The League of Mullets, or When bad hair styles attack!

For many years your wildly sexy, supremely intelligent, and oh so humble host of this blog, yours truly, Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein had only one mortal enemy and that was the group of men you see in the photo above, The League of Mullets. I did not consider the religious rightwing nut bags my "mortal" enemies because I knew in the end I could, and still will if sufficiently provoked, smite them with my mighty monkey powers, same goes for the ignorant masses who align themselves with the right wing.

Dear readers, we know that you are asking, "What's up then with you and the League of Mullets? How did they become your mortal enemies?"

Well, it all began one hot humid muggy night right outside of Freedom Hall Civic Center in Johnson City, TN. The headline act for that night's concert was Judas Priest and the local yokels were jacked beyond belief with excitement, and hopped up on cheap beer and weed that some claimed was "the shit that killed Elvis." I was not at the venue to see the show, I was there to keep the peace and to make sure things did not get out of hand, it's a service I used to provide sometimes, get over it.

If you were misbehaving and law breaking you would quake in fear if you saw me swoop down out of the sky and mete out justice. You know you would. In fact, the weak among you are trembling now.



Anyhoo, I spied the League out of the corner of my simian eye and I flew down to see what they were up to. It was a lucky thing I did because as it turns out they were all drunk and disorderly and they were taunting a sensitive young woman about her love of Abba. They had this young woman surrounded and some members were singing Green Manalishi (With The Three Prong Crown) at her. Other members of the League interpretively danced at her in a threatening manner, while the rest of them quaffed Milwaukee's Best Light and belched up their evening meal of McRib and fries in her young face. It was more than any monkey could bear.



I swooped down and confronted them. They were momentarily startled but they soon regained what little senses they had. I tossed the girl to safety and began to prepare for a fight. One of the League members sucker punched me and I confess I went down like a ton of bricks. While I was on the ground they kicked me and stole my fez. I was too groggy to go after them and I had saved the young woman after all, so I left well enough alone.


It was a huge mistake, perhaps the biggest mistake of my life. It was a mistake that would have earth shattering consequences for all of mankind.


The sucker punch that put me down and the subsequent kicking I received and the theft of my fez emboldened them. That very night they embarked on a life of crime and perfidy. No crime was too petty for them. No unspeakable act went undone. Their crime spree included such acts as buying beer for underage teens, leading on military recruiters, mocking Amway distributors, renting Adam Sandler movies and never returning them, and perhaps the most heinous crime of all, masterminding the election and reelection of George W. Bush to the Presidency of the United States. I chased them for many years, when I apprehended one another would pop up to take his place.


It seemed at times that because of my mistake they would ruin civilization as we know it. I had to come up with a plan. A master plan, if you will. Then it hit me, I would lure all of them to one place and then BANG! I would capture them. I waited and bided my time, that is until the day that this film hit the theatres:


There are two things I knew for sure about my mortal enemies the League of Mullets, they loved keggers and they would walk through hell to see an Adam Sandler comedy. I knew they were too drunk to see the pre opening publicity about the movie, they'd automatically assume it was a comedy since Adam Sandler was in it, so I sent them all an invitation to an opening night kegger at the local movie theatre where Sandler's magnum opus was scheduled to play.



I cleared the theatre of the poor people who had paid to see the movie, I gave them all a coupon for a free movie rental at Blockbuster and a fun size Three Musketeers. Just as the last patron left the theatre, the members of the League began to show up. After they all filed in I sealed off the entrances to the theatre and the battle royale began.

They fought valiantly, I fought like a monkey possessed. In the end I won, and they all laid strewn about the theatre. One of them asked me, "Yo, Monkey dude, are you taking us to jail or something? Cuz, if you aren't there's a sweet White Snake tribute band playing at the Holiday Inn and we wanna go check it out." I looked at their hopeful little faces, their sweaty mullets, their assorted rock and roll t shirts of bands that sucked giant balls and I pondered the old adage that real power is knowing when to hold back and so I took pity on the League. I hypnotized them into not doing evil anymore and I let them live rent free in the trailer park near my super secret HQ, in return they will be appearing in a steel cage death match from time to time, doing film and TV reviews for me, and if needs be, they will go to Iraq with John McCain and they'll help him hunt down Bin Laden.

It just goes to show you, even the most hardened criminal can be rehabilitated and made useful again.