Somebody said, "Hey I've got a couple of million dollars to piss away, want to go to eastern Europe and shoot a shitty horror movie?"
Somebody else said, "Can we base it on Snow White and cast Sigourney Weaver and Sam Neil?"
Somebody then said, "Hells yeah man. But we've got to find the least charismatic actress to play the heroine we can find and then we've got to get none other than Canadian acting giant Gil Bellows to star along side her as her hero. And, we've got to make sure that Bellows has all the smouldering sex appeal of a bucket of rotten shellfish that's been out in the sun too long."
Somebody else said, "Ohh, you're on a roll dude. Let's make everyone wear ridiculous hats and costumes and wigs. We gotta have bad wigs too."
Somebody then said, "Done. And we'll tell Sigourney she can chew all the scenery she likes in our soon to be masterpiece. Ooooo, this just hit me, we can have her 'sing' some nonsensical medieval sounding shit in a couple of scenes in the film."
Somebody else said, "Can she sing?"
Somebody said, "Who gives a shit? We'll let her lip sync. It worked for Natalie Wood in West Side Story didn't it?"
Somebody else said, "Man, this is going to be the best movie ever. A horror Snow White and we'll even toss in a dwarf character in a homage to the Disney cartoon."
Somebody said, "We're gonna win Oscars for this one man. I can just feel it."
And so they shot the film, edited it, and released it. And lo, it did stink. Avoid it at all costs. Don't even watch it if it's free on one of your On Demand digital cable channels. It's an hour and a half you'll never get back and it'll make you want to punch Sam Neil and Gil Bellows next time you see them.
7 comments:
My sweet, sweet lord, you have just introduced a tragically awful movie with big actors to someone who tends to watch movies I know will suck just to see how badly they suck. I love the subtitle: "A Tale of Terror.
I can't wait.
In a related note, my daughter made us watch Twilight with her yesterday. But that's another post for another day.
Gee thanks...you saved me a lot of grief. And damn, I like both actors - what were they thinking?
Thanks for the heads up
Not even for the LOLS? Wow.
I have to tell you though, telling me about this movie was kind of like waving a red flag at a bull.
Hell, I want to punch Sam Neill and Gil Bellows, anyway!
Who's Gil Bellows?
Methinks Sigourney Weaver might be a tad bitchy in real life.
Just a hunch.
Hey, that's a bit harsh, innit? I thought it was great, especially the dwarf scenes.
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