Dear Tom,
I read online parts of that New Yorker article on the implosion your political party. I liked it to so much I went out and bought a copy of the very same magazine. I told myself I wanted to have it so I could read the story by David Sedaris, the article about Paul McCartney, and the one by Gunter Grass where he writes about his days in the SS. But what I really wanted to do was to read all of the article about you and Rove and Newt.
Man, you guys are something. Your sniping and backbiting prove that the old adage that victory has many mothers but defeat is an orphan is true. I loved how all of you blame one another for your party's defeat in 2006 and how all of you have different ideas on how to win back the Congress in 2008.
But to be honest Tom, what I really loved was how you said that your adultery was not as bad as Newt's. See Tom, I may be an atheist now, and please inform your pal Chuck Norris that I said that will you please?, but I still remember all those commandments from my years of church going. So I had to laugh when you said your transgression wasn't as bad as Newt's because I know god damned well that your Bible says all adultery is bad, period. You knew you were doing wrong when you boned that other woman while you were still married and just because you asked Jesus to forgive you, that does not make it right. Your still an adulterer in the eyes of your god and you always will be, just like Newt, and Henry Hyde, and John McCain, and Rudy 9/11 are.
Congrats on the whole getting messages from your god thing too Tom. It's really a coup for you. Although to be honest I'm surprised you shut that fat yap of yours long enough for him to tell you he wants you to rebuild the Republican Party. Just asking here Tom, but did he say anything about the Democrats? Should they rebuild as well? Or does he hate them or something?
Oh, shit, man, I forgot to tell you that god spoke to me as well. She said that I should write blog posts that let people know how full of shit you are and how you really don't speak for her or her Mexican son Jesus. She wanted me to remind you about that whole rich person/camel through the eye of a needle thingy too. And she said that I could feel free to post pictures that make you look ridiculous as well and that I could write smart ass snarky captions under them too. Turns out that the whole god talking to people thing is pretty common Tom, so there you go.
Anyhoo, here's a picture of you I found on the internets just a few minutes ago:
Do not feed him or he will follow you home.
And here's another:
Only Tom's hair does not like Georgie's farts.
You hang in there now Tom and I'll be watching for that trial of yours that's coming up and I think you know who I'll be rooting for. Yep. For the prosecutor. I have to root for him Tom, god told me to.
Sincerely,
Dr. Monkerstein
5 comments:
Sheer briliance! What a great post. I hope that Tommy boy gets his letter from you as it has many great points.
Please allow me to say that as an actual Christian person, although of a very liberal persuasion, I think that this whole "Jesus just forgave me" bullshit is just that. Bullshit.
Frankly, I think that if Jesus showed up, it would not be our friend Matty Boy who would have the splainin' to do. Oh no no no. I think that DeLay, Gingrich, Idiot ShitFor Brains Bush and others will not be pulled up in the rapture as planned.
In fact, as a Catholic (oh dear i have outed myself) I don't even have any obligation to believe in that rapture, must I say it again... rapture bullshit.
Anyway these people are eating their own dead, except they are still alive.
Back to filthy talk, exposing the hypocrites and blogging - just like God intended!
Glad you liked my post Fran. And don't worry I don't think all of you Christians are assholes, I like some of the more liberal Catholics, my mother was one of those people before she died, some Quakers, a few Mennonites, and a stray Unitarian or two.
And you are most correct when you say that if Jesus came back he'd shun those pricks like Tom and George. He'd head straight for Iraq and Afghanistan to smote our army and to help heal all the people over there who we've hurt and maimed.
In a few years, when Tom lures a faded bombshell from behind her post as hostess at Outback Steakhouse, escorts her back to his luvshack and goes all Specter on her (Phil, not Arlen), that photog will be the new hot Tom Delay mugshot.
I eagerly await.
....at which time i'll be anxiously awaiting faux news to reference it as a legitimate photo without investigating its source.
AWESOME letter!!
Please e-mail it to Tom. AT least one of his lackeys who reads his e-mail for him would get a good laugh ;-).
Hypocrites. Hate em with every fiber of my being!
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