Yo, Pele

Hey you living legend of soccer you. I've got some good news and I've got some bad news for you. First let me give you the good news.

They've found a huge oil deposit in your home country of Brazil.

So that means jobs and money. Lots and lots and lots of money. But you knew that right? Sure you did. You're a smart guy. And now you're smart enough and strong enough to hear the bad news. Ready? Okay then, here we go: The bad news is the USA is going to invade your country soon. Please Pele, don't take it personally, it's not like we really want to, but it is something we have to do. After all you people are sitting on top of our oil. That's right Pele, you heard me. You Brazilians are squatting on top of the oil Jesus gave to us.

Christ the Redeemer? Hell no Pele, with the discovery of all that oil down there that statue is being renamed "Christ the Pointer Outer Where All That Oil Is." Oh come on man, don't act all surprised, deep in your heart of hearts you knew that we'd have to take it sooner or later because that oil in Iraq isn't going to last forever you know. Tell ya what though dude, we'll make it a two fer. We'll invade Venezuela while we're at it and we'll just take all the oil from both your little banana republics.

It's not gonna be all that bad man. We'll install a puppet Reich wing government and let Blackwater protect them. Then we send in Halliburton to do what they do, and then after that we ship down more Wal-Marts and more evangelical missionaries to tell you how great life is under the thumb of multi national oil corporations.

We'll get Blackwater to herd all of you people into the slums of Rio and Sao Paulo and the oil execs, the disgraced televangelists, and the Republican party closet cases will move into all the nice places with their transsexual Samba dancing lovers.

It's all for the best Pele, believe me. We know what we're doing. We've done this before in Lebanon, Iraq, Iran, various countries in Central America, and many other places. We promise to leave you people alone when you are not toiling in our oil fields. And we'll even let some of you go to the beach. Expect all this to come down very very soon, after all we can't let you people get too comfortable with divvying up oil profits. Heaven forbid that you might actually use some of that money for social welfare programs or use it to improve schools, hospitals, and roads. So, tell me, how do you feel about all this news Pele?

You know what guy? Most days while that gang of thieves in the Bush junta are running things I feel like that too. Oh well, see ya in a few months!