A Monkey Movie Report

It had been a while since I watched a really bad movie but after seeing this turkey

I'm good to go.

You'd think from the poster and the title that this film would be about the Sapphic side of the old west but if you did think that, you'd be dead wrong partner.

The film starts off with a scene of two young people, a brother and his younger sister, burying their parents, who I'm sure died of mortification over how their children turned out.  Once the old folks are in the ground the siblings mope around and claim they'll be there for one another forever and they give each other 'sexy' looks.  They go about their lives doing chores, the brother chops wood and uses a pitchfork to move hay a foot and a half from where ever it started out.  The sister mopes around and does a bit of cooking and mopily flirts with her brother.  Their attraction to one another builds and as soon as big brother spies his naked sister in the creek, that settles it, they're gonna fuck.  But not before they mope around some more and swear they're never gonna leave one another.

Finally, after they both masturbate while thinking of the other, they get it on.  And oddly enough for their first time, and most every time after that, they have intercourse despite the fact that big brother is still wearing his pants.  They get on in her bed, on a blanket in the barn, on the kitchen floor, and in the creek.  They can't stop doing it.  They shag so much in fact that they neglect their chores and the farm falls into disrepair.

The guilt of letting the farm slide is too much for big brother, he doesn't seem too guilty over the fact that he's dipping his wick in his sister's candle though.  His solution to his problem is to go into town and find him another woman so he can get his sexy sister out of his head and bed.  So he rides the three miles into town and he hooks up with the first saloon hooker he sees.  He tells her that his sister is back home all alone and upon hearing that news, an eavesdropping cowboy rides out to see sister.  Brother nails the hooker, this time at least he has the courtesy to take off his pants and the cowboy at the farm rapes the sister after she feeds him supper.

The next day big brother goes home to find sis naked and crying on her bed.  She tells him what happened and big bro stomps off to town to avenge his sister.  While bro is in town the hooker rides out to see his sister.  Big brother gets into a gun fight with the raping cowboy and he gets killed and while that is going down, his sister and the hooker are going down on each other because as the hooker tells the sister, sometimes it takes a woman to help another woman who's been traumatized by rape to feel better by having sex with her.

Cut to the brother being buried as sis and the hooker stand stoically by the graveside.  Then fade to black.  And that's the film.  And it's all dreadfully bad.  It's amateurish and hard to watch because the actors have no charisma and they deliver their lines like they all just woke up from a coma.

Don't get me wrong though, the woman who played the sister, Sharon Matt, is very easy on the eyes and her best scenes are when she's naked.  And she's naked quite a bit in this film.  She also goes commando through out it too.

But the bottom line is this is a bad bad bad movie.  It's not in the 'so bad it's kind of good' category either.  It's just bad.  The sex scenes are the least sexy in the world, despite the hotness of Ms. Matt.  The acting is atrocious and the sets are laughable.  It's billed as an erotic western but it's hardly erotic and it's just barely a western.  It's just bad.

No. Just No.

I watched nasty little horror flick last night and I can honestly say the best thing about it was the closing credits.

In a semi rural, which means it's probably supposed to be in the southern region of the USA, because hey, we all know those fuckers are savages and this kind of shit goes on all the time there, lives an attorney (Sean Bridgers), his wife (Angela Bettis), their teenage daughter (Lauren Ashely Carter), their pre teen son (Chris Krzykowski), and their young daughter (Shyla Molhusen).  The attorney gives off a strange controlling vibe the first few scenes and the rest of the family, except the little girl who is too young to notice or care, give off a creepy vibe as well.  The wife and daughter act like they're scared or brain damaged or something.  The son just acts odd.  They all live on a farm where they also keep a pack of dogs that are easily agitated.


The dad goes hunting one night and he spies a feral woman living in a cave near a creek near his farm.  He captures her, drags her home, slaps some manacles on her wrists and legs and he trusses her up in a cellar.  He then makes the mistake of getting his ring finger too close to her mouth and she bites part of it off and spits his wedding band back at him.  He gets over the loss pretty quick as he gathers his creepy family and he marches them out to the cellar to look at his new toy.  The family aren't all that surprised that daddy brought home a wild woman who's now strung up like Christmas lights in a cellar.  He calmly tells them they are going to clean her up and civilize her.  They seem cool with it, except for the eldest daughter, she looks all worried and brain damagey.  


