuesday, December 28, 2010

End of the year confessions

The things I need to get off my chest before I start 2011 are as follows:

  • I like the Femen movement for all the wrong reasons.
  • I cut that fart in the library that day, it wasn't that kid in the wheel chair that I blamed it on.
  • I dared Julian Assange to leak all that stuff.
  • I have yet to refudiate anything.
  • I didn't finish the Dickens novel I said I was going to finish.
  • I'm still very lukewarm on Terry Pratchett.
  • I still hold out hope that I'll hit the mega Mega Millions jackpot before the end of the year.
  • If you still had a Bush/Cheney bumpersticker on your car I flipped you a bird.
  • I ate the last of that thing we got at that place. I didn't feel good about doing it, but I did it anyway.
  • I passed off one of your Tweets as mine.
  • I was less than fresh a while back.
  • I mortally wounded a man in Reno just to watch him die.
  • I pissed on Lucille Ball's grave.
  • I started that rumor about Margaret Trudeau.
  • I made Tiger Woods my bitch.
  • I shared my explosive diarrhea in several public restrooms on more than one occasion.
  • I made naughty anagrams out of your name.
  • I didn't mean for those nude pictures I drew of you to be such a hit in Estonia and Latvia, it just turned out that way.
  • I should never be in the same room at the same time with a pencil and a cat in heat. I'm just saying.
Whew, I feel a whole lot better now that I got all that off my chest.


Kal said...

I hate to say this because I like you but you are going to hell for that fart blame.

Same way I am going to hell for telling a kid to stop barking in class on day one of the new school year when I was teaching. She had Torettes and that was her tick.

All I accomplished was making her more stressed which brought out more barking that period. It was a nightmare. I made it up to her everyday after that by taking special care of her and she really improved but, wow, that first day was unforgettable.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I knew it was you the whole time! I still get my hush money now that it's public knowledge though, right?

Snad said...

Which rumor about Margaret Trudeau? There are so many, you know.

Anonymous said...

Puddles tells me that Lucy used to hand out full size Hershey chocolate bars at Halloween, or at least her butler did. I won't tell him about the grave thing.

Freida Bee said...

But, there are so many things you didn't do this past year. If you were an annoying glass half-fuller, you'd be able to look at it that way.

I'm glad you're not.

Kal said...

I wonder if you ever saw this image. Immediately thought of you.


dguzman said...

There's gonna be a quiz on that Dickens novel, you know.

Dr. MVM said...

Brilliant link Kal. Thanks for sending it.