My Secret Life or How to Save the Universe Without Really Trying

In an effort to lighten things up around here we thought we would divulge our secret identity, tell a few anecdotes about it, and hopefully give you a laugh or two.

Okay, here goes, yours truly, Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein, your erstwhile host here at Monkey Muck, is a part time superhero. That's right. And not just any superhero, I am a rare breed of superhero, I am a Soviet Superhero.

Please allow me to explain. After I had my heart attack and quadruple bypass surgery my cardiologist put me on 100 percent disability and I found myself with lots of time on my simian hands. In order to keep my self amused and occupied, I did a couple of things. I bought an X Box and some sports games to play on it, I got a high speed cable internet connection, and I took golf back up.

After the initial excitement of playing the X Box wore off, after I realized I still suck ass at golf (though I am getting better now), I took to the internet to waste some time. It was then I discovered the siren call of Yahoo Games. When I found out I could play Spades and Hearts virtually anytime of day and talk smack to the people I was playing against, I was hooked.

I set up several different Yahoo aliases and off I went. I played sometimes for 8 to 10 hours a day. I'd log off when my girlfriend came home for lunch and get right back on when she left. I'd stay up, sometimes all night, and play for hours and hours.

Just when it started to get boring to me I decided to start playing under the name of Soviet_Superhero. Being a child of the Cold War I grew up believing the propaganda about the USSR. I just knew in my little simian heart that those damn dirty Commies did not allow their kids to play outside or have any fun at all. I knew that they locked up their kids in closets and made them study algebra and rocket science so they could take over when they were ready. I knew that no one ever smiled in the USSR and that they all lived in dread fear of the KGB and our American style democracy and way of life. I knew all that, that is until the USSR fell apart and I grew up. I finally realized that people over there were just like people over here. They loved their kids, they went to work, they went on vacations, they were proud of some of the things their government did and they hated other things their government did. They wanted a decent life for themselves and their families just like we do over here.

But I also knew that many Americans did not grasp that simple idea. They would forever look upon anyone from the former USSR as a damn dirty Commie bent on destroying the USA. It was these type of people I was out to piss off by using the screen name of Soviet_Superhero.

It did not take too long usually for someone to make an insulting remark to me. If I was losing to them they'd say, "You play like shit, no wonder you guys lost to us." Or if I was winning they'd say, "Get your ass back to Russia you damn Commie." Incredibly some would say things like, "Hey Hitler you suck ass." Or "You stink you Nazi." Those types of people always gave me a good laugh and I'd ask them if they voted Republican in the last election and most of them would say "Hell yes!!!"

One memorable night I was playing with a partner who was using the black male avatar, so I assumed he was black. We were playing against a couple of young females and we all were chatting in between our turns. I sent him a private message that asked if he wanted to have some fun with our opponents. He sent one back and said sure. So I began referring to him as "my black negro soul brother man." I'd say things like, "hey my black negro soul brother man, you made a great play." And, "our victory is as invincible as the tide of socialism my negro soul brother."

Our opponents became incensed at my calling my partner a negro. They called me a racist pig and said I should go live in Siberia. One of them told me that she hated Russians and that no Russian would ever be allowed to teach or work at her college, which I think she said was the University of Miami. I asked her why that was and she said that they did not allow Russians to be professors. I said in my best faux broken English, "is racism to not allow people from great soviet state to teach in your college!!!!!" My partner replied, "welcome to america, the place where the man keeps you down for no good reason." I nearly wet myself laughing. When it became apparent that we were going to win the game I typed in, "just like game here we will both get victory in life my black soul negro brother man." He typed back, "right on yuri." I pictured a black guy somewhere at his computer laughing as much as I was.

The other thing that struck me when I played as Soviet_Superhero was what people would be willing to tell me if I simply asked. I would routinely say to the people I would play with, "please not to worry i am not spy." Most would ignore it or say "sure whatever." Then I would follow that up with, "it is okay to tell me since i am not a spy if any of you are living around any military bases or power plants or factories that make bombs or things of this nature." That would arouse some suspicions and some would say nothing back or they'd say, "no of your business boris." But other would rattle off most any information I asked for. Of course I had no idea if they were lying but it always struck me as funny that anyone would answer any question asked by a person who feels it necessary to start a question with the words, "is okay i am not a spy...."

I haven't hung up my red cape yet, as you can see from the recent picture of me, but some day I might. Or maybe someday if you see a big hammer and sickle light flash in the sky over East TN and then you see a flying monkey with abs of steel fly over head, you'll know it's me and I'm on my way to help the workers in their class struggle. Or maybe I'll just be headed to get my belly full of banana borscht.

(A huge tip of the fez to our pal and your future ruler Dr. Zaius for the great photo we used in this post. )

(A note on capitalization. Since people rarely used capitals in yahoo chat when they play cards I did not use them here where appropiate)