The son and daughter have their little quirks at school while all of this if going down.  It becomes obvious that the daughter is pregnant and she's distraught over it and the son likes inflicting pain on the girls in his class.   The daughter's geometry teacher, who gives the flat out worst performance in a sea of bad performances in this film, decides to tell the girls mother that their daughter is pregnant because she's concerned about the girl.  


Meanwhile back on the farm the son has drilled a hole in the cellar door so he can spy on the feral woman and the dogs keep getting agitated.  One night when he thinks his wife has fallen asleep he sneaks off to go diddle the feral woman while she's trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey.  As he does his business the son spies on him and the wife is awake but she's too afraid to get up or say anything.  By this time in the movie it's obvious that the father is a nut job who beats his wife and eldest daughter, that he knocked up the eldest daughter, and that he's grooming the son to be like him.  And those god damned dogs keep barking like mad.


The creep factor gets slowly ratcheted up and by the time the horribly portrayed geometry teacher shows up at the house in a mini skirt after daddy has beaten mommy senseless, and you just know some even worse shit is about to go down.  And still those dogs bark and bark and bark.


The teacher tells the assembled family that she knows the eldest girl is preggers and of course daddy reacts badly to her news.  So he does what any sensible psycho would do, he beats the shit out of the teacher, ties her up, drags her outside, and tosses her in the big cage with the psycho barking dogs.  As the teacher gets bitten and barked at she slinks away in to a corner where she can get her some first class horror film shrieking on.  Then, from out of the doghouse in the dog cage comes the reason why the dogs bark so god damned much, it's another feral woman!  And this one think she's a dog!  She's blind as well, so that even more terrifying! Between the dogs and the feral dog woman they make short work of the teacher.


The knocked up daddy's girl manages to escape while the dad and son bond over watching the geometry teacher get eaten.  Knocked up Nellie frees the feral woman in the cellar, who once free cellar  feral gal attacks and kills the wife for not freeing her earlier.  Then our feral heroine makes her way to the barn where the dogs live and she kills the creepy son and she kills the dad by shoving a blade in him and opening up his stomach, reaching up in his chest cavity, and pulling out his still beating heart, which she promptly bites into as he watches.  The feral dog woman gets out and she's quickly shown who is the alpha feral woman in the new pack.

The feral gals make it outside and they run in to the knocked up Nellie, who's character name is Peggy, and her little sister.  Alpha feral woman decides to let teenager be because she freed her and showed her compassion but she takes the little girl to presumably raise and to teach her in the ways of the feral cannibal females that roam throughout the south.  

I hated this film.  It made me hate Sean Bridgers, who I loved in Deadwood.  It mad me hate lawyers, small towns, farms, teenagers, pre teen boys, feral woman, dogs, indie rock (the film makers slathered an oppressive indie rock score all over this cinematic crap sandwich), manacles, locks, and cheesy horror films.  I hated the violence against the women and I flinched every time one of the women got slapped, punched, and abused.  We are supposed to feel good that the bad man got his just desserts in the end but instead of feeling good when Bridgers character died, I felt dirty.  And I wished everyone involved with this film was dead.

This whole film is virulently anti woman and it's a piece of shit.  I'm sorry I saw it all the way through and I beg you not to make the same mistake I did.  Avoid this one.  AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

Terrible Tuesday Movie of the Week

 From 1976 comes Hollywood Man, a truly horrible movie about making a movie.  With the exception of The Stuntman, I usually hate movies about making movies and after seeing this film, I'm not about to change my mind.

This Z grade turkey stars William Smith.

Yeah you've seen him in a thousand movies and TV shows, usually playing the heavy.  In this film he's the lead. He plays a movie star of a sort who's sunk $125,000 of his own money in a movie about biker gangs.  He needs another $300,000 to finish it so he goes to the head of a studio.  The studio head turns him down but he's nice enough to give him the phone number of some gangsters in Florida who will give him the money, for a price.

Quick as a wink he's off in Florida with his girlfriend, who is also his co-star in his biker film.  She's played by the lovely Mary Woronov, who unbelievably doesn't get top female billing in the credits of this movie.  

