Today's modern hip happenin' Christians speak out on the world's problems

"We don't worry about global warming out here in God's country because we know he's up there and he'll take care of his own. We also don't worry about all the stuff that the local chemical plant pumps out into our river at night and when it gets foggy. And we don't worry about the rash of home invasion robberies either. In fact, there ain't much we worry about now that we got Jesus in our hearts."

"We do yoga in my church. It's totally cool. I focus on my breath, my body movements, and on protecting my privates from the minister's son."

"The other night I prayed and asked God to make everything in Haiti all better after the earthquake. Then the next day I saw on the news that he didn't do it, so I'm going to assume he wants Haiti to remain in shambles so that twenty bucks I was going to send to earthquake relief is going to buy me a lap dance and some Boone's Farm later."

"Jesus never had socialized medicine, so neither should we! 9/11! Freedom!"

"Why are you people still here? Go away. Can't you see I'm praying?"

"I was going to quit smoking, lay off of beating my kids, and stop poisoning all the dogs and cats in my neighborhood until I heard that gays want to get married. Now all bets are off because if God is okay with those people getting hitched, then he's okay with what I do. Praise his holy name and hand me a pack of Kools!"

"Okay, I'll admit it. I caused the earthquake in Chile. I wanted a day off from my job at the llama polishing factory so I sacrificed a Mormon missionary to Baal and in return I asked for a natural disaster of some sort. I'm sorry if you lost your house or some loved ones, I just really needed a day off."

"Hey look, I'm in color now! Thank you Jesus!"

"Can someone give me a lift to that animal stoning? I'm an old woman and I don't drive anymore but my arm is still good and I've been saving rocks in the hope that one day they would bring back stoning. Plus, I really hate whales. Dirty whale bastards, just you wait until I get my hands on you. I'll smote you without pity. Just like Jesus would!"