Oscar round up

I haven't seen the Academy Awards yet, I'll probably watch them later on Hulu, but here are my initial thoughts:

• I'm glad Clint Eastwood's gun porn movie didn't win any major awards.
• I'm not shocked they left Joan Rivers out of the dead celebs montage, after all she made fun of the people who attended for years and years.
• Good on ya Patricia Arquette, John Legend, and Graham Moore.
• It's not the USA citizens only awards Donald Trump, so fuck you and your racism.
• Seriously?  John Travolta?  Really?  How can anyone be around him and not be creeped out? 
• I may have seen only one Oscar nominated film this year.

Generic Oscar wrap up

Since I didn't watch a second of the Oscars this year I'll have to give you a generic wrap up. Ready? I sure hope so!

• Holy shit those production numbers sucked ass. What were they thinking?
• The choice of host was insane. How dare they try to a) skew younger, b) try to placate their older nearly comatose audience, c) fuck with Oscar tradition like that.
• That actress who wore that dress looked like a) a disgusting whore, b) a fashion train wreck, c) a vision of loveliness.
• For fuck sake will that Oscar winner never shut up?
• God damn it, he or she will never win another Oscar, how dare the Academy cut off their acceptance speech like that.
• John Travolta looks like hell. He needs to pray to Xenu for a new body.
• The actor/actress who I wanted to win didn't. Damn, now I feel empty inside. The rest of my days on this earth will be soul crushing and bring me naught but numbing pain. Until next year that is.
  
• What the fuck is she/he doing there? I shit out more talent in the morning than they have in their entire body of work.
  
• A film about the Holocaust won/didn't win an Oscar? God damn anti Semites/Jews who control the media, how dare they do this to us?
• Meryl Streep is how old? Shit, who cares, I'd still bang her given half a chance.
• The telecast is longer than the list of excuses Republican evangelicals give for fucking over the poor and pissing on blacks, gays, and women.
  
• There wasn't enough cleavage on the show.
• The red carpet show sucked balls, Gwyneth Paltrow's sweaty lady balls.
• They left out my favorite dead film person in this year's montage of the dead. God damn them. I shake my fist at them for doing that shit.
• ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...what? It's over already? It's only 1:30 AM, it can't be over! Bastards. I'm never watching this shit show again. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
  

Oscar wrap up

• You'd think after 82 tries they'd finally get it right. But no, you'd be wrong. WORST OSCARS EVER.
• James Franco is a fine actor. However, he's an awful host. He had all the stage presence and charisma of a block of wood.
  
• Poor Anne Hathaway. She had to work twice as hard as normal to make up for her lackluster co-host and as a result she came off as needy and goofy.
• Boy, Michael Douglas looks like hell these days. What? That was his dad? Boy, Kirk Douglas looks like hell these days. I hope they got him back into his cryogenic chamber before he thawed out all the way. They'll get him out of that chamber again just as soon as a cure for annoying old man syndrome is found.
• Melissa Leo wins an Oscar, it's about god damned time. She deserved one for Frozen River and for what ever she does next.
• I missed about an hour and a half of the show because I wanted to watch something good. I turned it over to PBS and caught the last installment of Any Human Heart, and boy was I glad I did. To make up not commenting on what I didn't see during that hour and a half, here's some pictures of my pick for Best Actress, Jennifer Lawrence:

• Why do they feel the need to kiss Steve Spielberg's ass every year? He makes sappy mediocre films, get over him Hollywood, the rest of us have.
  
• Every time Ann Hathaway came out in a new dress I wondered if they were playing a practical joke on her and or us. They got progressively worse as the night went on. I'm pretty sure that at one point she was wearing the shower curtain from some college kid's apartment.
• They must really hate all those people who died this past year. What else could be the reason they got Celine Dion to sing during the death montage?
• That singer from Florence and the Machine, is English her first language? Or does she speak Mumbles?
• Gwyneth Paltrow singing at the Oscars isn't the major crime against all that we hold holy, although it's pretty fucking bad. No, the most serious offense here is that a song from her abortion of a country music film was nominated in the first place.
• Is there anything more cringe worthy than watching Gwyneth Paltrow sing? Yes! Those stupid 'off the cuff' comments they made Jeff Bridges and Sandra Bullock do when they introduced the Best Actress and Best Actor nominees are more cringe worthy than watching Paltrow 'sing.'
  