 Anyhoo, our hero agrees to the terms the gangsters lay out and he sets off to shoot his picture.  Since he had to put up his house and his residuals from his past films and TV appearances as collateral the gangsters decide they are going to make it impossible for Smith to finish his low budget epic on time, thereby giving them the deed to his Hollywood home and all his income.

The gangsters hire a motorcycle gang to make trouble for the film crew and this gang is led by the least menacing biker ever.  His name is Harvey and he looks like he's a warehouse manager or a shoe salesman or a gastroenterologist.  His gang is made up of one woman who is covered in sweat no matter what time of day it is, some dudes who wear denim jackets that are covered in patches and who's sleeves have been torn off, and one super strong but dim witted guy who is ultra loyal to Harvey.  We know he's dimwitted because he kills people really quickly after he meets them and he repeats his dialogue all the time, for instance he'll say, "Harvey, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry Harvey."  And then he looks all puppy dog innocent and shit.

The biker gang menaces the movie set and so does a local sheriff in the small Florida town they're shooting in.  He hates the bikers and the movie crew but turns out he hates the bikers more.  In between getting harassed by the bikers, the sheriff, and the mob, Smith and Woronov make some time for a sweet sweet '70's sex scene.  They come in to their lovely motel room after a long day and they have a sip or two of Harvey's Bristol Cream or some other '70's drink, she rubs his feet, he leers at her, and then she jumps up and straddles him while the both of them stay fully clothed.  They both leer at one another and then as she opens her blouse, they cut to another scene.

The bikers and the sheriff and all their hasslin' cost our film crew time and money so Smith goes to see the head mob guy to ask for another loan.  He asks for another hundred grand but gets only half that and on top of that Harvey and his goon come in and try to take most of that.  But our hero kicks both their asses in the parking lot which means Harvey must have his revenge.  It stands to reason then that Harvey will then murder most all his gang, including his sweaty would be girlfriend.  And after gunning them all down on a remote beach he and his goon head to the film set to shoot Smith.

On the set they shoot the wrong man, they shoot Smith's stunt double and so Smith must now have his vengeance, so he goes after Harvey and his goon.  He kills the goon in hand to hand fighting and then just as he's about to give Harvey some two fisted justice, the sheriff shoots Harvey.  So all would be well then, right?

Not so fast, this is the 1970's after all.  Smith decides he's got to salvage his film and his dignity from the mob so he calls them and tells them he wants to buy them out so he can release his film.   They agree to meet him in a cafe.  Cut to Smith and Woronov in a cafe waiting and she's bitching about wanting to leave.  He gets all manly and says they are staying because he wants his movie rights.  Next thing you know a couple of mob thugs bust in and shoot our hero and his lady dead.

Yeah.  It's as bad as it sounds.  The acting is wooden, except for Ms. Woronov, who was apparently the only one who could act on this whole production.  The fights  were laughable and the villains were about as scary as a three year old with a baseball bat.  If I wasn't rolling my eyes in disgust I was thinking that there were professionals setting up and shooting the shots of the fake film crew setting up and shooting the shitty movie they were making in this movie.  If I wasn't groaning from the bad dialogue delivery, I was using my Roku remote to see how much time there was left on the film.  I can't recommend this on, not even for the 1970's cheese factor.  The only redeeming thing about this turd is the ever lovely and wildly sexy Mary Woronov.

So bad it was almost good

Yes.

Yes, this is a film about a gang of gay bikers.

And yes, it's as bad as you'd imagine a film about gay bikers made in 1972 would be.

The gang meets up at a pipe yard, and these are huge pipes we're talking about. I'm guessing they met up there because they like to lay pipe when not riding around on the least butch looking motorcycles ever. Anyhoo, they all mount up and they hit the road but quickly they spot a hot young male hitchhiker and they pick him up. And as we all know, when you pick up a hitchhiker you immediately get hungry so our gang of gays stops at an A & W for some fast food. They do their best to keep their gayness under wraps but as most of them lovingly deep throat hot dogs, yeah, I said hot dogs, it quickly becomes apparent that the lads are homosexuals. This of course horrifies their hitchhiker and he runs off screaming so the gay bikers engage in a condiment fight. That is to say they squirt each other with ketchup, mustard, and mayo while screaming and giggling like 10 year old girls at a Justin Beiber concert.

