My new correspondent Misty McBlondy hits the streets to find out the real scoop

Hi every one! Misty McBlondy here for Monkey Muck News. I'm on the streets to get the pulse of the nation, to get the real story, and to find out what's making the USA tick. With so much going on, Swine flu, Justice Souter retiring, the wars of terror on Iraq and Afghanistan, the debate about gay marriage, and us having a black President, I've got a lot to cover! Or should I say uncover? First up, I spoke with a guy in the Navy about the never ending wars of terror:

"Frankly Miss, I could go to war any second and that scares the shit out of me. How about you and me go find a free alcove and we make the beast with two backs for a couple of hours?"

I've got a story to do for Dr. Monkey right now but your offer does sound enticing. Here's my phone number. Call me later sailor! Hey there's a negro! I need to go ask him something!

Excuse me sir, how do you feel about gay marriage?

"It's fine for gays."

Don't you feel it will undermine your marriage and make a mockery of all you hold dear?

"My marriage was undermined by my old lady cheating on me with my used to be best friend Pookie. I got a divorce and now I'm a play-a with a capital 'P.' But then I know you could tell that right off about me. Hey lady, how about you and me get busy in a bathroom at Burger King?"

Hmmmm, let me think about it...hey, is that a little girl in a cast down the street? I've got to ask her something. Call me later!

Hey little girl, you want me to sign that cast for you? Of course you do. I'm going to sign it, 'Here's hoping you don't die from swine flu before you get this cast off. Love Misty.' I dotted all my 'i's with little hearts. You like it?

My sister is deaf lady. She can't hear a thing. Hey, you want to take me around back and spank me? I've been a bad boy, if you know what I mean.

Hmmmm, that sounds like fun. I'll write my phone number on your sister's cast. Call me later and we'll have a little slap and tickle. Excuse me now, I've got to check in with Dr. Monkey.

Breaker, breaker Dr. Monkey. You got yer ears on? This is the Blonde Tornado calling.

Shit-can the CB lingo Misty. Just talk normally.

10-4 good buddy. What's your 10-20?

Misty get the hell off the radio and go get me some 'man on the street' interviews. I need blog fodder woman! And I need it bad, now scoot or you're fired!

10-4 boss man. Blonde Tornado out.

Excuse me sir, may I ask you a question?

Sure.

Who would you rather see retire? Justice David Souter or Miss California's fake boobs?

Is this a trick question? Because if it is then I'm just the man to answer it. See, I'm a magician. Want to see a magic trick? I'll make my boner disappear inside you after I get you drunk enough to forget your own name. Shall we try it?

I'm on duty right now. Here's my phone number...call me later. Hey look over there, it's a Republican!

Mr. Republican, how do you feel about our first black President? Do you want him to fail?

Of course not. As long as he keeps the same corporate loving policies that Bush, Clinton, and the rest of them had, I'm fine with him. Hey little lady, how about we go to penthouse so I can show you my etchings?

Sounds good but I'm due on air any second now. I've got to find a TV studio, but here, you take my phone number and call me later, ok? Gotta dash!

Good evening, this is Monkey Muck News. I'm Misty McBlondy and I just remembered that my phone has been disconnected...