Monday, May 24, 2010

Kid's book remix

Text by Dr. Monkey
Pictures by Whoever Took Them in the First Place

Looking for a career in a dying dead end field? Looking for low pay and high stress? Or do you just want to languish in career purgatory for many years before you die well before you should? If you answered yes to any of those questions then a career in a department store is for you!

Department stores are currently looking to fill the following jobs:
Mystery shopper and Customer Service Specialist.
The duties of a mystery shopper include going into stores under cover (that's Chin Man Dang in the photo above in his trademarked old lady disguise), buying shit you don't need, and rating the experience on a scale of 1 to OhmygodIwanttoslitmywristsbecausethisstoresuckssobad.

A customer service specialist haughtily rings up purchases, answers questions with a maximum of eye rolling, and evades responsibility at all costs. Ability to insult customers without them knowing it and a relentless 'Carol Brady' shag haircut are a definite plus.

Window Dresser.
The position of store window dresser is perfect for those who's artistic ability has been nearly crushed by the indifference of others. If you spent hours drawing, painting, sculpting, or graphically designing things that no one cared about or was openly mocked by a close friend or family member then this position is for you.

Store Fetishist.
If you can tell who was wearing shoes, lingerie, furry costumes, and aquatic equipment simply by using your sense of smell, taste, or touch then the job of store fetishist is a dream job for you. This job is important because the employees in question will help in determining if anyone gets a refund when they try to return worn merchandise. This is an excellent job opportunity for newly released from prison sex offenders looking to make an honest buck before they busted again.

Store Hooker.
Most people working in a department store are very stressed out and they could use a 'release' during their stress filled shifts. That's where the store hooker comes in. Those employees who want a blow job, a hand job, some fanny fun, or a quickie can utilize the services of the store hooker during any of their breaks in order to blow off some steam and relieve their stress. Ed Dracman, store hooker for a department store in Bendover Falls, SD, is seen here negotiating with a young lady with 'daddy' issues who is looking for a spanking and a severe scolding while on her lunch break.
Mop Master.
Brilliant mathematicians who long to keep floors clean are encouraged to apply for the position of mop master. This position is for those who like working second shift, cleaning scuff marks, and mumbling that they will whip Matt Damon's punk ass for ripping off their life story and turning it into Good Will Hunting.

Fork Lift Jockey.
Like to ride machines that don't go over 10 miles an hour? Like to go up and down on something that's not an elevator? Does doing swan dives in to concrete floors appeal to you? If so then go get your fucking head examined.

Store Repoman.
Sometimes mommy buys furniture just to piss daddy off after she finds out that daddy has banged his secretary and got her knocked up, sometimes daddy buys furniture after he's been drinking and huffing model airplane glue because you cry all the time and are a little Nancy boy who doesn't like to play football or to wrestle, and sometimes godless liberal hippies buy shit they know goddamn well they can't afford just so they can lay around on it and grind their hippie stink into the fabric. And most all of the time people like that stop making payments on their furniture and it has to be repossessed. That's what the store repoman does, they take back stuff deadbeats can't or won't pay for. Prior experience working as collectors for local bookies and organized crime families is preferred but not necessary.

Store Rob Corddry Impersonator
The kids love the comedy these days and they love balding comedians from Massachusetts most of all. So it's just good business practice to have a Rob Corddry impersonator on the store staff.

If any of those jobs look like they are for you then please get your ass to the mall and demand that JC Penny's hires you before they go belly up. If the softer side of Sears is calling your name then heed it's call. Not many are attracted to a career in retail, most people just fall into it like someone who falls into meth addiction or the anus of a family values Republican. But you can be different, you can be the exception that proves the rule, you can be marked down, put on sale, and rung up. You can be a retail king! Or queen!

Or not.

It's up to you.


Who you callin' housewife? said...

Mt artistic ability has been nearly crushed by the indifference of others. I've spent years designing things that no one cared about and was openly mocked by a close friend and family member then this position is for me.

I'm off to be a window dresser. Now if I could only find a window to dress. Most here are empty or covered with plywood.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I never knew until now how much I want my soul crushed by working in retail. I'm off to the mall!

Flannery Alden said...

I love those pictures! And how depressing to be given that book as a career path to explore.

beatgrl said...

Good one, Dr Monkey!

Whiskeymarie VonPartypants said...

I held at least 4 of those positions back in my retail days.
And, no.
No, I'm not telling you which ones, but I'm sure you can guess.