Suddenly the film cuts to a military type getting out of a car. Turns out he's a general and he's the head of some shadowy organization that employs a woman who's got a hairdo that's the size of Delaware. This guy is supposed to be a take off on the crazy body fluids obsessed general from Dr. Strangelove and he reappears through out the film but all he does is drag the film down.

After the condiment fight our gang of motorbiking gays hits the road but soon they get stopped by some heavily armed cops who search them and their bikes. The cops figure out the guys are gay which of course freaks them out so they let our lads go after ascertaining that they're going to move along all the way to LA where they plan to attend a drag cotillion.

Next stop for the boys is a grocery store because nothing works up an appetite like getting hassled by the man. They load up on food and horrify the locals and quickly hit the road again. Soon they find a nice place for a picnic and two of them set a fine table complete with candelabras, champagne, and more fancy stuff that we all know all gays must have at a meal. It's during this scene that the best line of the film is delivered. One biker says to another, "I never knew my father." His pal says, "Oh heavens, why not?" The other guy says with a straight face, "Because he was always in drag!" I nearly laughed out loud but then I didn't.

However their picnic happiness is quickly upended when another gang of hairy chested butch looking straight bikers show up and they demand to know why the gays don't have any broads with them. One gay volunteers to go back to the town where they bought groceries so he can get hookers and they all agree it's a good idea. And quick as a wink he's back and the straight bikers quickly get drunk on the champagne and they proceed to screw the hookers and then pass out. When they wake up the gays and the gals are gone and they figure out they've been dabbed with make up by the gays who also put ribbons and bows in their long biker hair. This of course incenses the bikers who vow revenge on the 'cupcakes.' They can't bring themselves to call them fags or gays. So off they ride on a mission of vengeance.

Our heroes meanwhile have ridden into LA and they've discovered that a dress that one of them was going to wear to the drag ball is missing so they have to go out to buy another, and while their at it, they have to get make up and shoes for him as well. Locals are horrified by the gays and two of the gays who stayed behind at the hotel are given the evil eye by the naked and obviously randy room service waitress. But when the all the guys get back to the hotel they all get dressed for the ball because we all know all gay men live to dress in drag.

The other gang catches up to our gay heroes at their hotel because obviously in 1972 there was only one hotel in LA. The desk clerk rats our gay bikers out to the other gang so they decide to go up and smash those cupcakes. But first, the hotel bar beckons. And who do the straight bikers spy in the bar but a table full of women who are really our gay biker buddies in drag! Not noticing that their dates are really dudes in dresses, they decide to spirit the 'girls' away to a party which happens to be at the house where the general is plotting to do away with all hippie types who are going to ruin his America. The bikers and the gay bikers in drag are ushered in but once the general figures out the women are really fags in drag, he has them killed, hung in a tree in the yard to be exact.

That's it.

That's the film. Well, toss in almost every limp wristed stereotype gay gag imaginable and that's the film. Well, add to all that a really shitty soundtrack of obnoxious electric folk songs by a really shitty band called The Cutters and that's the film. It's all one big ball of weirdness that is at times cringe worthy and astounding. About the only people you'd recognize who are in this film is Dan Haggerty, he starred in Grizzly Adams, and character actor Michael Pataki, trust me, you've seen him in one of his thousands of film and TV roles.

Watch this one for laughs and to see how far they've come in depicting gays on screen but don't expect much in the way of plot or character development. It's odd and kind of funny but mostly it's just stupid as shit.

I watched two and a half movies this weekend

I loved this charming film about a close knit Irish family dealing with the pregnancy of their oldest daughter. It's based on a Roddy Doyle novel, it's part of his Barrytown trilogy.

When the news hits that their eldest daughter is with child and unmarried, the family closes ranks around her and the section of town they live in doesn't much care. But when it becomes an open secret who the father is things start to go haywire and the daughter is ostracized. The family fights back to reclaim their good name and in the end everything is put to rights.

As I said it's all very charming. It's heartwarming without being treacly. Colm Meany turns in his usual solid performance and the gal who plays the pregnant daughter is fine as well, although she can be a little abrasive. But I really loved Ruth McCabe in this movie. She sexy as all get out and the one scene with her and Meany in bed is sweetly funny. She's the prototypical Irish MILF in this film.

I highly recommend this one.

