Never forget

No trans person has ever raped a child in a public restroom, but plenty of Christian youth ministers have raped children in all sorts of places.

Reach out and touch someone

"What's the difference between Christian mass shooters and Muslim mass shooters in the USA?"

"I don't know."

"The Christians are mentally ill and in need of prayer, while the Muslims are part of a worldwide conspiracy.  Oh, and I also want to sniff your hair."

"Dad, you're creepy, stop calling me."

Welcome to the First Church of Huckabee

Hey there white Republican Christian! How you doing? 

Looking for a new church?  A place to worship with the right kind of people?  A Euro Jesus centric place to get your religious groove on?  Well, we've got just the place for you!  Welcome to the First Church of Huckabee!

I'm Rev. Mike Huckabee, come on in have a look around.  I'll be your heavenly guide.  But before we begin, I'll need to see your W2's from the past five years, we just have to make sure you're solvent enough to support the kind of work and mission we have here.  What?  You don't have them on you?  That's okay, you can email to me later, you look like the sort of sheep we want.

Don't be shy, if you have any questions, ask away.  But first, did you hear that sound?

Some of our choir ladies did!  And they know what it is, that sweet musical sound means Brother Lindsey is playing with his organ again!

He's devoted to this church and to his organ.  Sometimes he plays with his organ all day and night.  During the summer when we have Vacation Bible School going on he lets the kids chase him around the church and they always catch him by the organ.  

Take a look at our congregation.  It's as purely white as you can get.  It's not that we don't want black folks or Mexicans or people like that in our church, they're welcome to come and clean our lovely church and or to mow our lawns.  But just like we know that Jesus was really white, we know he wants our church membership to remain white.  There's no law that says we can't discriminate in order to maintain racial purity.

Speaking of racial purity, Brother Von Spetzel has a final solution for the unbaptized.  He offers them a choice between a holy shower or a bath, either way it's a gas!

Hey, I want to remind you to email me those W2's later, don't forget okay?  This building ain't cheap to maintain, and all this bling costs some serious coin.  

Oh look, Brother Disney is touching the kids again!

What?  Why that face?  He's anointing them with his holy oil.  Look, no matter what you may have heard, Brother Disney wasn't convicted of anything and he was just a passing acquaintance of child raper Subway Jared.  We believe strongly in a ministry to children here at First Church of Huckabee.  We like to get to kids early and to mold them into the kind of believers we think they need to be, Jesus loving, second amendment defending, prosperity gospel spouting, fat, slut, and poor people shaming, anti gay, anti birth control, and strongly pro life until that fetus gets born then that baby had better start earning it's keep.  We've found passages in the Bible to back up all our positions, so we're Biblically correct, don't you worry about that. 

I see you look kind of worried and I think I know what you're worried about.  So let me put your mind to rest.  Yes, we are pro Israel and we support anything Israel does because we're still full of guilt for not doing a damn thing to help Jews during the Holocaust.  And Jews are welcome in our church, but only if they accept Jesus and hate immigrants, Muslims, and gays as much as we do.  

Hey where you going?  Come back, I'm not done with the tour yet!  Well, okay then, go, but don't forget those W2's!  Okay?  

It's time for another episode of: The Adventures of Randy Felcher, Private Investigator

Today's episode: The Case of the Missing Christian!

The TV was blaring reports about an influx of child refugees from central America that were allegedly pouring in over the border from Mexico.  Even more troubling were the reports that Christians were up in arms over these kids coming in to the USA, apparently they didn't like having to shelter people on the run from crime ridden corrupt countries.  Like all good Americans I took what I heard on the TV machine with a grain of salt, so I had to find out for myself why these Christians were objecting to taking these kids in and and helping them.

So I turned off my TV, loaded up my car with a few changes of clothes, a case of liquor and some hardcore gay porn to lure the Christian ministers into talking to me and I high tailed it down to the Mexican border. 

I drove all day and all night and I finally got there just after midnight.  I checked into a motel and I set out to find a Christian to talk to.

Once I cracked open a bottle of rot gut vodka and I tossed open a copy of Bum Chums Monthly a Baptist minister flagged me down.

I didn't beat around the bush and I certainly didn't let him beat around mine, and after he got done dumping poison down a well on an Indian reservation, we sat down to talk.  He told me that he was opposed to letting in those 'illegals' because they were Catholics, they wanted to steal our jobs, defile our women, spread germs, and take away all the high paying service sector jobs from white Americans.  He told me with as straight a face as he could muster that Jesus wouldn't let those kids in if he was alive and living in the USA today. 

"You got one thing right amigo," I said between slugs of the vodka, "Jesus sure as hell isn't alive in the USA today, because assholes like you killed him."  

He didn't take kindly to my words of wisdom.  He told me that even though he was mad at me for insulting him and his religion, that he'd still blow me but he wasn't going to enjoy it and he certainly wasn't going to waste his time praying for me while he did it. 

"Whatever," I said as he began his business.  Then I heard a woman calling out his name.  He said, "Oh shit, it's my wife!"  He jumped up and ran off into the pitch black Texas night.

"My husband wasn't out here blowing you was he?"

I stammered for a moment then I said, "Look!"  

We both watched in amazement as a flying saucer hovered over us for about fifteen minutes.  Then a door on it opened and an alien spoke to us.  It said, "We been scanning your planet for signs of intelligent life for about fifty years now.  And we can safely say that after all the anal probes, after all the abductions we've done, and all the TV and movies of yours we've watched, there's nothing here we want or need but we're not heartless bastards like you people are, so we're going to take those kids from central America who you all won't let in your country.  We're going to raise them and mold them into a race of super intelligent Hispanic humans who will one day come back and subjugate you to their will.  You dumb fuckers had your chance to do the right thing and take them in but you blew it.  So we'll take what some consider to be trash and turn them into treasure that will one day rule your pathetic world."  

As the minister's wife and I stumbled in a fugue like state towards my car and the case of liquor, we heard a giant sucking sound as the aliens beamed up all those kids.  What could we do except get shitfaced and wait for the day those kids and their descendants came back to rule over us.  So that's what we did, she and I.  

We reported her husband missing and after seven years we had him declared legally dead and she and I have stayed drunk ever since.  And through all these years, after everything we've been through, after all those bottles of liquor, after all the blackouts and the alcohol poisoning, I still have yet to learn her name.