The Evil Dictator Speaks

I submitted to the Evil Dictator's plea for interview subjects. He asked so nicely, how could I refuse? Moments after I agreed to do the interview I was taken away by his crack security staff.They took me to his secret lair.
It was a bit cramped inside his evil lair but since I was his guest I could not complain. He asked me the following questions:

1) If you could switch places with any dictator in history who would it be?

I'd switch with Dr. Doom. But I'd ditch that metal outfit because I chafe too easily. If I was Dr. Doom I'd get to be a Marvel Comics character and to maybe mix it up with the Invisible Girl. Or maybe even She Hulk. Or the Black Canary.

2) If you found Sen. Larry Craig was hiding in your bathroom thinking it was an asylum what would you do?

I'd explain to him that I did not swing that way and that he would be much happier if he stopped living a lie and started living his life as who is really is. There is nothing sadder than people living the life they think others expect them to, rather than living the life of who they really are inside. He'd be happier if he'd admit who he was inside and he'd probably be more tolerant and less of a hypocritical prick. Then after that I'd tell him to get out of my bathroom.

3) If you could take any embarrassing former monkey presidents in the same room with you with a baseball bat who would it be?

That's a trick question! There have been no monkey Presidents because us monkey's are too smart to run for that office. Having said that then, the one President I'd take into a room with be and a baseball bat would be Woodrow Wilson. Sure he was super smart, sure he was the driving force behind the League of Nations, sure he looked great in a big stove pipe hat, but the thing about Woodrow was he could not lay down a bunt to save his life. So I'd take him in a room and teach him how to lay down a sacrifice bunt down because in close games you got to move that runner on first into scoring position.


4) In the paper about a week ago they found out that about 5 neighborhoods had twelve Starbucks each. Whats your reaction?

I am appalled. I despise Starbucks and all the greedy corporatism that's been allowed to run amok that it represents.

5) Say George Bush Jr admits that he is the fourth Reich, publicly because there are stupid people that didn't know, would you start a riot or would you wait till Dr. Zaius rules the world?

I'd do my duty as a concerned citizen to see that any law breaking butt head in Washington DC did not stay in office any longer than permitted by the Constitution. As to the other part of your question,

why would I wait for this creature to run the world? We've got to make sure that this Dr. Zaius never gets born so he can not run the world later.

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After the interview was over Evil Dictator tossed me out of his evil lair and he told me I had to walk home. As luck would have it, a certain Spanish actress who had read my glowing review of her performance in Pan's Labyrinth was driving by and she offered me a lift back to el Casa de Monkey. But as we drove back to my home she pulled off the side of the road, told me to get in the back seat, and then she proceeded to "thank" me for my kind words about her acting.

Needless to say, I look forward to reviewing her next cinematic effort. I'm sure she'll be great in anything she does!