This film about the IRA's struggle to establish a republican Ireland in the days after World War 1 is an intense and at times uncomfortable film to watch. It tells the story of how the Irish fought back against the hated Black and Tans, the British regiments sent to quell the uprising and how after a peace treaty was hammered out between the IRA and the British government the republican soldiers broke into two camps, those who supported the treaty and those who did not, and began fighting amongst themselves.

I really liked this film because it tells a story about the Irish experience that not many Americans know. I really loved the scenes where an IRA court hands down a verdict against a greedy business man who is gouging local people with his high interest rates but then the man walks scot free because he helps the IRA pay for their guns and the one in the church where Cillian Murphy's character gives the priest hell for supporting the pro treaty side because that's the side that has the money behind it. Both sides show how insidious capitalism is and how it chokes off justice and true freedom.

I found the film as a whole to be a bit long, they could have easily cut 30 minutes off of it, which would have made it much tighter. But overall, I really liked the film. Murphy is very good in it, as is his love interest Orla Fitzgerald. As the brother on the other side of the peace treaty fight, Padraic Delany is very good as well.

I highly recommend this one.

When My Name is Nobody came out in 1974 it was an oddity, a parody of the spaghetti western. It was played for laughs and it was thought of a cute and funny. And I remember seeing films with Terrence Hill in them, the Trinity westerns, and loving them. But after seeing a little over half of this movie the other night, I can honestly say I hated it.

I know they were going for cartoony comedy but most all of it falls flat. It's not funny it's just dumb. Some of the problems I had with it were:

• It took place in some netherworld version of the American west where New Orleans is just a hop skip and a jump away from the desert southwest.
• There were fires in pits and other sundry places that no one was tending or benefiting from. They were there for the sake of atmosphere I guess.
• Little people, black folks, and Native Americans were the butt of many 'jokes' and sight gags.
  
• Terrence Hill seemed like he was brain damaged through most of the film.
  
• The dubbing was atrocious, at times there was dialogue when no ones mouths were moving.
  
• The slang was laughable.
  

I hated this film but I'm sure there are others out there who would like it.

A Monkey movie Report

I sat through this piece of shit the other night:
I hate films like this. Making fun of obsessive fans is like shooting fish in a barrel, you can do it but it's not much fun and there's no sport in it.

I can hear the makers of this turd now, "Hey dude, not so fast, we put a few hot chicks and Olivia Munn in it so we're not making fun of these people who obsessively collect Star Wars shit. We love these people!" And to them I reply, "Bullshit, you love them only because you like to make fun of them. Hey, I've got an idea, let's all make a film about asshole filmmakers who like to mock obsessive sci fi fans."

Skip this mock fest and watch one of the original three Star Wars films instead.

Not all Criterion Collection films are great

Made in 1977 and released in 1978 this film doesn't hold up well at all. I'm sure if I saw it when it came out, back when I was a horny teenager, I would have loved it. Now, not so much at all.

The film has an interesting plot, Queen Elizabeth the first has her court alchemist transport her, him, and a lady in waiting 400 years in to the future so she can see what becomes of her beloved England. What follows is laughably bad.

The first clue you've entered pretentious art house hell is when you see that the queen's lady in waiting is a dwarf. Then once transported into the future the shit storm of pretentiousness hits you like a hurricane. We're treated a treatise on history from a woman who's hair was done up by the lead singer of Flock of Seagulls, and who's make up was done in a clown college. Her name is Amyl Nitrate and unfortunately, she's all through the rest of the film. People sit around in squalid graffiti filled rooms, have the least sexy looking sex ever, and look all late '70's punk rockish. Periodically they take the time out to go hang out around things that have been set on fire where they meet other people who like to hang out around things that have been set on fire and who like to do it while wearing masks or dancing. When they tire of that they go meet others who include a bald guy who is obviously a campy homosexual who loves to either start each sentence off with a maniacal laugh or end one the same way, and after awhile, it gets super annoying.

Everybody has a 'cool' punk rock name like 'Crabs,' 'Bod,' and 'Holy shit I can't believe this shitty film is in the Criterion Collection.' Most of the women take off their tops and walk around with bare breasts at some point, so the film has that going for it. And some of the guys do full frontal nudity and their penises swing free and breezy, after all if they show boobs, they gotta show dick too.