• Best acting job of the night was when Anne Hathaway told James Franco he was doing a great job as Oscar host. She deserved an Oscar for saying that without breaking out into convulsions and red blotchy hives.
• I've got an idea, let's get Kirk Douglas to host the show next year. He couldn't be any worse than James Franco was.
  
• Disease of the week films about a member of the British royal family are a lock to win Best Picture. Next year the winner will be a movie about how Prince Charles triumphed over his inbreeding to have his first wife killed so he could shag a department store mannequin for the rest of his days.

Random thoughts on last night's Oscar show

Over all a good show. Very tight, not much superfluous shit and thank gawd there was no message from the president of the Academy.

Who the fuck is Sam Worthington and why is he on the Oscar telecast?

Could someone not have told Vera Farmiga, an actress who I totally don't 'get' at all by the way, that her dress looked like shit? Could she not look in the mirror and see that her ghastly translucent skin clashed like crazy with that fashion abomination?

Let's be honest, that girl who starred in Precious is a heart attack with a triple side of stroke waiting to happen.
I'd be surprised if she doesn't already have diabetes. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her and I'm glad she got the work but seriously, this is the pinnacle of her cinematic career. And we all know you were just being nice when you said she has many more great film roles ahead of her Oprah. What you meant to say was that she's the African American Haing Ngor of her generation.

Why do they persist in having dancers interpretively dance to Oscar nominated music? I'm glad dancers are gettin' some work and all but come the hell on, it's embarrassing to watch.

Man, James Cameron must be hell to live with. Did you see what he did to Suzy Amis's looks? She used to be attractive until she took up with him. I'm guessing he's so narcissistic that he's trying to make her over in his image. Poor Suzy looks like she's anorexic and or getting ready to audition for the female version of Bent.

Speaking of women who were married to James Cameron, nice segue huh, I'm super glad Kathryn Bigelow won the best director Oscar, I'm glad her film won best picture, and I'm glad she escaped the evil clutches of James Cameron.
And screw what anybody else says, her dress was fantastic. And so was this one:
Really Academy? You really had to jam John Revolta on us yet another year? I was so happy not to see his autism denying face then you had to trot him out yet again. Memo to the Academy, the only people who want to see him are unmarried females who are 50 something and shut ins. The rest of us don't ever want to see him again. I mean it.

Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin did a fine job of hosting but they should have had Hugh Jackman back as host this year.

Neil Patrick Harris should host every awards show ever.

Thanks yet again for fucking up the tribute portion of the show ABC. Your director decided that we didn't need to see those first few dead people's photos. Why? I'll never know. Oh well, at least you do it consistently every year.

Every single 'young' Hollywood person who took the stage to either introduce a clip or award an Oscar looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Those kids from Twilight were the worst ones of all.

You can take Miley Ray Cyrus out of the trailer park, but you'll never be able to take the trailer park out of her.

Someone tell Tyler Perry he's not funny. Go on. Go tell him. I'll wait.

Congratulations ABC! You found Oscar pre show hosts that I hated more than the ones you used to use! I honestly didn't think it was possible to find someone worse than Billy Bush but you searched high and low and you did it! Way to go. At least you didn't inflict Ryan Seacrest on me, so you got that going for you.

Did I mention how much I love Kathryn Bigelow's dress? Oh, ok. Sorry.

Hey, I nearly forgot, I totally got that Sandra Bullock Oscar call right. So what if all my other predictions were wrong?

That's all for now.

Oh wait. Hang on. Did anybody ever figure out who the fuck Sam Worthington was? No? I didn't think so.

