Monday, June 7, 2010

Here's a very special guest post by Rev. Bocephus Peterson

Greetings Christians and those who haven't accepted Jesus yet and who are subsequently going to hell. I hope you're all doing well, and when I say 'all,' I mean only the Christians. My God, the most awesome and only god out there, has instructed me to drop in here on this atheist blog to give you all a lesson about oil and it's place in our religious and daily lives.

First of all you may be asking:
Oil is the life giving substance that we all need to survive. It powers our cars which take us to church and whatever job you may have, so right there it's hugely important. We also use oils to cook, to lubricate, to eat, and to anoint once and future messiahs. Some say we'd be better off if we left oil alone, but of course those people would be Buddhists, Unitarians, liberal Presbyterians, or some other incorrect religion. God gave us that oil to use and if we don't use it then he'll be mad at us.

Science will tell you that it takes millions of years for oil to form and once again they would be wrong. Oil was formed a few thousand years ago. Jesus appeared to the dinosaurs and he revealed himself to be the son of God. He offered them salvation but they declined because their small brains could not understand the gift our savior was offering them. And this made Jesus angry so he smote them and they turned into light sweet crude, canola, and olive oils and all those oils were runny and they spread out over the entire earth.
After he turned the dinosaurs into oil Jesus calmed down and had a nap. While his son napped God made humans and the rest of the animals. He made them all intelligent so that when the time came they, we, could accept his son. When Jesus woke up he saw what his dad did and he decided that in order to find oil we would have to search for it in places where the people might not know about him. He did this so we could go to far off lands and spread the Gospels while we took the oil God made for us.

All this in your Bibles. All you have to do it to connect the dots and read between the lines.

So remember, when some atheist Communist anti oil Nazi tells you that we're supposed to protect the earth, you tell them that it's in the Bible that we're supposed to burn all the oil we can because God put it here for us to use. And he loves us more than he did the dinosaurs.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my local BP station to fill up, spill up, and to pray for more oil.


PENolan said...

Thank you, Doctor.
I have been wondering how so many people can make a hell of a living off fossil fuels without the existence of fossils.

Wings said...

Sadly, I am sure there is someone out there who would take this as fact.

Mnmom said...

I'm reading "The Family" right now. Barbara Ehrenreich's review is correct - don't read it alone in the dark.