The characters mope around complaining that it's the end of the world or the end of love or the end of some other stupid fucking pointless ephemeral thing. Then for no reason at all the cops, who up to this point have benignly smiled as people got beat up, shit got blown up, and cars got stolen, start to behave like cops and they murder some of the annoying characters. But when not getting murdered by the cops, who patrol the streets of future London while wearing motorcycle helmets even though they don't ride motorcycles, some of the characters have sex on top of red plastic sheets, sit around looking dopey, and perform 'musical' numbers.

Yeah, it's all a big fucking pretentious mess. It's fucking dreadful and will make you hate punk rock, art house films, bare breasts, London, the 1970's, and if you're not careful, life itself. I nearly lost the will to live while watching this shit. I'm guessing the only reason they put this turkey in the Criterion Collection was to show how a film can be emblematic of it's times. Or maybe they wanted a shitty pretentious piece of crap in there as a palette cleanser.

See it if you must but know that I warned you.

Who wears the fangs in this family?

I love the public domain film channels on Roku. I just watched this film on one of them:
Oh lord, it was so so bad. Allow me to break it down for you, and yes there will be spoilers.

One dark night in the 1950's a young couple of 40 year old teenagers leave a party so they can make out and possibly have sex. Where do they go you ask? Why to a graveyard of course! The young man kisses the girl coyly and then he proposes. The girl accepts and they move to the backseat of the car. While in the backseat the young man kisses the girl and he slides his hand in the top of her blouse, above her breast. He's near second base and about to slip her the tongue when a scary man who just got out of a grave looks into the car window.

The grave guy, obviously aroused, because hey, who doesn't get a stiffy watching a guy grope a girl near her tit, tears the car door off and proceeds to kill the 'young' man. Then he grabs the girl, who looks like a skinny low rent version of Jenny Agutter, tosses her in an empty grave, not the one he came out of, and they make sweet sweet undead love.

The next day the cops investigate and they question the girl who got raped by the undead guy. One cop suspects a vampire, the other looks like he's Jonesing for a couple dozen doughnuts. Turns out the girl is pregnant but her doctor isn't happy about it because somehow he knows she's carrying the baby of a vampire, I guess they had tests for that sort of thing back in the early '50's. The doctor tells her to get an abortion, she refuses because she thinks the baby daddy is the dude she left the party with who got killed, I guess some of his sperm magically left his penis, went into his finger tip, and when he groped the area above her boob some dribbled down and made it's way inside her. Or not.

In literally the next scene after she finds out she's knocked up, she gives birth. Something is wrong with the baby though. He's an unholy shade of gray and he won't take milk. But when his mommy dearest cuts her finger a drop of blood falls on his little lips and he licks it up. She puts two and two together and she starts feeding him blood. Then we are treated to scenes of a woman holding the hand of a child who is filmed whilst standing in shadows. Then suddenly we're in the 1970's and the boy is now a man.

Yeah, I know, I couldn't believe it myself. Anyhoo...

The boy, played woodenly by William Smith, a character actor you've seen 1000 times in other films, he's made a career of playing bad guys, villains, and ne'er do wells, is attending a night class on myths and folklore that's taught by a shady looking professor. In voiceover we learn that the mother told the kid about how he was conceived and how his real daddy is a vampire. And then it turns out that vampire is the professor! He digs college campuses because he likes the young women and their groovy 1970's blood.

After a lecture about a legendary vampire, who is really the college professor who is teaching the class!, the professor has a one on one with an icy hot blond woman who is supposed to be British. Turns out she looks like the first wife the vampire had, who had gotten burned at the stake. The vampire doesn't suck her blood yet, he decides to wait.

Meanwhile, the son of the vampire goes to the apartment of a woman he met in class, who it turns out is roommates with the icy hot blond! At the apartment a party breaks out and token blacks decked out in '70's finery dance and leer suggestively at white people. The gal who brought the vampire's son home attempts to seduce him in front of the rest of the party attendees, who look on approvingly. After her seduction doesn't turn out too well she pawns off the icy hot blond on him when she comes home. When they leave the gal who wasn't the icy hot blond figures out that the professor is really the vampire!, so she sends out her mind message to him to come to her place. While the professor is on his way, his son is shagging the icy hot blond who looks like his dad's first wife. And he's doing it in his apartment which it turns out is just a flight of stairs up from the party!