My 2010 Oscar picks

Best Picture-In a very crowded field the sleeper film An Education wins. Although The Hurt Locker will be the favorite. If A Serious Man wins, I may have to commit suicide.

Best Actor-Jeff Bridges. It's going to be one of those 'body of work' awards for Mr. Bridges. And in his speech he'll announce that he uses his brother Beau Bridges for spare body parts.

Best Actress-Sandra Bullock. Ick. It's out of my hands though.

Best Supporting Actor-Stanley Tucci. But it's obvious that the Hollywood power structure wants Matt Damon to win it since they nominated him in the supporting actor category even though he's the lead in the film he's been nominated for.

Best Supporting Actress-In what will be viewed as a triumph for plain looking women every where, Vera Farmiga will take home this years prize.

Best Director-Kathryn Bigelow. She's done great work in the past and this is her year.

Precious will get shut out and there will be a big controversy about it across all media, except on Fox Noise channel and the KKK Network.

Suck it Lou Dobbs

Random thoughts on last night's Oscars:

• You just know Lou Dobbs was hatin' on the whole thing what with Penelope Cruz winning and all those awards going to a film that featured so many brown skinned people.
  
• I'm not sure who wore the dress I hated more. Was it Reese Witherspoon, Queen Latifah, Miley Ray Cyrus, or Jessica Biels? I can tell you that I laughed out loud when I saw what Jessica Biels had on. Seriously, it looked like the top of her dress vomited up that sash thingy.


• I'm glad Milk won some Oscars.


• Worst monatge of the dead ever. Shitty camera angles and the swooping back and forth between Queen Latifah and the pictures of the deceased really sucked ass. It was disrespectful to all involved.


• The right wingers hate it but Sean Penn is best actor of my generation. He'll probably win another Oscar before it's all said and done.
  
• When will Meryl Streep ever age? She's looked fantastic since 1979.


• I'm happy Kate Winslett won. She's deserved an Oscar for many years now. She's a damn fine actor.


• Danny Boyle looks like he just got out of hospital after having had a lobotomy.


• John Legend is a stand up guy for filling in for Peter Gabriel in the 'Best Song' medley. Gabriel backed out in a snit when he found out he was only going to sing part of his nominated song. I'm glad the song from Slumdog won.


• Thank gawd that the President of the MPAA didn't make his usual snooze fest speech.


• I had huge reservations about Hugh Jackman hosting but it turns out he did a damn fine job.


• How long is Beyonce going to ride At Last?


• Does Sophia Loren wear the same dress to the Oscars every year now?


• I'm officially over Jack Black. Dude, would it fucking kill you to shave for the fucking Oscars? And what was up with your wife's dress? I took one look at what she was wearing and I thought, "Somewhere there is a VW bug with out it's seat covers."


• Hey Phillip Seymour Hoffman, do you have ring worm? Is that why you wore that stupid skull cap during the show? If it's just hat wearing your into next year wear a trucker cap and then the next year you should wear a toboggan with a poof ball on it. Or hey, I know, wear your wife like a hat! Yeah, I'd pay money to see that man.


• Ben Stiller, please stop making shitty remakes and do more comedy like you did in last night's show.


• I'm shocked the show was over before 2:30 AM eastern time. Way to go Oscar people.


• Yes Robin Roberts, hosting the Oscar pre show is your reward for beating breast cancer.


• Was I the only person who didn't know that Benny Hill is Kate Winslet's dad?


• What the hell was Miley Ray Cyrus doing at the Oscars anyway?


• It's official, Bill Maher is the biggest douche bag that ever walked the earth. Before telling us who the Ocsar for best documentary he had the gall to plug his own film which didn't get nominated. Yo, Bill, way to ensure you never ever get nominated. Stay douchey Billy boy.


• Seriously, how great did Meryl Streep look? She was waaaaaay hotter than her stick figure daughter. Yo, Meryl, grr baby, grrr.


• Tilda Swinton still scares the beejeebus out of me.


• I'm looking forward to seeing most all of the nominated films when they hit DVD.

