Thursday, June 24, 2010

Forgotten After School Specials of the 1980's

Why Can't Marcy Read?
Marcy, a pretty but lazy student, spends all her time not reading and trying to look like her idol Brooke Shields. She pays her friends to read to her but soon she ends up broke and must turn to giving hand jobs at the Dairy Queen for five bucks a throw. Her right hand becomes so powerful that she takes up arm wrestling, but in the nick of time she discovers Jesus and he teaches her how to read and to save her hymen for marriage.

A Hat for AmandaAmanda spends all her time in high school not having sex or kissing boys, consequently she gets bored. As a result or her boredom she starts doing drugs and she nearly loses her virginity to a North Korean exchange student during a wild pot party. When she turns him down and thus protecting her hymen she is rewarded by a visit from Jesus who buys her a new hat after he takes her to the prom.

Girls Just Wanna Be Chaste
When Janet gets caught using spooge as a hair gel she's sent to Vidal Sassoon's Saskatoon Camp for Wayward Girls in where she learns that heavy petting can also refer to looking after overweight animals in cages. While in camp falls for a PETA double agent who buys her sweaters made from Alpaca fur after she spanks his monkey and allows him to pet her cat. Jesus makes a cameo as a folk singing drifter with a heart of gold who teaches all the kids to love themselves.

Rainbow: First Blood, If I could Keep Time in a Bartles & Jaymes Wine Cooler Bottle Every 28 Days
Rainbow Jones gets her first period and stares wistfully off into space while wearing all the accoutrement of the 1980's, head bands, leg warmers, fingerless gloves, a hooded sweat shirt style jacket, and skin tight sweat pants. She pops Midol and Pamprin to relieve her pain but she soon discovers that Jesus, a few bong hits, and half a case of wine coolers are the best pain relievers. After making her ground breaking discovery she dedicates her life to Jesus Ramirez, a baggy full of Mekong Mind Fuck, and peach flavored wine coolers.


Mnmom said...

Those shows gave me hope to seek Jesus and overcome my PMS

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I would have rushed home from school instead of hanging out at the pool hall if you had been writing the after school specials when I was young.

Ricky Shambles said...

Huh, never realized "Something About Mary" cum-in-hair was a post-modern reference. Small world.

I remember the one about the swimmer girl who got hooked on coke, as well as the one my grandmother taped on VHS and forced my sister to watch about anorexia. My sister's in jail now. And a little overweight. Thanks Grandma.

PENolan said...

Hey - where can I get some of that Mekong Mind Fuck?