Yeah, I know...anyhoo...

The vampire professor finally shows up, promises to turn the gal who called him into a vampire so they can get married and live through all eternity, and then he kills her because she didn't have what it took to keep him interested through all of eternity. After the son of the vampire gets done shagging the icy hot blond she falls asleep but she wakes up in time to go home, take, a shower, and discover her dead roommate.

Then, and this part just killed me, the next day the icy hot blond, the vampire's son, and some people from the class show up at the vampire's house for a seance. And they all act like nothing happened the night before! A dead roommate with no blood in her corpse didn't stop these people from having a good time.

Yeah, I KNOW...

At the seance the professor tries to get the spirit of his first wife to go into the body of the icy hot blond. But things go bad when the spirit of the woman he killed the night before goes into her and nearly takes her over. But the icy hot blond shakes her out of her body and then passes out. The vampire's son picks her up and takes her upstairs where I thought he was going to make sweet sweet undead love to her. But when he heard shots ring out down stairs he rushes in to find that his daddy went all vampire on the other party guests and killed them. Finally, they fight and finally in that fight the kid admits who he is. His daddy laughs like crazy, because all vampires do that shit when they find out paternity, and then the fight some more. The son ends up killing his dad but when he does his fangs come out and oh my gosh! he turns into a vampire like his daddy! And he slowly turns and goes up the stairs to feed on the icy hot blond.

This move was just awful. The two male leads, who both have done better work in other projects, were as charismatic as two by fours. At times I laughed out loud at the bad acting and dullard expressions and emotions some of the actors came up with. And apparently this film killed the career of the icy hot blond woman, an actress by the name of Lyn Peters, because this was her last film.

The sets were interchangeable, literally. The police examination room looked suspiciously like the hospital room which looked suspiciously like the vampire professor's office later in the film The print that I watched was awful. In the first third of the movie everything was differing shades of purple and obscured by fog, which made everything look even murkier. Then when the film flash forwarded to the 1970's everything was differing shades of beige.

All in all though, this was a fun movie. It was so bad and wooden that it was a pleasure to see how bad it could get. It's definitely the kind of movie that used to play at one in the morning in drive in movie theaters.

A Monkey Movie Report

I found this little 'so bad it's good' gem on the Roku channel called Pub Hub. Don't believe the blurbs on the poster, this film stinks. But since the acting it so bad, the script so awful, the 1970's music, clothes, and sets so awful, it becomes almost good. And it's a shame that it's so bad because it's got a really chilling premise.

Stock '70's horror movie characters that include a hard charging business man and his slutty trophy wife, his daughter and her headstrong 'stick it to the man' boyfriend, and the alcoholic wife (played by Shelley Morrison who would later play Karen's sassy maid on Will and Grace) and her weak ineffectual doctor husband (played by a young Sorrell Booke best known as Boss Hogg on the Dukes of Hazzard) who works for the hard charging business man run headlong into five kids who survive a horrific car crash. The kids turn out to be from a mental institution, turns out they're mentally deranged criminally insane brats. One is a military fetishist, another is a fire bug, another is a cross dressing teen (played by Leif Garret who would later go on to become a bitter has been drug addicted former child actor) who has delusions of grandeur, another is a religious whack job who thinks she's a nun, and the last one is a little hypochondriac. And finally rounding out the cast is the simpleton caretaker (played by John Durren who also wrote the script) of the mountain mansion where all the action takes place. And yes, the simpleton keeps rabbits as pets in the film.

After causing the horrific car crash that enables them to escape the clutches of the mental health authorities, the kids make their way to the mountain mansion owned by the hard charging businessman. Slowly they start killing off the adults who they fear will send them back to the loony bin. In truth, I hated the adult characters so much that I would have helped these brats murder them even if it meant they'd kill me when we finished off the grown ups.

The murder scenes are laughable. Most of them are filmed in slow motion and they feature music that is the least scary horror film music ever, unless you find someone playing a saw scary that is. I guess the director was going for creepy and eerie but what he ended up with was the opposite of that.