They'd like to thank the Academy

The Oscar nominations are out and without having seen any of the nominated films yet, here's my picks:

Best Picture-Milk. The members of the academy are still stinging from criticism about not naming Brokeback Mountain best picture a few years back so they'll vote in droves for Gus Van Sant's Harvey Milk bio pic.

Actor-Mickey Rourke. Hollywood loves a comeback. Sean Penn might win again but the odds are against him because he's alread won for a lesser role in a lesser film.

Actress-Kate Winslet. After being nominated so many times and not winning, Kate finally gets her Oscar this year. And when you look at her body of work, she deserves it.

Supporting Actor-Heath Ledger. No contest.

Supporting Actress-Amy Adams. The academy will forgive her for that horrid piece of crap princess movie she made with Disney a few years ago and they'll give her an Oscar for her otherwise wise acting choices. For my money she should have won an Oscar for her performance in June Bug a few years back.

Best Director-Danny Boyle. His film Slumdog Millionaire will get passed over for the Oscar but the academy won't over look the man who made it.

We'll have to wait for Oscar night to see if I'm right.

Impressions of Oscar

Here's some scattershot thoughts about last night's Oscars:

• Jon Stewart did a fine job with little time to prepare. The guy is a pro and he handled a pressure packed gig with grace. His political jokes were great but his best moment was bringing that gal from Once back out so she could thank people for her award.
• It was nice to see the Bourne movies get tossed a few bones. I'm not usually crazy for action films but this series I like, as do many many many other people. They never were serious contenders for the headline awards but they'll now be known as Oscar winners from now on.
• It's amazing what one can do in a Hefty brand trash bag. I thought Tilda Swinton pulled wearing a trash bag off pretty well. She could still use a tan though.
• Katherine Hegel is one beautiful woman but I can't get past her slagging Knocked Up. Maybe if she had turned it down when she read it the first time and maybe if she hadn't taken a shit load of money to be in it, then I wouldn't hold it against her. But she did make it, she did get paid for it, and she did benefit from the mostly good reviews, but now she wants to slag it? Bullshit honey. You made that bed, now lie in it. You don't see Helen Mirren running away from Caligula after all these years do you?
• I didn't like any of the nominated songs. I was glad that a song from Once won. It was nice to see the Disney machine lose.
• Kerry Russell needs to eat a sandwich and not toss it back up later. She looks like she has matchsticks for arms.
• Suck it up JD, Atonement didn't win much. It's okay, life will go on.
• Laura Linney is one real purty woman. I could see myself stalking her if Sparky ever dumped me.
• I'd rather get knifed in the kidney with a rusty can lid than watch Regis Philbin do anything on TV. His one saving grace is he's not Billy Bush.
• I'd rather not see Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones wax poetic over their Oscar wins. To be honest, I'd rather not see them at all because I think they are disgusting. He's disgusting for dropping his old wife like a rock for a young woman and she's disgusting for having a husband and a kid who are both in diapers. I get queasy at the thought of them in the sack together. Eww.
• I'm still pissed the Academy never recognized the passing of Adrienne Shelley. They snubbed her in last years montage of the dead and they did the same thing this year. Entertainment Weekly did the same thing. It must be a bitch if you die in November or December because you get ignored by everyone in the industry.
• Speaking of montages, I'm officially montaged out for the year.
• John Travolta looked like hell on the half shell. He looked like one of those skeevy porn actors in the twilight of their careers. All I can think when I see him now is that he believes in some stupid space alien bull shit religion.
• Helen Mirren looked hotter than most of the younger women in the audience.
• Someone please tell James Macavoy to take a fucking shave. And Viggo Mortensen too. But not the Coen brothers, somehow they make scruff work for them.
• Overall the show was kind of blah. I know it's because they only had a week or so to prepare, so considering that it was a monumental feat. But still, Jon Stewart couldn't carry it all by himself.

Now that I've seen which films won, I'll get off my butt and see some of them. I hope all your favorites won tonight and if they didn't then just be grateful that "comedian" Dane Cook wasn't nominated for anything.