The film features a few 'sexy' scenes that are the least sexual ever to be committed to film. The slutty trophy wife tries to seduce the simpleton and when she gets caught by her step daughter they end up cat fighting. The cat fighting has more sexual tension than the previous seduction scene. Later the daughter and her boyfriend make sweet, sweet '70's love and their 'passion' is nothing more than a severe boner killer, in other words it will make you want to never have sex again. And when the slutty trophy wife tries to seduce the step daughters boyfriend, well, let's just say it's about as sexy as watching your grandparents make the beast with two backs.

The jarring camera angles, the awful porno movie soundtrack, the bad acting, the stereotypes, the overt winking nods to the hip trends of the time period all serve to sink this film. It's like a time capsule of mid '70's awfulness. But if you love cheesy bad films that make you laugh when they're supposed to be scaring you, then this film is for you. It's only 70 minutes long but it feels like it goes on forever, so you'll get your money's worth.

A Monkey Movie Review

Well, the best thing I can say about this movie is that Christine Baranski and Meryl Streep looked very sexy in it.

Note to producers of other movie musicals: Don't, under any circumstances, let Pierce Brosnon sing in your musical. Same goes for most of the other people who 'sang' in Mamma Mia!.

I'm guessing all parties involved in this film needed a pay check really really really badly. Not recommended at all, even for ABBA fans.

Quick questions

Do Scientologists make bad movies because they are Scientologists? Or do they make bad movies because they hate it that the rest of us aren't crazy ass Scientologists like them and so they want to make us suffer?

Has anyone seen a Tom Cruise or John Travolta movie lately? Do they watch their own shitty movies? If there is a hell can I tie them both together for the rest of eternity, set them on fire, and make them watch Valkyrie and that hideous movie where John Travolta played a southern writer who drooled uncontrollably every time Scarlett Johansson was in a scene with him? Did I do this post so I would have an excuse for posting a picture the aforementioned Ms. Johansson?

Sigourney sings! Sam Neil wigs out!

Somebody said, "Hey I've got a couple of million dollars to piss away, want to go to eastern Europe and shoot a shitty horror movie?"

Somebody else said, "Can we base it on Snow White and cast Sigourney Weaver and Sam Neil?"

Somebody then said, "Hells yeah man. But we've got to find the least charismatic actress to play the heroine we can find and then we've got to get none other than Canadian acting giant Gil Bellows to star along side her as her hero. And, we've got to make sure that Bellows has all the smouldering sex appeal of a bucket of rotten shellfish that's been out in the sun too long."

Somebody else said, "Ohh, you're on a roll dude. Let's make everyone wear ridiculous hats and costumes and wigs. We gotta have bad wigs too."

Somebody then said, "Done. And we'll tell Sigourney she can chew all the scenery she likes in our soon to be masterpiece. Ooooo, this just hit me, we can have her 'sing' some nonsensical medieval sounding shit in a couple of scenes in the film."

Somebody else said, "Can she sing?"

Somebody said, "Who gives a shit? We'll let her lip sync. It worked for Natalie Wood in West Side Story didn't it?"

Somebody else said, "Man, this is going to be the best movie ever. A horror Snow White and we'll even toss in a dwarf character in a homage to the Disney cartoon."

Somebody said, "We're gonna win Oscars for this one man. I can just feel it."
And so they shot the film, edited it, and released it. And lo, it did stink. Avoid it at all costs. Don't even watch it if it's free on one of your On Demand digital cable channels. It's an hour and a half you'll never get back and it'll make you want to punch Sam Neil and Gil Bellows next time you see them.

Pop Culture Friday

This week's pop culture question over at the Onion AV Club blog is:

What is the worst movie-watching experience you’ve had in another person’s company (be it a date, your parents, classmates, etc.)?

For me it was in 1982 when I went to see Friday the 13th part 3 in 3D with some of my college pals. Sure, we were all smoked up on Mary Jane and had slammed down more than a few Budweisers and maybe we expected the movie to be the Citizen Kane of 3D horror movies but damn, it stank worse then a barrel full of rotten shell fish. It was so bad in fact the we walked out after the first ten minutes and we tracked down the manager of the Bristol Mall 5. When we finally found him and we told him how much we hated the movie, and there may have been a stray threat to shove our 3D glasses into his "small space" if he didn't co-operate with us, he gave us a free pass each to see a movie of our choice at a later date.


What movie did we use those free passes on? I'm ashamed to say it was First Blood starring the elfin Sylvester Stallone.